let the pain from my past
be the ink that bleads from my body
onto paper

turning pain into power
turning feelings into words

The beginning of 2018 I was struggling beyond words
I was struggling to get out of bed
I was struggling to find happiness within myself
I was struggling to eat a simple meal
2018 was the year I attempted to end everything
2018 was the year I sat in treatment in the hospital after a suicide attempt and opened up for the first time in my 21 years of life at the time
2018 was the year jersey shore medical saved my life and made me feel something again
2018 was the year I knocked down every wall I ever built since the age of 7
2018 is the year I went back and accepted the fact that I couldn’t save my 7 year old self no matter how much I wanted too
2018 is the year I rebuilt my life, making it more open and filled with scenery
2018 is the year I took my life back
2018 is the year I threw my emotions into writing
2018, you’ve been one hell of a chapter in this book, and my god I am so thankful it wasn’t the last chapter


2019 I’m ready for you baby

my own parents
did not realize
for years
and years
the abuse
and
the torture
i went through
every time i walked a
few steps outside my house
greeting my neighbor

i remember the door locking
i remember them turning around afterwards
and smiling at me
"what do we have here"
he would say

i remember shaking
i remember wanting to run
i remember thinking
of jumping out the window
because that was the only escape
my seven year old self could think of
then everything goes black
and suddenly
i remember nothing

fast forward a few years
i am having *** with a boy from my school
knowing this means nothing
feeling nothing
my body has turned cold
my body has shed its weight in worry
my body just skin and bones

my mother never
told my father he claims now
my parents
they both knew
how could they not
how could they not
how could they not
how could they
not see the lifeless 7 year old
who returned home that day

how could they let me into that house

at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to drink
at the age of 21
i was finally
legal to gamble

yet

at the age of 21
i slashed
my wrists
at the age of 21
i tried playing
within traffic
at the age of 21
i was ready to
swallow all of my lexapro

at the age of 21
the monster came out
the memories flooded
my brain

after years and years
of keeping them hidden
beneath the cupboard
after years and years
of keeping them locked away
so that sunlight
would never ever
touch them

where they would
rot away
turn black
turn cold
where these memories
ate away at my skin
like leaches in the dark

i should have been free
instead
i tried ending it all

i just want to feel again

some days
i miss the psych ward
being away
from society
left with only
my demons

not being able
to be hurt by
anyone there

i wish
i could find
that comfortability
out in the real world
instead of hiding away
in these locked away rooms

i sit on the beach
as the rain comes down
from the sky onto my skin
hoping
praying
for it to wash away
all this sadness
from within

i use to hate the sound
of snores in the night
my mother and father
made the house sound like
a concert of untuned instruments
through out the night
it would bring back memories
memories i buried long ago
like a beast roaring
through out the night

then you happened

and I found myself
laying in your bed
after a night
of playing beneath the sheets
you fast asleep
me listening
to your snores
that sound so deep

the feeling of comfort
the feeling of safety
the feeling of love

all mixed together
to create

a love so neat