34
24
34
the numbers controlling my life
the numbers that i strive to be
pure perfection
causing my body to eat itself
while it withers away
into nothingness

im exhausted
trapped in hell
a hell created by numbers on a measuring tape
just one less calorie and i'll be okay
i'll be happy
finally beautiful enough

300
the calories fueling me through my days
as i drag along
until i find myself
closer
to the edge
of self destruction

deeper in hell i fall
trapped even further in the darkness
praying i can find my way
back to the light
back to sanity

ugh
i want my life back
i want to know what it is like
to wake up in the morning loving yourself
to look in the mirror not hating
every aspect
of the person
in front of you
to get through a day without
having to shield your face
to hide the burning tears
rolling down your cheeks  
to not have the
destructive thoughts
waiting
to drag you though the dirt
when you think you are finally okay

i want to know what it's like to be me
again

i never thought i would be able to fall in love
ever
physically or emotionally
extreme vulnerability
was an absurd concept
in my mind
but i jumped
took a leap of faith
into the abyss of impossibilities
and free fell
right into the safety net
created by your arms
the tenderness of our fingers intertwined
soon became my life vest
if these feelings were to suffocate me
you would pull me back to the surface
and revive me
with the purity of your breath
i would always be okay
because i loved you
i love you
i still love you.
this love
that i try so hard to make evaporate into the nothingness
never fails to find a way to come pouring back into me
you took your full name
and engraved it into my soul
so there it stays
like a ball and chain
always reminding me of what could have been

My thoughts are spinning
A whirlwind of blurry memories
From the night before
Again
You are toying with my mind
Making me go insanely mad
Your hands passionatly caressing my body
Was a feeling like no other
Does he actually want me for once?!?
Your lips against mine
Lit a fire inside of me
I couldn’t believe
I was finally good enough for you  
I never wanted those feelings to subside
But of course
When I woke up
You were gone
I was just a drunk hook up
to you
I was naïve for thinking I would ever be anything more  
And now here I am
Alone once again
Wondering why I will never be enough
For you