Chocolate or vanilla?
It depends on if I’m drinking milk or if I’m eating
one of your mom’s double chocolate brownies fresh out of that oven where the paint
is starting to chip off the sides where the door hits the countertop where we eat dinner with your parents
every Saturday night.
Summer or winter?
It depends on if you called me beautiful in the past few days and if had a good workout that day so I actually believed you
or if I’m in the mood to be lazy and lay on your bed
and watch movies all day as we cuddled up with that fleece blanket
eating popcorn and mac & cheese until we were stuffed past our limit.
Dogs or cats?
It depends on if I feel like being jumped on by the dog that looks like the one you lost
but could never fill the emptiness that took over you that night or if I was feeling okay with
occasionally being scratched when the cat who’s as old as you saw a shadow and jumped off my lap.
Early or late?
It depends on if the clouds are low in the sky and covering that spot where we liked to go and say nothing at all
or if the stars are out and we can lay under them talking about the universe and how small
everything around us actually is.
Dark or light?
It depends on if you fell asleep holding me and I woke up the same way or if you went out
and came crawling into bed the next morning smelling like cigarettes and her cheap perfume you tried to mask
by spraying yourself down with the cologne I got you last month.
Past or future?
It depends on if we’re talking about the times we laid together and talked about that little house in the woods
we were going to have or the countless times I was left sitting by that pond trying to decide what I did
to make you change your mind this time.
Do I miss you?
It depends on if we’re talking about the you that moved your schedule around to come watch me dance
up on that stage for the last time
or the you that sent that text and left town too afraid you wouldn't end it in person if you saw the look in my eyes.
Have I moved on?
It depends on if you mean whether or not I stopped thinking about how you signed that birthday card
from the both of us or if I learned how to love myself again.
Will I ever just give you a straight answer?
It depends.

Arriving in a lonely dark room
In which my misery loom
Unpacking a suitcase of doubt
No windows nor any way out
I take off the coat that protects me
It was made of your laughter and glee
Now I settle atop of this bed
Supported by things that I dread
I took the path that lead me here
For love and joy was all that I fear
I will forever live in a room full of sad
When I ran away from the good that I had

My chest aches
My heart sinks
My body tenses

There is a hole in my stomach
and I wish I could dry my eyes
but all I see is what they refuse to hid

everyone is happy
with a lover or friends
and I'm in drowning in emptiness

Why the **** isn't anyone offering me a hand?

HALCYON BOY. 17. DESTROYED AND THEN DIED.

LOST GIRL. 14. NEVER EXISTED FOR ME.

LOST BOY. 15. POTENTIAL TO DESTROY.

PERFECT GIRL. 16. NEVER CHARGED FOR HER CRIMES.

WANNABE BOY. 13. TAKEN BEFORE HIS TIME.

MELANCHOLY BOY. 14. DYING.

Break my heart
Shatter my bones
And blow away the ashes
Then hug her
Smile with her
Laugh with her
Do you not remember?
Remember the promise you made me
Your promise to fix me
You've seen me at my best
At my worst
You know what this does to me
And yet you still do it.
I noticed your hugs getting shorter
The distance growing larger
We've grown apart
Do you no longer mean it?
Do your I love yous
And your I think you're beautifuls
Do they mean nothing to you?
Because I still mean it.

I wish our words
could be as easily
erased from our hearts
as they are from paper

Yearly, yearly I knew you dearly --
Watched you blossom and sincerely
Hope to be more than merely
A seed without the sun.

Yearly, yearly I held you dearly --
Sown deep in the ground and growing nearly
As stretched as the sky and you now clearly
A seed within the sun.

Yearly, yearly I loved you dearly --
Nurtured as nurtured rarely austerely
Intertwined as death lets us be
Two seeds beneath the sun.