I love autumn.
Why?
*Because it shows that dying can be beautiful.

It's vicious.
He spits honey-coated excuses
Just as I misplace forgiveness
Sliding under him,
Rising over me
As snowflakes fall outside this Brooklyn brownstone of mistakes.

But these pebbled streets
and long-forgotten sidewalks,
crossed daily by hundreds
...they soften everything.

It's beautiful and tragic
as I remember nothing and everything
If only for some time,
if only in this place.

This crack in the sidewalk, his hand in mine
That tree with the branch that hangs too low...
his eyes
a smile
true love.

This is where I come to forget.

Not long ago, I dreamed I was swimming in the most beautiful water I have ever seen. It was a crystalline, pastel tangerine which was the product of the reflecting sun. It was too clear that it felt like air. I was underneath, swimming in its deepness and yet almost teasing the surface with the underwater ripples of my moving legs and hands.
There were iridescent green trees protruding from the side of the pool rooted barely to the edges of the patches of earth at the sides. Almost glowing from within with a light of their own. They were big and its leaves were plentiful. Evergreen, full of richness and budding inside this water world.
I felt content. At one point I was swimming with my head towards the surface but I was still submerged and the caramel rays of the sun caressed my body and filled me with euphoria.
I was floating underneath further and further mesmerized by the beauty and serenity.
I saw myself from somewhere above as I enjoyed the sensation of the embrace of the water and swam immersed in mirth.
It felt like swimming in my aspirations and inspirations. The softer side of imagination.

I pulled at your edges
Soft, straight lines at first
Then thick, caterpillar fuzz spirals
Echoing into the vast expanse
Of your deep under ground
No map or metal
To shine within those dark caverns
But the deeper I traversed
I noticed a glow
Stumbling upon soul fire
Left out here in the wild
Explains your constant thirst for foreign soil under bare foot
Chasing oceans of sand
Just to drink the same vent-salted water
Our tongues entwined over powers with sweet
Feeding the high of a new sunset sky
This place inside, it is golden
True
It's holy and priceless
Completely you

I honestly am not suicidal anymore.
And that's good.
It's nice to be able to say that again.
I'd like to feel like I'm living more often, but I don't want to **** myself anymore, at least.
I honestly am not suffering from an eating disorder or any kind of weight paranoia.
This is also good.
It is really nice to be able to feel less worthless in that sense.
These are good things.
I'm getting better.
Let's focus on the positive, Ember.
This year WILL NOT JUST BE AN EXTENSION OF LAST YEAR.
You don't want to live like that anymore.
The silence is over.
Build something better for yourself.
It's time to find your own escape.
And it's time to focus on something better.
Maybe this sinking feeling of depression isn't entirely escapable, but count the struggles you've overcome.
I don't cut anymore, I don't starve anymore, and I don't make drafts for suicide notes anymore.
These are good things.
I still feel hollow, but I'm alive.
I'm going to start FEELING alive.
This is my goal.
It will be okay.
I need to start believing that.
because it is true.
I just don't know it yet.

you are
the words
that flow from my mind

you are
the shine
that fills in my eyes

you are
the inspiration of all i do
and i really think
i love you

An ancient saga tells us how
In the beginning the First Cow
(For nothing living yet had birth
But Elemental Cow on earth)
Began to lick cold stones and mud:
Under her warm tongue flesh and blood
Blossomed, a miracle to believe:
And so was Adam born, and Eve.
Here now is chaos once again,
Primeval mud, cold stones and rain.
Here flesh decays and blood drips red,
And the Cow’s dead, the old Cow’s dead.