i wrote you a letter the other night.
draft after draft
i shoved into my drawers-
this isn't what i want to say.
this isn't enough.
why isn't this enough?
i couldn't sleep because the words
the words kept eating me alive.
they've made a home inside my feeble
feeble lungs.
my ribs hug them-
keep them warm and snug-
remind them to stay.
i inhale "where-are-you-are-why-aren't-you-here"
i exhale "    "
my words
they sit
and sit
and sit
(i mean, where else would they go?).
i'd tell them to you but there's this thing called distance
between us;
i'd tell them to you but you're right in front of me.
so instead i wrote you a letter the other night
in hopes that maybe one day i'll understand.

i can't help but feel sad
over all the people i'll never get to meet.
never feel the calloused hands that have turned the earth inside and out
never see the eyes of those who have chased the sun, moon, and stars
never trace the constellations they weave in their heads.

this world is overrun with beautiful souls
but not enough me-
why can't i have more hands to hold the ones stretching out to me?
why can't i have more legs to carry me further across?
let me meet them halfway
between "what i know" and "what i could know."
let me go
i beg of you
please let me go.

there are so many beautiful souls
but not enough me-- not enough me.

so instead i will embrace the bodies before me
i will hold out my frail hands
and read theirs like they're the last book i'll ever read.
i will be afraid to blink
in hopes of watching every sunset they extend.
i will carry their hearts wherever i go
and wear their lives through each season.

Every hallway is left unscathed,
By every violent, thing you say
You can curse me everyday,
But, the pictures remain the same.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
Or so they say
If I dream of a nightmare, am I wishing for one?

I dreamt of you last night
After years of having no thoughts about you
In your white polo under your blue cotton sweater and
Your glasses that sit perfectly across your nose bridge
You are exactly how I remembered you
You were taking photos, that was your hobby
And I had a camera in my hand
We didn't immediately talk but
Stolen glances were evidently exchanged
Until you went behind me and grabbed my camera and said
"Can I take a few pictures?"
God, you were so cute
How could I say no?
"Sure," I said, following you to the tree you were about to shoot
You took a few photos and I watched you
I watched your familiar grip on the camera
And how you squint one eye as you look into the lens
How you smile as you look at every shot you take, satisfied with your work
I could not believe how familiar you seemed
As if we just stopped talking yesterday
The next thing I knew
You were leaning in to me with the lens pointing at us
"Selfie!", you said
Ugh that smile!
And so we took a selfie
And another one and another one and another one
You ran across the field with my camera
Which I obviously needed,
So I ran after you
And there we were like two lost sheep who found each other again,
Chasing after each other with these huge smiles on our faces
And when I finally caught up to you,
I hugged you in an attempt to grab my camera back
And I felt the familiar shape of your shoulders
And how they harden as you tighten your grip around my camera
You were laughing
And, ugh, that laugh was like...
Hearing your favorite song which you've gotten over and being reminded of why you loved it in the first place
I laughed along with you
And we were lying on the field laughing with cameras in our hands

Then I woke up

it is all a little --- without you.
I wouldn't say empty. necessarily.
just a little less
full.
of course I want to
get over you.
but when you're finally out
of my head
what beauty will there be left
in it?
for you are always the best thing,
the last thing,
on my always troubled mind.
and it is a little
???
without you --
and if I move on I might just get
a little bit lost
and a whole lot
of time.