my chest aches
but i know my struggle
is not unique or important
it is one of self pity
for too long i have made myself sick
why do i never learn
the more i live the more i trip over my feet

my thoughts are heavy, booming like thunder
but when i speak my words fall out like cake crumbs
airy, pointless, forgetful
do they see me as dumb and powerless like i feel?

everything i do is an effort to distract
from what i cannot say out loud
i live in a honey world
surrounded by sappy sweetness
but i cannot breathe or move through it
to connect with those around me

I put makeup on my little sister.
I laugh as she squints her eyes too much and
mascara goes everywhere. Thin black streaks run along
her eyelid and below it; she goes to rub and
I have to hold her hands from creating a bigger mess.

The sky turns black and we run inside for cover.
She starts to worry as the rain erupts from the clouds
and cringes when she hears the thunder.
I tell her there's nothing to worry about,
and took her hand to lead her out on the porch.
Lightning cracked down so close,
and I scared her even more.

I laid her down in bed; past bedtime.
She was tired and I
didn't think she'd remember but
she asked me to sing her the song I made up
when she was just a baby.
I swept the hair across her forehead as I began the tune.
She grabbed my hand and drifted off to sleep.

She doesn't need me like she used to,
but I'll always be there, just in case.

Depression is so much more than being sad.
Depression is feeling alone,
even when you're not.
Depression is feeling worthless,
like you can't do anything right.
Depression is feeling trapped
inside your own dark mind.

Depression is so much more than being sad.
Depression is feeling so empty
like there's nothing left inside of you.
Depression is randomly crying
for no reason at all.
Depression is waking up in the morning
and wishing you didn't.

Depression is so much more than being sad.
Depression is getting sad
about nothing at all.
Depression is when you feel so empty
you cut your own skin open-
Just to feel something.

Depression is so much more than being sad.
Depression is an illness
that is so hard to fight off.

We all have a past,
    Not all will have a future.
The now is whats important
  Dont take it for granted.
Because tomorow is not guaranteed
  Today is given as a gift from god
That's why its called the present.

i'm at this point where
i need something bad to happen
so that i can talk to someone
because there is no
apparent reason for me
to feel the way i do right now
so i can't talk to anyone about it
i can't tell how devastated i am
or how much i'm hurting
it feels like something is eating me up from the inside
and it hurts more than ever
but nothing happened
so i'm just gonna sit here
in the dark biting my tongue
hoping that someone will come
hold my hand and tell me that it is okay

*(s.m)

And maybe I was born
With this feeling at home in my bones.
This weight
This constant thought
That I am not
Enough.

Or maybe it's a
Poison.
Trapped in my veins from the first time I was
Bitten
By words far sharper than my
Thick skin
Could handle.

So I am stuck.
Between the notion that I am a forest
Rooted in sorrow
Or a
Patient
Waiting for exsanguination
So that the poison is pushed out
And I can begin to
Flow
Again.

When you took your last breath
I died.

Mum❤