through all the heartache
through life and death
through all the chaos that lives in my head
we can all be certain of one thing
i was much more clever when i was on ******

way too often i imagine a life where i've never met him
(i never end up any place good)
but in all these imaginings
i always feel like me
i always feel like i'm enough

so now can you un-save me?

oh boy i*
fight so hard to stay awake
as your fingers trail across me
you make my skin shudder and shake
you see my day was long and muddy
i can't quite wash it all away
liquor didn't rinse it either
but please don't turn away cause

i can make your earth quake
disrupt precious soil and tear patterns in the roadway
a tornado to the heavens and a free fall down on me
i won't let you regret coming home tonight

baby
please

We take the night
Flourish when our minds are most at ease
In between the artsy and the ghetto,
It's gonna take some doing to really change
Maybe if there's someone else
Who isn't too young to save, too irresponsible
We'd be taken to a more realistic edge
Get down and face it,
We don't need as much
As we think we do

Here we are, and here we go

I've been trapped
Lost in a cage
Planning for a great escape
But whether or not
It could happen to me,
I really can't say.
Today you're where I'm at
Where I want to be -
This can happen to me,
I believe I believe

We've investigated a thousand new names
like what I've got isn't good enough for fame
Surprise, surprise - money buys everything,
Actuality and Individuality
it's a state of realism we can't escape
Looking, you don't find flaws in anything
but you know the difference between
poetry and a shallow being
Let's be real here, crazy, let's be real
we feed off of one anothers intricacies
A beauty in ecstasy and believability
I've tried to melt into someone else
Then before nothing made sense
until you, impossibility

There's nothing to compromise
It's just you and I,
fitting
I'm not numb,
some would find that irksome
but I'm glorified in the feeling

I find that place on your chest
That beats like a bomb
A keyboard synthesized to play my song
With every breath you grow lost
Confused by each tear
A lapse in judgement, in character
I don't fear, I don't fear.

I have my fingers pressed into you
Like it means something-
"Don't you see?"
We'll be more than we ever expected could be.

I lost me when I had you
Hadn't moved an inch when you
Came back around
Underneath the porch steps
Small enough to fit into
Cracks in the pavement
I'd of done anything you asked

Flirt with me, come with me
I want to hear your voice
I want to touch your face
Try and fill an open wound
Leave feeling displaced
Never forget those eyes
Burning sunsets in my mind
I think I'd let you in
Again, again, again

"There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure
but I don't know many of them."
Sylvia Plath

Unfortunately for me
I don't have a tub
Just a shrinking shower
Reminiscent of a coffin
It can be enough
If you put some music on
I let my little miss jam on the keyboard
More like slamming out a tune
Something my mother
Always encouraged me to do
But I never did
I had a bathtub then

God forbid I hurt your feelings, so
I'll say this once, it was fun
...maybe, when? I was a kid
No longer do you make me happy
Not so sure you ever did

Leave me on, the coffee stays warm
Keep good watch, it's boiling hot
Wish you'd slip, I'd burn your skin

These things don't make us happy
They only numb the pain
Indifference got me good, thanks to you, babe
I wrote a poem about you
Here it is, your claim to fame

I was numb to
everything you
said or did
almost like I was
drugged or something
the time I got to your house
she was there before me
and I
should've ****** you
right there in the driveway
her sad crazy eyes
watching

instead you left bruises
from trying to keep me

Eyes fallen through
The back of my head
Which rattles with every turn

Quicker thoughts and
Scribbled words
Ideas I've had before

I do what I want
And feel empowered by my
Decision making skills
Although the decisions are poor
And consequences linger

I feel I'm
Honoring my deepest wishes
But I'm just
Giving in to darkness
Listening to demons

Girls with mermaid tails wear lipstick
Know which mistakes to fix
And fix them
They laugh at easily entertained boys,
Never care about butterflies
And swim faster than the fish
I
Broke out of a cobweb town
Bought a princess crown
And lately been trying
Not to lie and never be afraid
Life is not a stage and I want to tell you all
Play no predestined role
Fear is a wall that you can demolish

Cleaning the fish bowl today
I realized
Not even goldfish
Enjoy swimming
In their own ****

Unlike you and me
We wallow in self pity

I know I don't need to push you
you've got the strength
in your own legs and knees
to get you as far into the sky
as your hearts been wondering

you'll dance in the stars
take them as partners, one by one
each will belong to you
they'll dip you down into breathtaking reality
where it's just me pushing you
toward dreams

the stars haven't to do with anything
nor does the sky in which they play
the swing on which you sway
it's not about what they think
I write where they can take you but
you've your own vision of success
and if you don't... well I, at most,
feel bad

it's just me myself I'm talking about
I could become a meteorite
were I to ever hit the ground

and so I'll catch the next train
ride a buzz to Tuscan, AZ
where everything looks the same
except the sunrise,
which always changes your mind,
into gold!
and although it's been sold,
you can still reattain
coaxed and waxed,
old souls
We're estranged

and when it rose that's when I knew
I'd always sing of you
sea swept over me
covered me in
hopeless romanticities
when it rose, I knew

I smoke my last cigarette
Fill my lungs with regret
and lunacies
an inescapable dream
I always knew it'd just be me
leaning against the door of an old Chevy
praying the heat won't **** me
but secretly hoping so
I feel it burning through the soles of my feet
something that was just meant to be
but the king knows his place
and I've no say

we're under the same watchful sky,
you and me

I saw Death creeping
Licking his chops
Preying

I watched him
On his tip-toes
Polish fruit and
Smell old ladies perfume

To him the days are
Light and easy
Moments don't add up
Time won't get heavy

But when the clock struck 8:01
You went with him
Where to, I don't know

To me, you are love.
You are the quiet tenderness of a serene night and the bright excitement of a new day.
You hold the scent of sweet flowers knotted up in your curls, and the bite of the ocean in your scalp slick with sweat.
Tonight, you hugged your mommy tight. And I inhaled the scent that makes you you,
for the millionth time.

at my dining room table
a different language is spoken
everything is sweet
and nothing is broken
legs are crossed at the ankles
smiles hang in frames

these people from pictures
they're not yet burned
I've not yet heard

Oh, no, thank you.
Well, maybe a drink.
I've come a long way.

we don't seem so different anymore
breaking through the walls
floating down the steps
and crashing down the hall
they bounce around from ear to ear
or so I think
until they're here

My fingernails scratch bright
red through your skin
Dig, dig, digging around
in your organs
Need to find that sore, swollen
power house;
Shelter of let downs and searches for
lifts out
I'll break every rib in this cage to set you free

Would you look at what my hands of red have
gotten in?
Assume the sun rises orange over
each mountain
The hungry showdown makes me feel small
as a field mouse
Spent the day with the clouds just to pray,
guess I'm devout
I'd rather be walking through doors than
jumping out windows
It doesn't work this way but I'd
break every rib to set you free

My brother, he was small once
But I don't remember that
I'm tough and he's big
(good thing cause in reality I'm freaked)
I love him even though he stinks
and on my birthday he dropped my cake
Mom shouldn't have given him the responsibility, what with his webbed hands and feet
He'll never forget it, neither will we
My brother, King of Swampy Pond
My brother the hippopotamus

The water in the sink is an ocean
To be conquered by explorers
The explorer is You
Deep sea diving for lost treasure
Pots, pans, a cup for measure
The soap and I will conquer you

love to hold you
while you are still
after the stars
sprinkle their dust
it hangs in sparkles
from your lashes
your skin still damp and pink
love to hold you
after the waves
wash over the clouds
all the days creatures
paint a navy sky
leaving tiny holes so
glimpses of heaven
can peek its eyes through
love to hold you

I'm listening to your foreign conversation
Distracting me from my study of mood rings
- repeating cycles, I should say.
A wide open view of blue greys
Behind pine trees
Density reminds me to reminisce
I shake my head
I think the kid who left - the lanky one
With glasses and greasy blonde hair -
Did it for the sake of chivalry - offering
His seat to me. I like to think this
But probably not.
Maybe he was late to class
And I Am Just
- well, What's your diagnosis,
doctor?

Thank you, everyone!
For all your existence
Some days I wonder how to find
Beauty in all of this - The joy is in
Acceptance, at the end of it
I saw a stream that ran into
A lake escaped into the Atlantic
and then drowned the entire Earth.

My mind is waging a war
With the old girl next door
She's full of joy and hope
Sunken in quick sand
Too thick to reach out a hand
And grab onto her rope

Life's little beauties
Have the power
To astound me

Life's little horrors
Have the power
To paralyze with anxiety

and
*I'd rather just feel nothing

hunger
like towering walls
of water

i won't give in though i
crave crave crave*


they won't let me get drunk
won't let me do drugs
won't let me do nothing
so nothing gets done

two miserly words
self sabatoge

The guys lately been trying to tell me
To better who I am increase my productivity
I ask him how he got this way
How'd he work it out so easily
He's getting up in age, I trust him
He says "I didn't want to be a product of my environment
I didn't let my parents abuse destroy
I take the good with the bad and
Am grateful for every day I wake up alive."
He's getting up there in age so I trust him.

Me I revel in the pain
I'm more frustrated by the day to day but
My misery feels like a warm murky bath
It covers my skin and sinks right in changing my DNA,
Embraces the demon I'm becoming

I know how to tell a story, spin a web of half true truths
Catch a thousand flies with each and every ruse
Not wanting to tell a story to you, I have to find a way to say..
Last night after you left,
I hopped out of bed and got dressed
Scribbled on some eyebrows and lips
Went on my way with a guy I just met
Stumbled back into bed around six
Brushed my teeth when I woke up at ten

This is what I planned to say

Today,
You came over to shoot the ****
and I lied to your face about all of it

The most of us
Upon realizing that we are purposeless
Are content with that fact
and existing as
Grace and Thankless Droids
aren't you smarter than that?

*it's all we got and you'll find it
only if you don't stop looking
it costs whatever it takes
someday, baby, someday

whose life and love deserves to be held in my palm?
the trail i leave behind stains of you and mine
the heart is not a fragile glass,
it is a miscalculated bomb

alongside us,
the stars kiss the reservoir
inaudible thoughts
you press on the clutch
and gears start shifting
i am
the great white moon
you see
his wet wavy reflection

when something grips and takes you over
a fleeting thought of remembering
a post-season bird misplaced and depressing
one word they said that triggers your next
whatever it may be,
look at me
look at this place
look how hard i am trying
for sense to someday make

inevitably you are lost,
like a flower in the snow
but my darling, can't you see?

don't you know?

love is ticking
love is finding
and deactivating

Maybe we can go back
Try undoing the past
Where is the thrill of
Anticipation?

In the last grade of
Elementary
They allowed us
To sign our
Virginal names in
Blueorblack ink
I was ten, I
Had already written
My script then
I did it in
Permanent pen

There was no time to erase

Mother wasn't excitable
some days, she was
She tore up my script
My script after script
Every idea
To her
Just ****
And I'd begin
Again in pen

Swallowed a fragment of a prayer
For an angel that's been pillaged by monetary gain
Not a shred of humanity remains

We can get by with just a couple of things
Like love, like faith
Like respect, hope and positivity
Do you see no worth in these?
How dare you think that way?
That we exist to serve you
That we are sailors on a ship of greed
Wouldn't you like to be happy?

You've been abandoned by your crew

And you always thought you were doing good

Ha
*******.

the sun is a halo over the steeple
blinding cast on the winter snow
most are confused by a peaceful sleep
quiet now or the reality will show


is this how life as
an insider looks?
like disciples,
they gather only to disperse
loud sheep, starving

up out of my seat,
walk fast past the pews
stained glass windows,
cold smelly books in brown
wooden rooms

through the wet white terrain

where everything sparkles like crystals
my knees were bleeding, i cried
*take me home, take me home

my words:
a parachute,
over your
Earth of
problems -
deflated and
tethered long
before landing

Come so hot but go so soon
Pads of our prints prune in the water
I'd hold you under if it meant
You'd be mine, forever
I've lost every step along the way
Praying you go back home with me
I bore you in the dead of winter
You were but a sapling
Clinging to splinters
I breathed love into you
Sweet, guilty love
I breathed smoke into you
Burning sweet, sticky lungs
You came so hot,
You were supposed to go so soon
But now,
I'm not sure what to do with you

There is a place in my mind
But oh, how time flies
So I'm left to think
I’ll never get there
Been feeling this lame winged way
Since I first heard myself say
“Move at your own pace,"
My face sits against the window pane

There’s that bird,
Perched on the other side of the glass,
Worm in mouth
How is he going to figure this out?

Trapped with the fear of losing his dinner
Hopping from one branch, back to the other
My insatiable heart sings, sun shines through
We see the world beyond the trees, nest in view

I'll never get there
The feathers fall
He’s ****** too.