I hear the rain outside my window
Sudden
Like the thoughts of my mind;
Like a dam burst, they flow
Continuously fluctuating
They only pile and grow
The thoughts that continually seeded
Weave and grow
Too many stimuli
I am overwhelmed
Too much
For me to even think that I know
To even think that I know anything
As dams burst left and right
The chaos caused is too thorough...
The chaos has spread too wide
And as the dam is about to burst
I open my eyes
And my soul is broken in half
In the dull echo
Of the chaos of the rain
Outside

What is this clarity that I hold?
Is it that the value of all else
Has equilibrated?
Silence
Silence in my thoughts
In my mind
In my heart
In my room
In my relationships
In my mess
Silence.

It is possible that this is the
Drawback of water
Before the tsunami slams
A moment of silence
Surrounded
By the wake of a storm

When I was finally able to say
Goodbye
I felt not the need to move my lips or
Move myself to
Utter the words..

Whether or not you are there
I feel not the need to check.
The last I saw,
You lifted your barriers
And that is all I need to know.

You are you
And in the time it took to realise
The permanent distance between us
"Goodbye"
And I would never see you again.

Why is it that we can continue
To look forward
When we can't even see what
Tomorrow looks like or
Who we will be with tomorrow
Or
Whether we lose everything
Tomorrow

I can't find myself putting in the strength
For that tomorrow
Let alone developing a me that'll
Find what I've always needed,
When I never found that my whole life...

What's the use of a tomorrow
If it doesn't equate to anything better
Than today...

Drunk.
On the thoughts occupying my mind,
Drunk.
On the preoccupations playing in front of my eyes,
Drunk.

Floating in my drunkenness...
My only wish
Does not exist.
Because,
Floating in the drunkenness of my pain has
Taken my awareness away.
Drunk.

Goodbye
Goodbye,
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Goodbye       ...
Or so I thought I could say
Shout and scream
At your back
That stands closeby...
But it's so close
I could reach out
And touch your shoulder;
I could turn you around...
'Goodbye'
A word that is used a time too many
Too many to really signify
An end.
But in the time it takes
My tone to reach it-
Til then-
Goodbye

These tracks playing in the back of my mind
Overlapping
Seeping
Diffusing
Into every sound,
Colour,
Movement...
Infusing into my veins,
Pulse,
Eyes
Gripping my heart
As the surrounding muscle contracts
And takes over

Pumps
Loosening my body
Muscles stiffen,
Peripheral vision darkened
Pump pump
Throat clump
I missed my chance
I missed my chance
Neck outstretched
Eye lids embracing my eyes
You're losing focus
And this distance,
Lack of reassurance,
Eats me up

And so I hide away