No choice anymore
No changing your mind
No getting off
No going back
Unstoppable.
You’ve set this ride in motion
All you can do now
Is smile
And cling on for your life.

It’s too easy
For that most precious to us,
To slip through our fingers like sand,
And be lost forever.
Vigilance my friend,
Work out what is important to you right now,
Treasure and nurture that most priceless,
Never take for granted,
For too often,
Too late,
We only appreciate the value,
After it has gone

Where have I come from?
Where am I headed?
What am I doing here?
Does it feed my soul’s desire?
Who am I?
Am I who I want to be?
Am I who I’m destined to be?

Into the woods
Seeking solace and R&R,
Away from civilisation,
And the dreaded mobile phone.
Off grid, switched off and outnumbered by trees,
Explore who I am, what I’m doing, where I’m heading.
At 50
Time to take stock,
Reappraise and reapply,
And fulfil my soul’s path.

How do you do that?
When you don’t know what it is
When you don’t know who you are
When you’ve never truly been you.
Always wanting desperately to fit in,
but never seeming able.
Afraid of being judged,
yet judging too.
Never taking action
for consequential fear.
Drifting through life,
Disassociated,
Disconnected,
Discombobulated,
No surprise.
Disengaged,
Discontented,
Disenchanted.

5 nights in the woods
Just me and my tent.
Walking all day,
Staring in the fire all night.
Sitting in peace and quiet amongst coppice, hornbeam and oak
Seeking answers
With none forthcoming.
Other than taking time out.
And dreaming of
Living the #vanlife
Going where the mood takes me.
No rush, no worries, no cares,
Just me and my camper van
Freedom and
Flexibility.

Travelling on the road,
Meeting kindness of strangers,
Comfy dress down
No airs and graces,
Deep conversations,
Connection,
Move on.
Being the nomadic free spirit,
that’s me.

But is it an escape?
A way to stay disconnected?
A way to not face up to feelings
Of anger and shame?
Or will it be the making of me?
The discovery of me?
The adventurer in me?

Look at yourself in the mirror
Truly see.
Look in your eye
Hold the gaze
And breathe in what’s there.
What do you see?
Who do you see?
Who’s the woman in the mirror?

Acknowledge who’s there.  
Accept who’s there.  
Love who’s there.
The woman staring back from the mirror.
Give thanks and
Gratitude,
For all that woman has been through.
For all that she has suffered.
For all that she has overcome.
For all that she is.
For all that she has become.
For all that she will be.
A fierce woman
Standing in her power.
For that is you.
That is your strength.
That is your power.
And that is your future.

A female Midas whose touch transforms into gold?
A Medusa who stare turns you to stone?
A sorceress who’s presence turns all to poison?
Or perhaps all three?
Only time will tell.

Rather than grabbing the proffered hand of help
To climb out of the deep dark hole
I have dug for myself,
Why oh why
Am I so determined
To drag him in with me instead?

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

Words
Shape us
Define us
Limit us, or
Expand us.
Words
Create our futures
And fulfils our destinies
Or our sorrows.
So choose carefully

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,
I’m beginning to agree,
Entrenched in my negative thoughts
And destructive patterns of behaviour,
I seem unable to change...