I miss you.
I'm dying
the slow death
drowning in a sea
of people I don't know
never wanted to know
because there's only
ever been you
who sings to my soul
calling me back
yet never quite
wanting me.
I struggled
through the crowd
to find you
knowing
full well
you don't
want to be found
at least
not by me.  
I feel my
determination
waning away
my mind
pulled under
by unknown voices
my body ******
into an
unfamiliar crowd
I close my
eyes  imagining
your hand
as a Lifeboat
pulling me to you
but you're not here
not really
and I sink slowly
into a loud yet
voiceless crowd

sudden snakes in my brain
what a waste are my inaudible cries
mental welts i give myself
because i made you leave
now you hate me
**** my life
it's all just too hard to believe

inaudibly i crumble and fall into the dirt
don't bury me,  just leave me here
dead inside, inert
i died the day you left me
i'd never felt so hurt

hope in the shape of Zoloft
just isn't doing the trick
i read our chats over and over
and the flogging bud of failure
knowing how much I lost leaves
me feeling sick

you said i was toxic, maybe that's true.
i only know i've never loved anyone the
way i love you . my mental mosh pit, my
hodgepodge mind I feel so much that i'll never
say and the snakes in my brain will probably
never go away

I know misery, she haunts me
2am, 3am sleep eludes me
A song I didn't need to hear plays
invoking unwanted memories
everything sounds like her
everything looks like her
although nothing is her
because she is gone
gone yet eternally present
between my ears
living in my tear ducts
crowding my brain with
memories and regret
should I burn her letters
tear up her pictures
like that would banish her
from my brain
from my heart
nothing does that
she's always with me.

My life is a collection of hues brilliant and inert partly painted with pain and blood, a hodgepodge of wine and dirt.

Fold in the deepest oceans with a splash of goodbye tears mix with hot burning coals of a 'please come back' yearning that's lasted all these years.

I'll never be the freshly pinched cheeks of babies like the color of a rose, or a bright good morning sunshine, no, I'm neither of those.

I'm more like a starless night or hot desert sand beneath your feet, I'm not a crescendo I'm more like slight discomfort on repeat.

Your sand, my waves
you're every grain
hotter than one
can possibly explain.
my water
trickles to you
at first
just to tease
increasing
in urgency to aid
in your release.
before too long
my waves
crash against you
covering the ****
of your land
caressing it in it's
beautifully long span.
my wetness envelopes you as
I bury you in the splashes
applying wet thudding lashes
I pound your hot surface
with all that is my waves
because in the end it's only
you that I crave.

Time to put my armor on
the enemy approaches
and this won't be fun.

Time to put my armor on
She'll be clad in armor of fire
Girded in the knowledge of
every one of my wants,
needs and desires.

Time to put my armor on
Equipped with the sword
of allure she'll cleave my
heart and they'll be no cure .

Time to put my armor on
and March myself to war
it's hard to fight an enemy
that I adore.

You're gone
I will never
see you
touch you
breath you in
again. But
in my words
you will be
immortalized.
I assure you
my darling
that with my pen
as my witness
you will be painted
in deep strokes
of ink to lie penned
onto supple paper.

I will describe
your laugh
your eyes
the way you
tuck your hair
behind your ear.

You will and
have already been
quoted
described
and yes,
cried over
page after page
baptized
in tears and ink
hundreds of times.

Some will see you
as a Villain while
others will swear
you are a Goddess.

And always
when you leave
as inevitably
you always do
I'll beg for
your return
But you'll be gone
but I promise
you'll live forever
always as
the only story
that ever really
mattered.

Pull me apart
go ahead
I can't think
anymore
so I don't need
my head.

And oh my heart
take it too
it's dead inside
all shriveled up
from losing you.

Take my lips
I need them not
they've gone cold
a lonely pair
that misses
kissing your
Raven hair

My hands?, Yes,
they can go too
they're really
quite useless
if I can no longer
touch you.

These legs of mine
serve me no more
because with
the weight
of my sorrow
I can't even
walk to the door.

Let us not forget
my eyes of blue
all they do now
is cry and ache
to see you.

So go ahead
just pull me apart
my heart is dead
my soul shattered
take everything
that ever mattered
see if I care
just take it all
down to the
last hair.

Same old stairs
same old knees
climbing, climbing
higher than one might please
I'm only one of thousands
who've visited the man
who sits in the chair
in DC near Maryland.
In his day
He helped free people in need
he lived his life doing good deeds
I wanted to thank him
this one last time
so I went ahead and made the climb.

Her words cut
like knifes
each syllable
painted now in
hindsight's hue.

Of what's been
lost, in blood
and tears,
I write
this, my last
goodbye.

Words that
she said
deeply pierce
my soul.

A symphony
of pain,
leaving wounds
that never heal,
leaving scars that
still remain.

Here I write
a final verse,
a silent plea
in ink and tears
to let me go
and set me free.

In these lines
Although hard
to write
I must find
my peace and heal
my plight.

Yes, here I stand,
resilient,
with ink-stained
hands and heart,
I write with
pain and sorrow
it's time for
us to part.

Although,
these lines
may make me feel
somewhat worse
I find solace
In the freedom
of my own verse.

In the mist of
shattered dreams,
I pen
this final poem
A requiem
for what once was
before we lost
the joy.

You say I am a poet.
I tell you I am nothing.
You say I craft words.
I tell you I build nothing.
You look confused.
Imagine how I feel
that with a mere smile
the raise of an eyebrow
you push the words
right onto me.
That's right!
Don't you see now?
I am your paper.
You are 10,000 words
waiting to be written,
100 feelings
waiting to be had.
I lay myself bare to you,
an empty page,
just awaiting the
spill of your ink....

We are at an impasse
There's nothing I can say
at this point I think you're
better off if I just go away

I tried to talk to you
Just to explain how I feel
I try my best to keep it real

But you don't hear me when
I tell you I'm sad and I miss you
You only see complaints being issued

I pour out my heart to you
but you say being depressed
Is something I choose to be
but I just miss you so much
can't you see??

So, I bite my tongue so hard
there's blood in my mouth
I don't know what to say anymore
But I need to let it out

I'm confused and I feel
like we're out of touch
Maybe I say I love you
way too ******* much.

You accused me of being
like a broken record
on repeat
over and over
with no retreat.

At this point
I know I should
probably just go away
because I make you miserable
when I stay.

But like a moth to a flame
you just keep drawing me back
I want to be near you
without all this flack.

It's funny
all you really had to say
was "I miss you too"
but you never did which makes me
so ******* blue.

NO exact
measurement
will do
because
my Poetry is truly
immeasurable
sometimes
heartbreaking
other times
pleasurable.

You definitely
    want to
Start with passion
mix it with loss
a dash of pain
from her deceit
        with
a pinch or two
of how
I paid the cost.

Blend in tears
we wouldn't want
it to be
       D R Y
toss that together
with all the
hundreds
of Times I asked
her WHY?!?

Poetry needs to sit
i n s i d e  and Rise.
each new batch is a
Learning experience
and bound to make
You W I S E

I want someone I cannot have.
same story, different tale.
time spent with her, I'm elated
time apart, a bitter hell.

I want someone I cannot have.
her beauty takes my breath away
but she belongs to someone else
it be unconscionable to stay.

I want someone I cannot have.
so I try to turn and go
but every fiber of my being
just screams, "NO".

I want someone I cannot have.
this will **** me in the end
so I'll try to flip the script
and make her just a friend.

A woman with 2 jugs
and 7 stars
twinkle, twinkle
there you are.
Pouring out upon
the land blessings
and nourishment
held in one hand.
Seven stars
above your head
chakras
of the
crown
third eye
throat
heart
solar plexus
sacred
and root
points in your body
that run down your spine
Spinning wheels of energy
knowledge
almost as old as time
The bird overwatches
The holy ibis of thought
If you happen to receive
the Star card
chances are it's a sign
Inspiration
Imagination
Renewed hope
and faith.
Optimistic outlook
upon the your
very state
It's a positive
sign things are
changing and a sense
of healing is soon
on it's way.
The stars are already
yours so breath into them
and claim your
renewal of spirit today.

I miss
your smile
that starts at
your eyes
and ends up
on my lips.

I miss
your eyes
how they'd
pull me in
and capture
my world.

I miss
your voice
the way one
word from you
you numbed
all the pain.

everyday
you explode
into my brain
I don't want to
sound crazy
because
it's not like
I'm insane.
It's just
every piece
of you is
embedded
into me like
shrapnel from
an explosion
where you
blew apart
and became
permanently
embedded into
my heart.

I decided I want her.  she that with a raise of an eyebrow can give me a good day or a bad day.

I'll take her piercing eyes and that smirk, you know, the small laugh that she gives me when she thinks I'm being ridiculous or the flash of anger that tells me the subject is over, ended.

I'll take her lips, full and so soft against my brow,  along with her sweet voice that tells me everything's going to be OK when I am not always sure it will be.

I'm OK thinking about it now, but when she walks into the room,
I can't breathe, her beauty blinds me and I'm surrounded on all sides and at that very moment there's nothing in the world but her

My anxious attachment
is a carnivorous beast
with sharp biting mind talk
eater of my relationships
it makes it's feast

I try to self sooth
to self regulate
But I can't get past
my doubts, inner monologues
and constant debates.

She says she loves me
And to trust her
I doubt every word she speaks
The status of our relationship
is beginning to look bleak

No matter how hard I try
I remain insecure
I can't stop self sabotaging
I create my own reality
Because I create my own causality

She said she's becoming overwhelmed
But I don't know what to do
To stop this mental *****
All the things I put her through

I don't know how to help myself
I need to end this strife
this constant need for dopamine
Is ruining my life

come to
my window
have a glass of wine
you must see that
I think of you most
all of the time.

join me
in the garden
come sit and talk awhile
and I'll try to hide the fact
of what you're doing to me
with your smile.

stay awhile
but I warn you
never touch my hand
because then everything
I'm feeling you'd easily
understand.

Spring is almost sprung.
The flowers await the rain.
I understand their longing
because the time I spend
without you drives me
quite insane.

Spring is almost sprung.
With the silence of the leaves
and the smell of honeysuckle air
my soul smiles remembering
the last time you were here.

Spring is almost sprung.
Life thaws and wakes
Mother Nature to start anew.
And I remain patiently
waiting for you.

she didn't tell me so she lied
leaving me with thousands of
tears over the years I've cried.
Now in hindsight, I understand
the sudden trip to Disneyland,
Of course, I was a fool because there was
a reason I was missing so much school.

she knew but I did not so she lied
I was oblivious in the worst kind of way
selfishly unaware
and I blame myself to this day.
Trips to the mall to buy a new dress,
so easily forgiven when I made a mess.
A new sound system,
Mounds of comic books,
My very own TV.
But she told my brothers and not me
thus stole my chance to live in reality.

She thought I was too young so she lied
had I have known, the questions would
have poured out of me like a flood
instead she left me with so many
unanswered questions about the secrets
of all life's greatest lessons.
See, I didn't need toys, prizes or trips abroad,
Those aren't important now that she's gone.

She wanted to spare me the truth that
she was dying, so she lied.
Decades later I'm still angry inside.
So when all was unsaid and done
all she really left me was
A Beethoven bust,
A lot of broken trust,
The love of poetry,
Tons of insecurity,
years and years of acting wild
but mostly she left me
a motherless child.

Flowers bloom under salmon pink sunsets
grass grows and runs away with itself
newly born baby birds fly or fall
Yes, spring is finally in the air but
why am I so unimpressed with it all?

I yearn for cold, the crisp cool wind
my tennis shoes rustling the leaves
as I walked to her house where
the main street ends.

Autumn is my Master who beckons
me to stand tall against the sometimes
bitter coldness that stays around and on
into the fall.

On nights when she's away
I don't seem to care
what the world has to say.
I hear everything,
yet I hear nothing.
Crickets chirp, chirp
Faucets drip, drip
I can't seem to stop
thinking of her lips.
The wind ROARS.
The night whispers.
I feel so alone
when I'm not with her.
Frogs croak.
ribbit, ribbit
a horn goes off
honk, honk
down the street.
I want to lay
down with her
and hear the
thump, thump
of her heartbeat.

No matter how hard I try to
It's the worst kept secret
the fact that I love you

When you enter the room
I attempt to deceive
for when I look at you
I can hardly breathe

God forbid you should
notice me looking
my attempt at being
nonchalant
is hardly working

So we'll go on ignoring
how my heart skips a beat
every time our eyes meet

one step at a time
right, left, right
ignore the mind talk
keep moving forward
right, left, right
feel the pain
but don't
run back for more
right, left, right
your heart is breaking
she left it torn
no looking back
right, left, right
your tears may flow
you'll want her back
but remember her words
and how they hurt you
right, left, right
days will pass
yet time marches slowly
why does she call me?
don't call her!
right, left, right
doesn't she even miss me?
I missed her so much!
things might get better
with one more try
right, left, right
where am I?
you've moved on
forward movement
right, left, right

My words have lost all meaning since  you left
I've absolutely no more passion and
I can no longer count all the times I've wept

I have more tears than words these days
it's like all my words have dried up
who needs words anyway
give me liquid courage in a cup

Am I still a poet? I don't know
or were my words all spent
and you took them as you went

I'm alone now and I ponder
can anyone still hear me I wonder
she spilled all my ink when she left
me standing here bereft.

AM I STILL A POET??????????

I am fragile
falling
and breaking
over and over
I reach out to
lovers
who have left
for another.
I feel
I'm drowning
emerged in
lost hopes
confused and
reciting old
and forgotten
tropes.
My trauma
is real
fostering
multiple
heartbreaks
often I feel
there's
not much more
I can take.
Inside I feel
pushed and pulled
she left me
in the night
once again a fool.
I wonder
if I'll ever
be what
someone needs
their true love
the only one
they want to
please.

Breaking apart
your verbal
sledgehammer
demolishes me
words that crush
all that I am
all that I thought
while I try to find
rhyme or reason
for the assualt.

Broken down
As floods of malice
pour out from wounds
I could not see
in you, from you
I am broken
beyond repair
It's only cold now
now that I see
you no longer care.

Break through, a must
to breath.
I deconstruct
everything I am.
It's no longer of import
why you eviscerated
me with your words
why you left me
as you did.
In the end
you didn't love me
was what occurred.

She left me
one fine spring day.
I didn't see it coming,
or rather her going away.

Winter came because
she left me.
My heart chapped from
the coldness of her exit.

I couldn't find her
to beg her back since
she left me
I remain a total wreck.

Time has passed but
I still cry in my bed that
has become a tomb in which
she left me.

You left
in the night
silent
deadly
a ghost
a shell
of who
I once was
in a fresh
kind of hell.

I'm stripped.
flayed.
cut down
to the bone.
yes, this is me
since
you've been
gone.

I"m starving
for you
your touch
your breath
on
my skin
a whisper
alone
the cure
to put
me back
together again.

I stand
by the
water's edge.
I see you
rise
sword in hand.
you ******
the blade into me,
deconstructing
everything I am.
I bleed
for you today
my love
red droplets
color the water
oh so deep
But in my death
I notice that you
don't even weep.

I was once a tall oak tree
as tall as the eye could see.
I lived in a lush green forest
full of animals, trees and plsnts
we had every species from
an elephant to a badger to an ant

One day men came into my home
I hoped they would leave us alone
but they had an arsenal of chain saws
and, axes and it was then their intent
became clear,  they meant to cut us
down which filled me with utter fear.

Then they stack us up log by log,
one by one until the deed was done .
Next they took us to a processing area
where they fashioned us into planks,
boards, tables, stools and chairs.

And although I'd rather have stayed a tree
instead of furniture and other means
of utensils, it could have been worse
at least I can tell my story because
they made me a pencil.

My sin,
to miss the mark
in life.
as above, so below.
I effect, my own
final outcome.
living daily
in a tomb
self made
needing
the cup
to renew,
to refresh,
but
only attacking
my problems
with
a sword of air,
thinking it sharp
a deceit,
a manipulation,
false words,
promises
that never come.
pretty pink
lips
to needy ears.
a false manifestation
of words unspoken,
merely hoped for
in denial of truth.
The magician
although powerful
influences with
misdirection.
I seek the earth
below my feet
pentacles of sand
dissolve
with every step.
I discover
I cannot walk
only fall.
A quest
for the truth
limping through
life
in hopes of
finding fire,
the wand breaks
beneath the strain.
laden with
unfulfilled
plans
desires
dreams
her broken oath
to love
The magician lies.

The city holds my heart
Where it sits so far away
at the crossroads of
the Black Sea and Marmara
on the Boğaziçi strait.

The city holds my heart
Buy a simit from the stand
riding the ferry all day
feeding the seagulls
from my hand.

The city holds my heart
The rhythm of the streets
the taxi and the delivery bikes
walking up and down the hills
matches the rhythm of my
heartbeat.

The city holds my heart
How the drivers honk by day
and by night, the meow of
the cats as they go their
merry way.

The city holds my heart
Waking up to the sound of
the squawking birds
telling me it's time to
awake and always demanding
to be heard.

The city holds my heart
My favorite place to be
with my eyes closed tight
listening to the Adhan
from the balcony.

The City holds my heart
The people hold such honor
I say to them “Elinize sağılık"
And bless the mothers
and the fathers.

The City holds my heart
The people on the street
The greatest to the least
the drunk man to the priest.
from North, South, West
and East.

The city holds my heart
The family I left behind
I love them, they're so kind
I pray that Allah always
Protects them until I can
return And once more make
the city mine.

someday...
I'm going to stop
adoring you
long enough to see
that you don't care.

someday...
I'll stop admiring
your pictures
with a wide eyed drool
and realize
you're talking about me
behind my back
and treating me like fool.

someday...
I muster up
enough self-respect
to see that I'm loving you
and you're laughing at me.

my heart erupts
in a volcano
of disappointment.

she's gone.
there was no lava,
no ground quaking,
just a thud then
hot flowing tears

it's more like I jumped
into the gaping hole
left in her absence.

The clock ticks on the wall
I think back to a time when
I used to feel so small.
Back in those times
I used to let myself
get dragged down
usually only wore
creased eyebrows
and frowns.
Now I'm stronger
I can fly at times
all alone I smile
rather than cry.
Experience more
laughter than sighs.
appreciate the times
as they go by.
How did this happen
you ask curious.
I started by smiling more
stopped taking everything
so serious.
Practicing being grateful also
helped me to be kind
rather than
seeing only on my pain inside.
The hardest part was letting go
of all the Toxic people in my life
I thought I needed,
who I used to beg to stay
to the point I pleaded.
I thought I needed them
to make me whole
when loving myself
should have been the goal.
Now I'm a do-er
Not a downer
A smiler, not a frowner.
I put myself first
and practice self care
and I don't miss how I was
back then and there.

I'm on the edge of something great!

The cards lay before me
each turned slowly
one by one
to announce my fate.
I don't know much but
I know I want her as
my mate.
I want to buy her
everything
Jewelry
clothes
and a ring.

Then He arrives
Le Diable
The Devil
Half God
Half Goat
Offering me
all the riches
of my heart,
to have most
everything I want.

A fool's journey
I already know this
but my heart wants her
in my life, in my bed
she's all my world
she's in my head.

I know there's a price
nothing comes for free
The chains lay waiting
(pleasure, abandon, excess)
set aside for me.
Oh it's my choice
to wear the devil's chains
the devil signifies evil
but I know my choice remains.

Saturn, the red planet
home of The Devil
Capricorn the sign
leading to my personal
fate left yet undefined

Born in a moon of Scorpio
A Capricorn at birth
last day of December
does this define my worth?
I'm done begging God
for something real and new
I will take my chances
on the cards dealt
hoping to me they'll be true.

So I put the chains
around my neck
they feel like a noose
they aren't tight though
only my desire restrains me
as the chains are very loose.

Now grant me my heart's desire
make her love me again
and our life be fun.
The devil reminds me
on that front The Wheel
has already been spun.

Brother, below my window I lay tonight.
Mother moon luring my mind away,
sleep calls ending the days fight.

What I know of my brother comes only from
what I’ve been told, on highways in the
slow middle of the night and from memories
of old.

The truth rolls out harshly, a story too long
sitting tight on the throat. I couldn't
have told it better with anything I wrote.

I cannot allow the knife's edge to slice
through the moonlight which colors this hue.
I fear I’ll wake up from this dream,
remember the truth of it all and then
not know what to do.

I want to recite every detail upon awaking
to make a memory freshly grown. How can I,
however, love someone I’ve never really
known?

At night, what I know is what I dream mixed
with stories shared, of when he was alive, from
those who really cared

Nightly my sleep pulls me back to you in waves
with such a fierce gravity. Always beckoning me
back to what I wish we could be.

My brother, once you called a Nicolaitan to
denote my lifestyle but I buried that pain
away with you all the while.

So I sleep under the moonlight, hazy dreams
of what should have been. See how my hands hold
this pane all night because you're still my
brother in the end.

It's 5AM
and I feel
nothing
at all
again.
my
thoughts
lost in
shadows
of what
could have
been.
Dreams,
like whispers,
all just
fade away,
I see
no colors
only shades
of gray.
Oh how
I long
to hear
her voice
soft
inside
my head
but am
deafened by
unwanted
silence
instead.
I struggle
against
my heart
hoping inside
I'll find
a little
fight,
a glimmer of
possibility
A chance
that things
will
someday be
alright.
So in the
silence
within this
vacant hour,
I find some
solace
in knowing
I still
have power.

Strength
La Force
a card of
female persuasion
a slow approach
is the key,
she's not
leading an invasion.

Her hat,
both worn and earned
whose brim
eludes to infinity
She stands
with leisure
relaxed
determined
steadfast faith
but not divinity.

Some believe
her to possess
a hint of magic,
like the Magician
yet subtle and calm
and much less tragic.

However,
She's merely mortal,
you see,
no kind of God is she.

One might fear
her safety
as she is so close
to the lion
but look closer
she's got him tied
with a chain of flowers
so she's hardly even trying.

She doesn't fear the lion,
she treats it with patience
and respect
she has the wisdom
to know how hard to push
to get the desired effect.

This card speaks volumes
while it teaches and reminds us
that True Power comes from
compassion and love not
brute force and
a heavy handed glove.

Inner Strength,
Patience,
Confidence,
Compassion,
Fortitude,
and Self-Belief are
traits that will lead
to Victory in one's life
where
Brute force.
insecurity,
Manipulation
Anxiety and
Self-doubt
will only lead
us into strife.