I struggle with my memories
The ones of you and I
The beautiful family the day to day
Yet enveloped in a lie

My mind is weighed down by the trauma
And it’s hard to believe it’s all real
But this mind has been running in circles
Trying to leave it behind or conceal

We sit and ponder the questions we make,
We expect other to give an answer when asked,
Yet we get no response,
No response....no answer....,
Yet we know the answer,
It's always been there,
We just refuse to accept it,
Refuse to hear it,
Because it hurts to much,
and there's nothing we can do to change it,
Nothing we can do to fix it,
and nothing that will ever help you face it.

It went from love to hate
From sweet to bitter
From a couple to enemies
From lovers to strangers

I guess it's kinda awkward
The moment we see each other
We stare then look away
Hoping our hearts would connect

If I were to describe our situation
It would be Romeo and Juliet
After death-tragic part

My heart was buried with you that day
I was left numb
Holding the weight of the emptiness
That space were you were not
That space where joy had left

I walked around on autopilot
A faint outline of me
Just visible on the surface
With a burning, crippling pit inside

I was beyond the muddy puddle
I was face down
At the bottom of the murky river
Cold
Stuck
Surrounded by darkness
Slowly sinking into the mud
With the weight of my tears
Like a fallen tree holding me down
I was not trying to get up
Because I had no strength to
No will power
No heart  
If I never came back up
I would only see you sooner
And that
Was the only comfort I could see

And then
You spoke to me
Clear as day
And you used that serious voice
Only used for serious things
And you said
And I will never forget
You said
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. There are good things to come.”
And like a bolt of lightening
Shot into my chest
I pushed my head out of the water
With a breath of life
And you offered me back the empty jar that was my heart

Tonight, I wish I knew who to blame, the crooked nuthatch responsible for the eggs I can see strewn even through sky from over hillside. Shattered before their time, now spilled sunny-side up, with innards beaten and assailed to the open air. Where, like a pact, each curbs their own messy shine before meeting eye to stormy eye.

I’m unaccustomed to it all. This unspoken honor system (or was it embarrassment all along?). I’ve never seen a people so wary to count their chickens before they hatch.

In the daytime, I still don’t know where I am, but am flooded by the fact that I have to see it. Where honesty with heft enough to knock the wind from any stray body is convection (sorry, convention), stowed near the bullets in every back pocket.

But what a good thing it is, to have a friend at the other end: muted in her gleaming, but gleaming just enough.

At least these lights are good for something.