All this time
I blamed you
who changed
on the flip of a dime.
The subtle changes
the big changes
and everything in between
that I thought
made us fall.
I thought it was you
changing overnight
when really,
it was me
who didn’t mean to change at all.

You were playing poker with my heart
bluffing any chance you got
lying about the cards you've been dealt
and here I thought we weren't playing any games.

Somewhere along the way
I started looking for love in lust
and thinking if someone saw me naked
they cared enough to see my naked soul.

She was a dark cloud
that struck me over and over
anytime
I was not what she planned.
He was a storm
wreaking havoc over me
leaving me standing in the rain
clinging to the sun
that never stayed.
So I am not used to
constant sunshine
no cloudy days
and good weather.
But I want to get used to it.

It was the way you kept me on my toes,
never knowing what you'd say next
or what exactly you were thinking.
An aura of mystery
mixed with laughs
and a competitive edge.
You wouldn't let me win any games
as much of a sore loser as I was
but you didn't play games with my heart.
You made me laugh
and smile more than I had in forever.
A breath of fresh air;
healthy.
We fell fast
it was simple,
as easy as breathing.
It was unexpected
but I tried not to worry.
I didn't plan with you,
there was no pressure for a next step
just living in the moment
was something you made seem simple.

It became the norm;
it didn't change overnight
but slowly and surely,
it became a habit.

A night out drinking
became drinking in alone
and a twisted tea
turned into half a bottle of *****.

No one noticed how bad it got,
that alcohol was missing
and I was constantly hungover
healing that with more alcohol.

I woke up
not able to handle my thoughts
not wanting to see the chaos
I created called my life.

Going out to drink with friends
became a weekly tradition
but drinking alone
became a nightly tradition.

Sneaking juice and ***
or Jack and Coke
whatever I could get my hands on really
just to calm my head.

To numb the thoughts
and chaos
that I made
to shut out the world.

A few nights out
with excuses of parties
became mixed
with nights alone in my room.

Doing shots
chugging mixed drinks
praying I wouldn't get sick
but knowing I would.

Just for those few hours
of nothing,
the numbness
of shutting my brain off.

Blacking out was rare
so I was never ready when it happened
always wondering
what happened in those hours lost.

Not knowing how to stop
becoming irritable without it
seeing the signs of addiction
not recognizing myself in the mirror.

Knowing I had to stop
and wanting to stop
were two different things
until she said those horrible words.

I cleaned up my act
pouring the hidden bottles down the sink
those words working better
than cold water to the face.