You see, I shared so much with you,
I expected all the things that I liked
to be tarnished by your touch,
ruined by your absence,
broken by your memory.
But they aren’t.
The moon still glows over me like I’m her only child
and she never noticed your hand
entwined with mine.
The stars still smile shyly at me every night,
and they don’t whisper your name.
Everything I once was,
I still am.
I haven’t lost any pieces
and the places we went to
don’t carry your footsteps,
they don’t haunt me.
They just exist.
I still remember.
But that doesn’t change anything.
I kingdom built with strong bricks and love
doesn’t get blown down
by the wind passing through.

Was I a burning flame in the sky?
What am I now?
Now I’m struggling on the ground,
struggling to lift my gaze upwards,
to call for my sisters,
and my chest is pained
by the distance between us.
Now my flesh bleeds in shades of red
and my bones crack
from gravity’s pressure.
Now the only star dust
is in my eyes,
and it’s blurring my sight,
and it’s making me cry.

Was I a burning flame in the sky?
So what if I was?
Now I am only human,
so sensitive to pain,
so fragile,
so destructible.

I am merely a reminder
of what I used to be.

Have I been staring into the void for so long
that I started to think I wasn’t alone?
Had I known there was no way to enter,
I would’ve never knocked at this kingdom’s door.
I thought the moon was waiting for me on the other side
and I could fall in her arms,
relieved to have come back home,
after experiencing humanity
without my consent.
I never meant to fall,
I never meant to live as anything else
but a whisper of light in the darkness,
and yet…

The gods like sacrifices and so that’s what I  became.

There was nothing more-
nothing more than that benighted sound,
nothing more than the kiss of lady loneliness
in moments you felt
you were the only one left alive.
There would be nothing more-
never to feel the freedom
of a reckless heart beating
in a chest that isn’t decomposing ,
breath by breath.

We would’ve been more,
had we known how to be.
We would’ve been more,
had we been allowed
to demand what is ours.

There was nothing more
than your own fate smothering you,
breath by breath.

I find myself pressing my pen onto the paper so hard,
as if to make sure
the ink will never be erased,
the pain will never be forgotten,
this feeling will never fade.
My hand hurts, but I don't stop.
Now every word feels like redemption,
but every sentence
is an act of rebellion.
I can't tell whether I can feel
or I'm numb anymore,
but the scratches I make on this notebook seem real.
They seem permanent,
even if the beating in my chest isn't.
My breath might be polluted,
my blood might be poisoned,
my love might be molding,
but my words,
they're always true.
And that's how I know I'm alive.

Tonight should be made holy,
it should be painted with lights
and up there, in heaven,
together with them
should your luminous face reside.
Tonight should be kept safe
between your eyelashes
and heavy sighs,
it should be sung by crickets and waters,
it should be waltzed by us-
too in love to hide.
But should the sky not want to hold it,
should your eyes repel it with their tears
tonight should be forever forgotten
and we should sleep,
for it was only just a dream.

I wonder-
have you come to understand
why the world is silent at night
and what it means to be listening
to the darkness of the sky,
to be hoping a star might whisper to you
the secret
of how to keep waiting
of how to keep breathing
of how not to feel so alone anymore?