Close your eyes she says
you're walking down a street you barely recognize
suddenly in the distance you see that old maple tree
your mother used to carve your heights into
and the yellow brick devoured by beautiful ivy
that's now taller than you ever could have imagined.
The bright red door invites you inside,
you're stepping on the floor he laid,
out the corner of your eye you see the fireplace he built from scratch
she beckons you to look past that and go forward
up the winding staircase
first door on your left once you reach the top step.

Inside you expect to find your bedroom at age five
but all I see is an old bed with stuffed animals strewn across it.
I grab one, take a seat on the floor
and wait for him to come bursting through the door
to scoop me up in his big arms and promise me
that he isn't going anywhere again.
I wait.
I wait.
I wait for a moment I know will never come
unless I keep my eyes shut.

I've painted my lips with poison since an early age
Figuring it will prevent heartbreak
Yet when love came around, the tactic backfired
The poison was hooking them one by one
And I laughed as they dropped like flies
I laughed and walked away
Leaving a trail of damage behind
I laughed

Their minds refuse to pace themselves
Their hearts refuse to wait
Their faces split in twos one day
Their souls once pure do taint

Their goals will slip
Their dreams do shake
Their honesty no longer exists
Their lying
Their cheating
Their struggle for power
Their need for attention from anyone

Their morals have changed for the worst
Their pants have turned to mini skirts
Their study dates turn to bush bashes
Their 'never shall I ever's' turn to 'always'

They all turn into the things
They swore they would never be
Once they go through high school

Force a grin and agree as
blood trickles off my teeth
then break my word with cold blades.

Trace the rugged path anxiety leaves
up and down my patterned skin
the ****** monster leaves me warm and wanting more

Hello stranger, masked friend
Come to watch me sleep again?
Walk behind my shadow
falling down onto the pavement, hard
Footsteps crashing down, hard.
Head snapping backwards as you reach and ****** my hair, hard
Crying as you pull me down the street,
knees scraped,
knees bleed,
feet stumble,
hands fumble,
head spinning,
you grinning,
me screaming,
down the street into the dark.

I think I'm in love
with perfection disguised in
lonely broken souls

Thoughts of blood and gunfire bouncing in a skull that has been damaged
To the point of no control, I wonder if I can fix the hurt and salvage
The more I try the more the skull ruptures, and the more hurt pours out
Yet I try to pull away and the skulls owner viciously attacks then strikes a pout

I'll try to explain and calm things down but it refuses for the skulls ways is the only way
And the only way is the wrong way yet the easier way is in the distance of the day
'My friends have betrayed,
The boys are afraid
And I am alone', but really, are you truly alone?

'I thought I could call some people friends
goodbye goodbye
I cant believe you've abandoned me
Goodbye goodbye'

Scream and shout all you want, you've lost the respect of the ones who cared
And the dagger and rose will stab through the hearts of those who shared
Babe take breathers all you want know that I'll continue to fear
For the skull and heart that you've tried to hard to hide and hold dear.

I'll try to explain and calm things down but you refuse for the skulls ways is the only way
And the only way is the wrong way yet the easier way is in the distance of the day
'My friends have betrayed,
The boys are afraid
And I am alone', but really, are you truly alone?

'I thought I could call some people friends
goodbye goodbye
I cant believe you've abandoned me
Goodbye goodbye'

If this is what you want
Then I will give in
I'm sorry the world isn't pleased

The day my father died, my family sat at his bedside
watching a deteriorating man's mind slip from his weak grasp;
Mother, father, sister, brothers, brother in-laws, wife and son
all sat in the cramped hospital room trying to say goodbye
while he hallucinated the photo copier at work wasn't working, due to lack of oxygen to his brain.
His daughter, the only one absent from the room, sat at home alone,
playing video games on the computer he gave me back when I'd never heard of cancer.

The day my father died, my papa left his sons bedside
with his head slowly slumping further past his shoulders as he joined me on the couch.
In my basement, my papa wept. I stared at a wall.
Looking back, I wonder if this was his way of saying goodbye to me
before I'd become someone much different than I should have been.
My mother had never held it together on her own, now alone
My brother'd have to teach himself how to shave, one day
And myself, left to fill shoes that were never supposed to be empty.

The day my father died,
His family died too.

In my hand I hold your heart
the cold rock you left me
after the punches were swung
and the blood was wiped off our skin

In my pocket I carry
the ring you gave me
when you promised me tomorrow
and failed to follow through

Yet in my room the only light that shines
is his, for me, with love
And my dreams are filled with sounds
of wedding bells and baby rattles;

I'm scared that this will end
our smiles fading, skin bleeding,
And you leaving me visible broken promises
that I carry burdened

Setting:
One bedroom apartment, run down
Hasn't been cleaned for months
Leaning back on a three legged couch
Chain smoking at 7PM with the sun setting
Through the black out curtains pinned to the wall
With some edgy alt-pop ******* on shuffle.
Dagger in hand questioning what is real and what is fake.
What makes a person? Their name? Their past, their presence?
Who will I be known as when I pass
Will they mourn the sulking writer who drank and smoked her life away?
Will they lay to rest the prepubescent drama queen and avid book enthusiast?
Or will they bury the dreams of this girl possibly pulling herself together to make something great.

"You look so tired"
I mean I guess
I've been drinking enough caffeine
To fuel a crack head or three
But I'm fine I'm really fine
Minus the breakdowns on the busrides
But I'm fine I'm really fine
I mean my dead dad talks to me now so I guess
Maybe I'm not alright in the head a little
But it's ok right now I swear
It's okay right now I swear

I thought I did finally find it, the place I close my eyes and see
the valley;
filled with the greenest grass that's just the right height
so you can run without scraping your knees
Every day I spent in awe, wandering
exploring those hidden wonders
the creek for example, three miles south
or the collection of fairy rings a little farther down.
It was everything. It was mine.

One day I decided to head to the creek,
stick my feet in and see how deep.
At once I was ****** in,
the water was fast, ice cold,
the bottom was no where to be found
I spiraled out of control until
at last I was spit out.
I thought it would be okay then,
but that was the beginning of the end.

The valley was never the same in my eyes,
the sky was less blue, the grass hurt my knees
I walked aimlessly about, finding nothing new
the valley I thought stretched on forever
just ran in loops.
With nothing left to do, I'd head to the creek
dip my toes in just to see if it would happen again;
Without fail I'd be ****** in,
before I'd drown it'd spit me back out.

Eventually I stopped going back to the valley
I stayed by the creek,
dipping my toes,
getting ****** in
cold, wet, dizzy and close to death
before I'd be spit back out
and repeat;
I loved the valley at one point in time,
but I can't escape the creek.

I only feel complete when I'm in your arms
Or you gaze into my empty eyes.
As I think of ways to please you
I'm brought back to reality by you're lips on my cheek.
You're leaving me breathless,
And I'm sent hurtling
Head over heels in love.

Have fun?
What is fun without you
the ringmaster who leads them all to me
the conductor of my social life
without you, I'd have nothing that stays for me
even my best of friends
are performing what's laid out by their puppeteer
outings and events
invitations only sent because you're going
and what is left when you aren't there?
Simply nothing
And who have I to turn to when you're gone?
Simply no one
And what have I to give to them?
Is there anything I can give to them?

What if tomorrow you wake up and I'm not here anymore
If the person you turned to couldn't turn to you
And became just a memory
Fading faster and faster.
In a few months you can't hear my laugh anymore
In a year my voice is gone
And years after you won't even remember my face.
I'll just be that girl who said see you tomorrow
Even though I knew tomorrow would never come

The daunting task
of promising your love
without wanting to promise
you'll still be around
to give it back;
Take each step with grace
take each fall with pride
I'll follow you
until the end of time

Pointy things stick out yet all I see is plump and rolls.
Lay in bed all day and I keep my mouth shut.
Curtains drawn, eyes sore, hair falling down down.
Just let me turn to dust.

Buried underneath ***** clothes,
Im rotting away like the half eaten food
I somehow managed to get up and make
some weeks ago when the sunshine
didn't scare me half as much as today.
Embarrassed of the state of me,
i clean up nice when friends call and ask
for me to come out and play,
and for the first time in days i go outside
and feel the breeze on my pale and oily skin.
In the strongest attempts at hiding
my easy-read
children's pop up book of expressions
that even the blind can interpret,
I manage to force a smile,
the same one I've practiced in every mirror
for the past 5 years;
A smile so big that even i think its genuine.
Not a single soul sees past this,
not my friends nor mother or brother.
But somehow,
maybe because of the countless hours spent with him,
maybe because my cheeks get tired and i give in,
he knows of my charade,
see's i have no sense of direction but downwards,
and gives me a weak grin;
The one you give a child
when he asks if his goldfish will wake up,
or if daddy will ever get better.
We know its a waiting game
for my imminent implosion,
the ticking time bomb buried within my mind,
set to self destruct at the next pull of a trigger.
Accidental or not,
now or later,
my come down will be our last;
A commitment till the end.

Darling you were my demise, there is no doubt
******* back the lines until my eyes are dead
Powder princess doped up and checked out

My minds grown foggy as I go through a bout
of self prescribed destruction, slicing skin painted red
Darling you were my demise there is no doubt

Forced insomnia upon my black eyes I shout
Wasting away to bones scars, blood and meds
Powder princess doped up and checked out

Trying to dissect my corrupted mind they scout
for some innocent piece I've long since shed
Darling you were my demise, there is no doubt

They try to save me from snow white's route
but It's too late to try, the monsters been fed
Powder princess doped up and checked out

Il est a moi,
Il n'est pas.
Il est ma vie,
Il va surement etre mon deces.
Il me fait sourire tant que je suis pres,
Il me fait sourire tant qu'elle ne l'est pas.
Ma tete c'est quoi ne pas faire,
Mon coeur c'est seulement ce qui pourrait etre.

Lets climb the abandoned rooftops of downtown
We’ll bury our nails in between slate sheets
till we reach the peak and look at the city below us
and the stars above
and decide which way to go from here
which way now

He held me close while the town exploded
and whispered comforting coo's in my ear
We laughed while the cars burst into flames
and danced in the tear gas and beer bottle glass
The war raged on and all we could do
was smile at each other and think
This could only happen once
Only once could we find love in such a horrible place
Only once could we walk away knowing
this was the day that changed everything

The blood trickles up my throat
and back down as I swallow it whole
I wipe it clean and pray you won’t ever find me
I’m not as perfect as you think,
I get a little help from my finger wiped clean,
I’ll burn my throat and **** myself
inside then out.
And I just pray you won’t find out
I pray you won’t find out.

Old soul, your old eyes
those crows feet I used to sit and count
1, 2, 3, how many were there again?
I'm starting to forget;
The laugh, the voice,
the smell of your day old hair.
The desperation in your feet at night.
But that smile, I'll never forget.
The way you smiled at me,
one day, someday
I hope your smile fades like the rest.

Wanderlust yet stuck in our own home town
Dreaming of the day we wake up to crashing waves
next to each other in the back of a pickup
Searching for our souls in the stars
Chasing embers as they fall down like snowflakes
burning our skin at first touch
Feeling the soft dirt between our toes
as we get lost in our backyard
Leaving handprints on foggy windows
after we realize the sun had set hours ago.
Losing ourselves in the smoke, the music and each others skin;
We are the reincarnated flower children
living recklessly in the present
Dreaming endlessly of the past
and not looking forward to the future.

Jumping off a bridge to no where
And you're the one who'll suffer
The ones I love they leave me
Writing an unsent letter

Without your answer
Ill forget you
You need to see I'm alone
Cant you see its true

Patently obvious to all eyes
Except yours
So you just give up
Give in, let go, saying no mores

I don't love him like I love you
You don't see me like I see you
I know she loves you
But do you

However long it takes
Ill tell my heart to wait

I look in the mirror, pleased with my progress
slip a finger down my throat until
I get a pang of fear;
I can't wear sweaters everyday to hide my collarbone,
I can't buy new jeans every week I drop an inch,
and the coverup and blush only do so much
for my sunken cheeks and strained jawline.
What do I do
when I can't hide my secret any longer from you;

I'm looking out your windows one last time,
glancing upon the garden bed where seeds were planted
but the winter froze their roots from digging deeper
into the promisingly rich soil
and all around I see the patches where green grass once grew
when summer brought this house nothing but good news
and as lovers we scorched through the mossy grass
till nothing was left but barren paths

I step from room to room, lackluster compared to what I once knew
I know not to brush my fingers 'cross your walls like before
for with the slightest of gestures your bricks will crumble.
More still, dust covers places I swore would never grow so barren,
and the floor boards wail in pain, unable to bear much more than my weight
you're not as strong as I thought you were at the start.
once able to hold all promises of the future
now slowly falling apart

You don't think about death until
The first classmate from high school dies
Of a ******* stupid cause
Lung infection turned collapsed lung
Turned septic shock turned morgue
Since when do you have to worry about that
At twenty one

Oh nostalgia, sweet reminder of the past and its perfection
How I despise the moments looking back and thinking
Things were wonderful
Yet with knowledge gained and lovers lost and things turned on its back
I can no longer look back with glazed eyes
Only with wondering, wandering eyes searching for the clues
Of his wandering eyes and his questioning looks towards me
Nostalgia no longer defines the feeling I get when I look at pictures
And see that the boy I was with was looking at her
And to see that the boy she was with was looking at me

I take a deep breath in, tasting the cold air on my tongue
feeling it seep down my throat, through my lungs
down to the pit of my gut.
I let it sit, passing deeper within.
I feel the ice go through my skin, pass through vein after vein
reaching every ***** in my body, stopping at the heart.
I give in, exhaling every particle of used up oxygen
finally cleansed of my past.
A breath of fresh air is all it takes
to save me from the thoughts that haunt me.

blood pours down my face
as tears wash them away
I've been sent into the rain
to wait for you

You'll join me in the rain
wipe away the blood with your lips
take away the pain he left instilled
together as it pours

alone side by side
I'll reach through the ****
take out what was his
that he'd tried to put back

take it away take me away
tell me tell me
re-attach the veins stitch up my pains
fix me fix me

Sometime in the countless hours of darkness
an 'I love you' rolled of his tired tongue
scared at first but thankful at least
I kissed each cheek
whispering back I love you more than that
more than the moon, the stars, even air
and kissed his lips gently;
There we stayed for hours,
he sighed, closed eyes
skin on bare skin
finally in tune with the universe.

Crawl to me
Out the window
Past each family
Snug in their beds
In their cookie cutter suburbia;
Keep trudging on
Down dark desolate streets
Towards my open arms

I fell
Into a bottomless pit.
I crawled
And screamed to no prevail.
I threw myself
Into this volcano.
I’ll meet my fate
And burn.

I envy the binge
Swollen pupils
Red nose
The amount of love you give
The ecstasy you receive
I wish for once i could be that
The happiness you crave
The ****** you need
Spending night after night
Entranced
Spending week after week
Longing
For another hit
Of what ive got to give

You've decided that your heart cannot mend
And that your perfect life must come to an end
So you go and tell the world
But child, the tales edges have curled

Go to the basement and lock the door
Scream through the vents, never more
Find the rope and climb the height
This has been the last fight

'You have no guts to follow through', but you better watch
I'll single handedly tie this rope, and I'll be the one to jump
And when you've discovered that I had been truthful
You'll silently apologize to the sound of silence

Hollow are my eyes
on cold October mornings
bare and waiting to collapse
at the slightest of provocations

Hollow grows my heart
in the dead of winters night
withered and longing for life
to be poured into it once again

But no matter how hollow or bare or tattered
whether the sun has risen or the moon has sprung
as long as there's blood left in my veins, I know
he'll always be there to make me feel whole

Do you remember the summer?
the parties, fireworks and sand hills,
the laughing and screaming the crying and cuddling
your big arms squishing, and lifting and dragging me
splash pads and beaches and forts in your basement
and taxi rides home early because we just couldn’t wait;
the nights we remembered and ones left all hazy;
We used to be happy...

He drags me to the ocean and holds me under
watches me as I drown
then drags my lifeless body to the shore
pounds on my chest begging me to breathe
crying for me to open my eyes

Water spews out of my mouth as I gasp for air
I helplessly reach towards him
crying for him
thanking him for saving me
as he drags me back to sea and holds me under

A long time before, when I used to live free, scorch the skies
The time came, and I was alone, broken ties
Can we be more, can we be less, fire flies

Lights dancing beneath me, beneath you, in this sea
Look too deep, eyes of brown, eyes of green
Friends are dear, tell your secrets, telling me

Once you decide to dance in the rain
Be my friend
Can you erase this dreadful pain
Come and tend


I like the feeling of how small the world
and your problems seem
when your looking at the stars swirl
Then look down at me

So what happens now, with you, with me
Do we talk, ignore, flee
Or do we go back, to the dance, open sea

Secret December, one of those, tiny scars
Bleeding hearts, from you and me, ours
The sky, red as can be, memoirs

Once you decide to dance in the rain
Be my friend
Can you erase this dreadful pain
Come and tend


I like the feeling of how small the world
and your problems seem
when your looking at the stars swirl
Then look down at me

I've built my walls out of clay
strong until the hurricane
that rushes through my heart and brain

I'd like to applaud the dickwads who found the need
to stomp on my toes and bring me to my knees
only moments after the emotionally crippled girl
superglued the final pieces of shattered knee cap bones,
Bravo to you former close friends,
for setting off the final fuse of complete self destruction in t minus ten.

Mental snap, Olivia Addams is back

Do you remember the times spent sprawled across your bed
when we never noticed or cared when the sun had set
how you'd trace patterns into my shoulders
and I'd pretend to fall asleep;
anything to memorize how it felt between your sheets.
I miss the fire in your eyes when you craved my flesh
I miss your unforced smile, the scent of cigarette on your breath
it feels like weeks have gone by since I last felt your kiss
I guess it's the life in you, that's what I miss.

When I have no one to turn to
(which is often)
I opt for drugs to numb my soul
and razor blades to halt my tears
but rather all I get is worse
more scars,
more crashes,
more burns

This sickness shall grow
As each stroke hits the canvas
I'll paint the sink red

You have to know
This sets me off
Into a never ending panic
You cutting me off
Short
Sending me away
Like before
No longer worthy
Of your thoughts
Or conversation even
What have I done now
Maybe
I am
Too much
To handle
Too clingy
Too needy
Too ****** in the head
And I've trapped you in the corner
With my constant problems
And need for you around
Me
I am
The cause
Of all
That is wrong

So

D i s t a n t

Is

what

I

Will

Become