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 Jun 19 abyss
Dency
Nowhere
 Jun 19 abyss
Dency
I have all this love
And nowhere to put it
It's rotting inside me
Soft,warm
Unspent.

I reach out in dreams
But wake up alone
His name buried in my throat
Like a secret
I was not allowed to say.

He didn't stay
But the love did
And now it grows wild
Inside a heart
With no one left
To give it to.
 Jun 19 abyss
Kalliope
Staring at a block button
Like it holds the secrets I crave
Like it offers my heart freedom,
Like it gives my mind escape.

My fingers just won't press it
So odd that now I hesitate
I've pressed it a million times before
In my mind it's what I have to do,
My heart just doesnt want to participate.

But she needs to.
She has never led me right
It's time she does retire
She is always late
And keeps everything on a wire.

That's not how we're living anymore
We are going one foot in front of the other,
I can't rest at closed doors anymore
It's my own light that I smother.

I desperately don't want to say goodbye
But I cannot be your friend
You said true love never goes away
It morphs but never ends.

I can't have you around me
I hope things are different everyday
I can't hold on to what's not there
I have to unlearn how to care.

I sound like a broken record-
My writing even worse
If I have you near me
I'll never get out of the "I miss you" curse.

Missing isn't living
And it hurts me every hour
I've reread every word
And still my feelings aren't sour.

I really want to hate you
So I could just slam the door in your face
But I can't find the justification
And I'd never hurt you on purpose, just in case.

You said that real love never leaves
That it will stay with me forever
Well I'm sitting here as it drips out my eyes
Wishing I never felt it, ever.
That's it
That's all I'll say
I no longer give myself permission to wish for things I'll never be able to fix
 Jun 19 abyss
Kalliope
Tired
 Jun 19 abyss
Kalliope
I have lived lifetimes
At night while I sleep
I want to rest now
But I'm scared of what I'll see
I just ******* know it will be you.
 Jun 18 abyss
Blue Sapphire
In the silence of night

wounds of the heart scream.
 Jun 18 abyss
Damocles
Soft, milky white, creamy,
Rippling with the tides’ collision,
A heat envelops me,
Dripping with sweetness,
I’m parched, yearning for sustenance,
Sustained rhythms, syncopated patterns,
Ripping through the night sky,
Carried out in falsetto, sung praises,
Affirming every sequence,
Clenching with squelched wrenching,
With felt panting of lost breaths,
I stand upon the precipice,
In parallel with this blissful moment.

May we expire this little death,
Together as we sink to catch our breaths,
Enshrined in silk and Egyptian cotton,
Entwined like ivy vines,
I’ll be yours if you say you’re mine,
We can tangle endlessly,
Lovers at midnight,
Sweet like caramel,
Stuck to each other through thick and thin.
I had a good dream and wanted to capsulate it in poetic device.
 Jun 18 abyss
badwords
I do not know your name—
only your silhouette
etched in the echo of things I was not given.
Your absence was my alphabet.
I spelled every woman with your ghost.


They loved me.
But I loved you through them.
Your hands behind their voices.
Your eyes haunting their praise.
They were flesh, and I was kneeling.


I made gods of strangers.
I made homes of hunger.


Mother—not mother.
Lover—not lover.
I could not hold the difference.
They all became symbols
and I became a shrinekeeper,
tending lies with tenderness.


Forgive me,
those I touched but never saw.
I was trying to reach through you
and forgot you were not them.
And they were not you.
None of you asked for this altar.


I am dismantling the myth.
I am returning the light.
We’d all love
To be seen
Little more
Than we clean
Up the messes
Attesting
To low
Self-esteem
And it seems
We’d all hate
To be torn
At the seams
But we love  
To watch others
Unreachable dreams
And yet hate to feel
Fairness is trampled
Pursuing
The knocks
Of the opportune
Peacemakers
Couping
Who we love to hate
Hate to love
The cartoonish
Banality
Evil
Still mirroring
Munich
 Jun 18 abyss
Damocles
Bereft breaths
Under the canopy
Of this old one
Bark covered shade watches over me
Like a blanket of shadow
A sea of hands holding onto
But all I hear is echoes,
Ringing through this hallowed
Hollow hole you left to hide me.

If only I could get up,
Stand on weighted feet
To press forward shield steadying me
Hoping this could be my retreat
Vacancy for one and I rest my head sojourn .

I’m searching, some where past the distance
Foreclosing on my ramparts
Fault line fissures crackle,
Open ripples in the deep cuts
Repair or compensate for failures
Regrets creep and blur vision.
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