With a face and voice like that you’d never guess
the girl was five foot ten
she walks in and towers above the image
you expected
a girl pushing five feet, dainty, even whimsical
but surely petite
she’s far from petite

This girl sympathizes with transgender bodies
yet envies those who succeed
Hormones and knives can fix gods mistake
but nothing can fix me
so women will sit dreaming of dropping pounds
and she dreams of dropping feet
never complete

Psychs and shrinks digress this to be nothing more
than another disorder
Her views on herself are simply brushed off
as body dysmorphia
yet therapy nor pills shall shake her desire
to fix gods mistake
by freeing her soul of this giant hell hole
leaving it for someone else to take.

Maybe I'm just ****** in the head
that's why I'm never happy,
I give, they take, I get nothing in return
but a fake safety net if it all crumbles
"but I gave you that" "remember that one time.."
sure I've done a lot for them
but the scales are never balanced
once someone calls it quits

I can't be the only one
With voices screaming at me claiming tomorrow is my last
My skin itching for the goosebumps of curiosity
My eyes dilating at the thought of a new high
Kids are screaming down the streets in their bare-feet
Saying you only live once so live wild and free
Heels lost in the parks surrounding our house
Sitting on the rooftops screaming  at the moon
We are young wild and free
and if we die tomorrow we won't die in vain.

I didn't mind the headache,
or the weakness in my stomach
when I opened my eyes this morning.
All that mattered was his hands caressing my sides,
down past my thighs;
His crooked half smile that made my heart swim;
His huge arms as they pulled me into him,
his determination to make sure there was no space between us;
His breathing as he slowly fell back to sleep,
and his soft whispers in my ear
as I drifted further into unconsciousness.
He
He is the one for me.

Fridays are my saving grace
driving from my end to yours
finally feeling your lips against mine

Saturdays are spent in your arms
in your bed and around town
smiling as though tomorrow'll never come

Sundays are when it all ends
spent trying to pry me from your clutch
and praying for Friday to come again

My dreams are slowly crashing down
towards the bullseye on my head;
I don’t want to face reality,
I don’t want to face tomorrow.

I'm tossing and turning
drowning in a sea of sheets
in a bed twice the size of my own
until I awake to find his arms
reaching for me
coiling around my body
and keeping me close
till I can breathe again.

Imagining a day without you has proved to be impossible
You've grown under my skin,
Whether you're a main artery
Making sure every drop stays within my veins
Or a vital *****
My back up brain when mine chooses to backfire
And i am terribly selfish for needing you so
But i'm afraid i cant let you go

Sunkissed brown stretched across

my deepest desire;

But soon I will be counting

one, two, three

pointy white

protruding trophies.

Judging by his eyes he's not sorry
Judging by his face he doesn't care
And judging by the texts last night
He'll never change.
Stone cold
Your empty eyes glare on past
My frame, sunken into your couch.
What did i expect after that?

I've memorized the dance routine to get down my creaky staircase;
left two three, right two three, spin, skip and check.
Then quickly get into the garage for a way-past-bedtime cigarette.
Once I’m done, I quietly walk into the living room to check on her.
Although my mother has a large bedroom,
her hips are so brittle she's claimed the living room as her nighttime retreat.
My stomach churns with guilt as our puppy leaves her side
tail wagging excited to come greet me,
something she never does for my mom.
Alone on the couch,
her desperate attempt for the shared affection our dog gives her children
clearly having failed; I nearly collapse from the guilt.
If only I could force that dog
to give her the one thing she needs, craves and deserves.
Why must the world be so hard for some, and easy for others.
Where people have their lives destroyed,
their lovers killed, their passions crushed
and others sail through it all in bliss.
Why can’t this ******* puppy go back to sleeping at my mother's feet
to show she loves her as much as my brother and I,
instead of following me back up the stairs.


A clumsy dog wouldn't know to avoid that bottom step,
my mother wakes to cold feet.

Walls are melting
your ceilings third eye criss-crosses for eons before my eyes
and somewhere through the Nag Champa haze
I found your pulsating soul calling my name
without words our bodies meld into one another
My soul vibrating with your touch
my dead weight body coming alive with your kiss
our serpent tongues desperate for flesh
our ripened fruit ready for one another to grab a bite
My soul is whole
My flesh is flushed

Friday night apartment visits dressed in bed sheets
with safety pins scraping against bare backs
center stage: the hookah, the piles of *****,
and always you
this is where it all began I think, pointing to a wall, a floor
I pour another drink, the floodgates fail
I can no longer stare and bite my tongue like before
the words spew out one by one

shutup
I love you
I'm going to get that ******* main floor apartment downtown and
it'd be so ******* rad if I woke up to you every morning
and I could write about how we ****** six times before class and
how your eyes were a new shade of green on October 14th and
how I think sometimes you aren't actually real or
how I think you made a huge mistake picking me
another shot

shutup
I love you
I just wish I was a dancer and yes I'm crying about it
because the way you make me feel can't even be put into words
let alone on paper
I just want to writhe around a room for half an hour
and show you how my mind feels on saturday afternoons in your arms
oh why can't my body do the talking for once
another shot

shutup
I love you
Lets just spend the rest of tomorrow in bed, **** what I said
maybe **** me too if you want
I'd be okay with anything really lets sleep, lets stare at a wall
lets talk about our dreams and how I didn't see you coming at all
just give me something good to write about
once I somehow manage to get away from you and back home

shutup
I love you
don't let me go back home

First we are born
Taken into the shelter and warmth
Mud and animals we see
And tender hands we touch

Our insides burst and seep and we scream
But tender hands caress these things
That have sprung out from my body

Now we see this place in whole
The dark is not our haven any more

You're impossible to resists
as you lick your lips
and look down at me, your prey
"it won't take long now"
you say with a laugh held back
hands quick to pounce
and reach for the ripened fruit
ready for your picking

You are the anchor holding a ship down
You are the walls of a house with no exits
You are the roots dug deep in the ground
You are a cage with keys thrown away

But

I am the steering wheel, moving forward
I am the window sill, leaving options
I am the leaves in the wind, moving freely
I am the wings on a bird, breaking free

I am a girl, 6 and a half with no care in the world
Until my bubble is burst and I realize the world is large and cruel.
I'm pushed and teased because my teeth aren't straight and I grew too quickly so I tend to fall on my face and well, I'm just not that great.

I am a girl, 13 and three quarters, filled with worry and self doubt.
The girls are worse now and have pointed out that instead of going up I've gone out.
I'm criticized for my size, then blasted for trying so hard in school, so I return to the safe confides of my home only to be blasted some more thanks to Mark Zuckerberg.

I am a girl, almost 17, fed up with how cruel the world is.
The girls use new tactics to get their revenge now.
I'm ignored,laughed at and mocked behind my back, but shh I'm not supposed to know about that. And when I come home, my comfort is gone for my inbox is filled with hopes for my death, sincerely the anons.

I am a girl, 17 now.
I know it wont end, I've lost hope, and I've decided the only way to solve my problem is to give up on such a cruel  world.

Pointless, yes
but after this
I swear to you
I'll ween you off your mothers breast
and cut the strings that keep you here
and drive until the path we took is no longer there
Once we're lost
We are saved

The one bedroom apartment;
where your drinking habits only scare your cat.

Just sit and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
I’ll whisper back how long I’ve waited just for this
and I’ll crawl into your warm embrace;
It’s been years since I last dreamed of this.

One after one the leaves fall
till nothing's left but bare limbs
where flowers once bloomed
where birds once chirped
where children once climbed
on a tree that once stood so tall and grand
in the middle of a forest full of life

Twitch

Fiddling thumbs
I didn't read that
I didn't hear that

Twitch

it'll be okay right
crank the tunes and stare at a blank sky
no cloud in sight

Twitch

I'll be okay right?
they like me right?
I'm not alone right?

Twitch

it won't be the same
it can't be the same
no no no no no

Twitch

I'm his baby girl
curled up in his arms
kissing his lips,
his cheeks
his neck
down
down
past his chest
anticipating
down
down
past pant lines
see he's up
zipper down
down
till I've got him
wrapped around my tongue
baby girl?
no
I'm your *****
now moan

With demons at my toes
I curl my feet round yours
Deep within our blanket igloo;
I can trace your bones,
From one shoulder to the next
Until reality comes spiralling forward
And every dark corner
Is slowly forgotten.
Each night I bury my worries into your neck
With a soft slow kiss
As you relish in your deep slumber;
The only time I don't mind
Going unnoticed.

I’m safe
Far away from the wolf and its fangs,
Yet still my heart stays by,
Inching closer day by day towards the gnawing teeth
That lie in that womans mouth.
She is blood,
But I have shed that commonality because of her,
And will not shed it again.
Heart, come back,
She is not who you perceive her to be.
What she was died along with him,
What she is now, is darkness,
And that is what she always shall remain.
Memories can fool you,
But the reality can only cause you harm

manic episodes
social phobia
PTSD
generalized anxiety disorder
hyperactive ****** desire disorder
bulimia nervosa
body dysmorphic disorder

Thanks doc for the diagnosis

Somedays I don't see a reason to open my eyes
and force myself to go outside and socialize
with people who don't know me
and people that hate me
and people that really just want to break me

But everyday I wake up and pry those crusty eyes open
to tame my beastly hair and throw on pounds of makeup
to impress people that hate me and people that don't know me
and people that just want to break me
and I force a smile and a laugh as I walk into hell each day
standing upright, ***** pushed out, just to make them happy
but instead I get called a two-faced ***** who dresses like a ****
when all I do is smile and nod and smile some more
just so the day goes by quicker

And the worst part is, you can't leave this ******* hell
I come back to the confides of my home, to the purring of my cats
and the smell of my room and the squeek of my bed
And hell is still with me, it ******* follows me
I try and breath and step away but there it is on my screen
staring back, mocking me
and every night I ******* die a little inside because
no matter what I can't escape hell unless I'm drunk
or in a dreamless state of sleep

My diary bit me last night
It bit my hand then lunged for my throat
So I tore it’s pages to shreds and lit fire
My memories, some not missed, but most will be.

It screamed and cussed as it burst into flames
Thrashed and trashed its outer cover
While still aiming for my throat
I sat back and found another book

As I wrote I promised I’d come back when the flames died
The diary still wearing itself out
Other books said I lie, but my promise I would keep
No matter how scuffed up the cover turned out

Do you ever miss me
I wonder strung out on
whatever it is I've done;
Do you see me in crowds,
in the moshpits at shows
only for her to turn around
and let you down
just a little bit.

She enjoys the confined space
and the long lonely hours
spent inhaling day old hot dog fumes
underneath flickering florescent lights;
With pen in hand and pad nearby
she scrambles to invent new lives
for strange passerby's
as they buy their coffee
and expired chocolate candy bars

All you do is give me your smile
And suddenly I'm weak, I can't speak
and my breathing grows hollow
My spine begins to shake, pupils dialate
as I try to form sentences
but they slip off my tounge
and hit the floor
as you walk away

My heart skipped a beat when those words rolled off your tongue
without provocation or temptation
just my smile and squeals
as you held me down, finger tips like feathers
and quickly turned away as my lungs caved in
to those words
and the hope they bear

I love you honey bunny
he says as if Jules is a seat ahead of us
with a gun pointed straight at his nuts.
Then you have Dylan making your throat red raw
before the words have even slipped off your tongue.
The jump from teenage delinquency to normal relations
was harder than I thought after all.
Olivia's paranoia ensues on to the next golden boy
and Jill's left ****** is the only joy I feel I bring to the table.
Every tacky horoscope site tells me you and I are simpatico
my head on the other hand is knee deep in delusions
of fates paths ruined and fates paths missed on both ends.
I've foolishly given you my all
and I foolishly anticipate the fall.

Somewhere way back when
I took a wrong turn down the wrong track
and now it seems there is no way back;
They tell me I've come so far
they say there's no point in turning 'round
yes somewhere along the way
better things will come
or another path will open
just keep on going
and going
till you find
your better times

but

what happens when they never come

I thought I found it.
I thought I had it in my hands
I thought ;
I thought.
It was never there.
It could never be there.
Out from the belly of her gut
And onto the street,
I am here,
I am here;
And that is all I've ever had.

Bile in the curb,
Word ***** has never done me in worse;

After the lightning and thunder subsides
and the rain has been reduced
to a soft drip
off the rooftops of my suburban stomping grounds.
The only sounds that echo down the streets
are husbands coming home
to their sleeping wives
and the tree's shaking off their fresh coat.
A barren sky is set before me
with no stars in sight to keep me company
as I soul search in the streets
barefoot and longing
for my other half who'd find
this entire scene serene.

I've been fighting
The devilish tongued liars
All night
With the door locked tight
Pitch black in the corner
Back towards the truth tellers
Who refuse to speak louder
Than the hum from a lightbulb
Thats filament has long since shattered;
I know its there
Somewhere
But its dark and my backs still turned
And my ears can only hear what has been said towards my face

I wonder how I fit with you
resemblance exists but that's the extent
I'll give, you'll take, you say and I'll follow through
you'll squeeze and smash whats already bent

and the one who kept me sane is buried in my mind
you use him as your excuse to life
you take away my mind and leave me with lies
I'll steal your excuses and carve them with your knife

I'll be your excuse after tonight

as your screams reach my room I'll dream
sometimes I plan my never wake
I hope you know you've drowned this home in you're twisted stream
and I promise this I wont fake

I've gone through hell to protect you
no thanks just more holes
the kid resembles the worst of you
and this could be the last toll

You'll be my excuse after tonight

Trapped in these horrid walls
Beige lies, broken bones, hidden flaws
Purple and blue beneath these scars
Hell is home, Live amongst the shards

Filled me up, blood to overflow
Time passes, sit and laugh, they never go
Paint it green, Paint it black
Nothing changes, so what is one more hack

According to you I'm not worthy
To breath the air you do
To step amongst the spots you've touched
According to you I'm a shame
Struck and thrown around
Made to take your blame

One more blow, blood spatters
Head on the floor, heart shatters
Can you be right, wrong, not knowing
Leave her there to bleed, hidden, not showing

Fear, Loss, heartache and pain
Emotions mean nothing, not when you're vain
Walk away, to the beige, lights flash
They hold lies, numbness, another lash

According to you I'm not worthy
To breathe the air you do
To step amongst the spots you've touched
According to you I'm a shame
Struck and thrown around
Made to take your blame

I fall to the ground and sip back the poison
Whimpering while the voices scream at me
"You're worthless, you're fat,
you *****, you *******
you're trapped, stuck here with them
you'll never leave your missery,
the years will pass and so will your life
your meaningless life filled with
unaccomplished dreams and failed promises"
I collapse in a pathetic heap
admitting my defeat to them
taking one last sip
as I reach for the gun to shut them up
once and for all

A weekend away
yet, one secular moment
will forever stay

Friday
spent between bent knees
consuming the evening sun,
whiskey,
and burning skin among the bursting bubbles

Saturday
spent behind locked doors
consuming the razor blades,
40s of *****
and the pounding and pleading of them

Sunday
blurred
once in warm arms
then on a cold floor
consuming bottle after bottle
more whiskey
and charcoal

Longing for those that destroy me:

Could be the diagnosis
Or condition i fear to be diagnosed
Could be daddy issues
Or mommy, or both

I strive for days i feel the sun
But those days come few to none
Instead i feel the moons stare
And watch its friends nod me on

In a field of nothing but grass, popped a beautiful daisy
but the grass slowly suffocated the daisy because it didn't belong
so the daisy went to Marcus, the man with illegal ****
and bought itself a nice large shotgun with a thousand rounds
And carried it back to the field, and shot the **** out of the grass
till the field was no longer green but a bright crimson red
... because the grass is a metaphor for people and they bleed red...

Lift up my shirt and see the faded patterns
traced upon my sides
down to my knees they travel;
the faint reminder of the years
when I never smiled out of joy.
Trace the broken pattern of a cut out heart;
I was foolish,
I wanted nothing more than love
and in the end it just left me more cuts to trace in later days.
Everything I’ve regretted is visible,
but only to the ones that end up causing them.

I feel ***** when you call out my name
it's a shame
'cause you make me ***
but you can't make my heart race
and you kiss me hard
but you don't leave me breathless
you can stroke my cheek
but it won't make my hair raise

'cause at the end of the day
when you cry out my name
all I'll say is it's a shame
that I can't love you the same