the day we are born
we put love in a box
a shiny bright perfect box
one that is untouched
by pain and deception

as time goes on
the box becomes
thrown on the ground
set on fire
dropped deep into
the depths of despair
locked away for years
hidden in the dark

for no one to find or touch
this box goes through hell
burnt, cracks all across the sides
it has been kicked, it has been smashed

but eventually we
find that one soul
the key to open
what the others try to find
it opens after a few tries
of turning the key
left then right
then left one more time

we put love in a box
to be found
to be earned
to be given
to be loved
we put love in a box

in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body

i never really
believed in love
if we are being honest here
i only believed in two souls
connecting on this earth
to a certain point

but never true love
heart warming love
soft tender love

not until
you

you sat there with me
the first few months
of meeting
you sat on the side
of the road at 3 am
and hugged me

you told me
that no matter what
happened in this life
everything will be okay

call me stupid
but i realized the next morning
that is all i have ever wanted to hear
since i was 7 years old

that everything
was going to be okay

who would have thought
those 6 words would be
the key to open my      
                                         h e a r t

i want to scream
of aggravation
of this life
of always coming
so ******* close
to the thing
i want so badly

to never getting it
to having it thrown in my face
to trying so hard
to nothing ever in my favor

i want to scream
i am tired
i am weak
i have lost my voice


i want to scream

i dont know what to do.
i love him.
he has taught me so much about love.
about what i need in a partner.
about how i want to be treated.
he has taught me that i can trust.
he has taught me i can be soft.
he has held me in times where i was broken.
he has pieced me back together.
fragment by fragment.
he has supported me emotionally.
he has always made sure to communicate with me.

why am i feeling different now?
why does he keep saying he will try harder?
when he has not seen me in 3 weeks?
when we spent everyday together prior?
when he decides to be lazy?

i dont know what to do
i am crying
i am exhausted
i dont know what to do

we grow up
watching movies
of the princess
marrying the
brave sweet prince
and
they live
happily every after

but

what if that
is not all
what if the princess
wants more
what if the princess
does not feel the same
way years later

they teach us
when we find
the one we love
to marry them
and live happily ever after

but

what they
do not teach
is
when
is it time to
walk away
and
leave this
chapter

                  behind

as a child
my parents
kept me

well mannered
well traveled
they have given me
an abundance
of materialistic
objects

but

that is all
anything
ever was
an object

maybe
that is why
i cannot
connect to people

because we are

all just objects