the cage of
my own making
made up of bones
and my own self hatred
has combusted at
the first touch of
self love

my bones dissolved
as the love poured
over them
the self hatred oozed
from the cracks
and escaped my body
never to be seen again

for the first time in years
peace flooded my brain
finally all that was left

was
just
m e

the fear of emotion
got me here
walls white
like the movies
no sane soul in sight

the fear of emotion
got me here
my soul has
turned to stone
nothing hurts
me anymore

the fear of emotion
got me here
lifeless rotting away
at the core

i am ready for it all
to be over now

life without emotion
is not a life worth living

that moment
when the worry
begins to seep into
my veins

that moment
when the pain
begins to play
tricks within
my brain

i feel my collarbones
and know i'll be

o k a y

they call it PTSD
but i call it
my own personal hell

playing
over
and
over

i walk into the hospital
all i see is a mixture of white shapes
all i smell is the death of happiness
i check myself in because suddenly
all of the pain i carry is too much to bare
they rush me inside the room
they are looking for the key now
to unlock the beast

i tell them no
keep the beast hidden
i buried him long ago for a reason
i locked him away so
he'd never see the light of day

they tell me the longer
he is locked away
the longer he will
keep trying to barge through
the longer my world
will continue to crumble

after days and days
of the same ****
they finally convince me
to release the beast
to set him free
to watch as he
takes advantage
of every soul in the room
as he consumes purity
within everything and anything

suddenly
everything goes black

due to the terror in my eyes
due to the terror in my mind
due to the memories that are finally free

at the age of 8
i was diagnosed
with celiac disease
gluten left holes within
my stomach
ulcers grew on the walls
and wreaked havoc
within my body

now at the age of 21
i consume gluten
without a second thought
leaving the pains within
feeling like death

it is kind of funny
in a way
as i am getting older
i am realizing

i've been eating gluten
these past few years
as a way of killing myself
as a way of letting all
of the darkness win

as a way of letting
myself feel pain
if not emotionally
than physically