I hide everything away and have the appearance of not caring about a lot of things,
yet I stay up all night and wonder what is wrong with me as I rip apart every second of my past, remembering that I don’t know the last time I was happy, and I destroy myself in the process of thinking.
I stare blankly everyday in a crowded classroom tucked into the back seat, listening to music because the silence causes me to panic and stress myself out over the future because how can I know what I want to do if sometimes my only thought is when I’ll die and yet while I don’t believe in a Heaven and sometimes feel as if I’m already in Hell, I am scared of what will happen after I die because what if Heaven is real and those thousands of times I lied and said I was okay when I was so depressed I felt like my chest was caving in and I couldn’t even tell if I was breathing or said I wasn’t hungry as I tried to steady myself from passing out because I haven’t had so much as an apple since last week, all add up and I end up going to some place worse than here?
And recently I’ve convinced myself that feeling absolutely nothing is better than feeling anything at all. I don’t know if I’m better, worse, or settling for middle ground as I wait until the end of the line. Some nights I’ll allow myself to feel and I’ll panic because I’ve lost so much and so many people just use me, and it is so heart breaking to constantly be the person everyone uses. I feel like an old cigarette that is used to temporarily calm someone down, but they aren’t even a smoker and I wasn’t an addiction, just a phase. Yet, I was their 4 a.m and sometimes 4p.m and what they didn’t know was I am a smoker and I was so addicted; I never intended to stop. I was ready to die from corroded, blackened lungs. Now I stay up till way past 4a.m going through the physical pain that comes along with withdrawal and the ache in my head is nothing compared to the ache in my chest that has me so broken down I couldn’t even stand up if I tried and I cry so hard it makes the pain in my head worse and some nights I worry that my head will explode.
The next day I go to school and I’m numb, I don’t feel anything for days, sometimes weeks, until one of those nights happens again. I’ve found comfort in feeling nothing and I’ve mastered the art of shutting everyone out and no one takes the time to take a second glance.
Maybe I don’t want them to ask questions, or maybe being used so much has made me completely horrified to even let someone know my name, let alone anything.
I don’t want to feel anything with anyone because I become so addicted to the euphoric high I get when I think someone cares just for them to treat me like a cigarette once again, as they throw me away without even thinking about it, stepping on me to make sure that my light is completely gone.
I’ve decided that feeling nothing at all is the place I am most comfortable, replying on the few people that make me happy. And even though I don’t believe in a god, I pray every night they won’t throw me away like everyone else because no matter how good I am at fooling everyone else, I can’t keep lying to myself and no matter how good I am at feeling nothing, some nights I feel every little thing and I need someone to keep me sane because at 2a.m on a Tuesday night I drive myself to the point of insanity and if I didn’t have someone to hold me up, I’d drown myself and I don’t know if I’d be able to come back up for air on my own.
Wrote this in December for a class assignment.