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Remmy Aug 2017
I want to **** myself
How do I tell my loved ones that I'm suicidal again
Nothin bads happened
I just feel hopeless again
They stay positive when I tell them there's no point to life
Which ****** me off
Cause I can't see it
This mythical rainbow that y'all speak about
Just ****** me off cause all I see is black and white
Life or death
Happiness or sadness
Hate or love
I hate you for being able to see the rainbow
Because I can't
All I see is black and white in a sea of red
Nothing seems to help and I don't know how to tell you that
Because every time I do you try to make me feel better
But that's not what I need
I need you to come join me in my depression hole for a while so I'm a little less alone
Don't point out the rainbow
Just comment on the black and white and don't comment on the fact that I live in a sea of red
  Aug 2017 Remmy
Eric W
You'll have to forgive me;
I've begun to move slower
in my older age.
No longer am I filled with fire
and the willingness to set aflame
all that is around me.
Now I am of rumbling, slow-burning
coals,
the type of which men cast
swords passed down through the ages.
Love to me is no longer a
keen sting --
nor do I want it to be --
but instead it is a soft dedication
expressed through an intermittent presence,
not through flowery acts or syllables.
I do not move so fast now.

From twenty to twenty-four,
only four short and long years,
but much have they taught,
and much have I listened
and much have I not.
But I am more careful now
in the affairs of life and love.
Not so quick to destroy,
but much quicker to understand.
Most times,
but I'm still learning
slowly
that when you know anyone enough
you will reveal your humanity
and they, too, will reveal theirs.
And I would rather have mine understood
than judged
as would we all
so I take my time,
I do my best to understand
and not to judge.

Sometimes things take awhile,
so I move slowly these days.
Forgive me.
Remmy Aug 2017
maybe i need to accept my flaws
what flaws?
no darling no more denial
you jump without leaping
leap without jumping
you dont think about the situation in its entirety
you didnt think about the situation surrounding her
you just saw her and your feelings for her
you didnt think you just leaped
youu leaped without jumping
and jumped without leaping
you need to do both
you need to jump and leap
you need to remember that situations come in wholes
not halves or quarters or eighths
they come in wholes
jump and leap my darling
jump and leap
Remmy Aug 2017
I was hungry
But I don't want to eat
I want to starve
Remmy Aug 2017
Blood dripping down my long black nails
There goes my month of being clean...
Remmy Aug 2017
Somebody once told me they didn't know what slam poetry was
I stared at them waiting for them to laugh
I truly thought they were joking
They weren't
My mind internally interrogated her
But what do you do when you're feeling something so intensely you hold your breath and your whole body freezes
What do you do when you can't talk to anyone about what you're going through because they don't believe you
What do you do...
But then I realized
The only reason I know slam poetry is those nights I sat with a blade by myself in the dark of my room late into the night wondering whether it was more of a sin to **** myself or to be gay
The times I was having two to three panick attacks a night and had no one to hold me
I realized that she didn't have mental health issues
I realized she wasn't queer
I realized she didn't have any minority status besides being a girl and she didn't even feel strongly about that
While I'm still not a fan of those nights in the dark by myself with only a phone in front of me
I'm thankful for the voices and words who conveyed such emotion to let me know that I'm not alone
To let me know that someone feels as passionately as I do
To give me words to feel my feelings
So I'm glad that girl didn't know what slam poetry was because it meant she hadn't suffered but I hope one day when she finally hits a bump in the road that she finds friends in powerful voices just as I did
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