I held my grandmother's hand and realised that it was not living. There wasnt any blood flowing through her veins that were noticeable on her wrist and her fingers. Her fingers were almost purple and she still had the purplish gold color on the nail of her thumb. And I knew that this was how the pain flows in your heart when someone dies.

Let your pain slip away as you rise to the surface of the life ocean
Let your sorrows and your sufferings drown

Let the marks that you cast upon us shine
Let your wishes and your desires grow in us

Let your love and your words stay in our hearts and let the paradise of truth stays within you

You break me into a masterpiece of marks and poetry
And that's how I write and thought about your apology.

i saw the veins on your hands as you carried me to safety
I saw you slouching with your back as you waited patiently for the doctor's words
I saw you feeding me rice when I could barely say 'grandmother'

And now I'm watching you sleep on the hospital bed
I am as worried as you were when I was too sick to breathe

Your inconsistent heartbeats brought my mama to tears
But I'm still here
remembering how much you told me to stay strong

Must have been good when you have hands to pull you from your sea of sadness
Must have been good when you could lay your head on bony shoulders to cry
Must have been good when someone hugs you tight and tells you that it's okay to cry
Must have been good when someone waits for you to tie your shoelace even when you're both late to class

But, it must have been devastating when you're lost and lost in your own tears
It must have been devastating when you're secretly drowning in your tangling depression while you lie through your expression
It must have been devastating when a bitter word could change the colours of your soul from the happy magenta to the crying blue
It must have been devastating when you're pretending to sleep with the sad words dancing to the the soft music of your own mind.