Why is it everytime  I try to stay away from you,
it’s like you’re giving me more reasons to stay?
Why is that no matter how I wanted to resist you,
you still has something that makes me vulnerable
to find you Irresistible?

I’ve been fooling myself,
acting like I don’t care anymore.
Like it doesn’t bother me anymore.
When actually, just by seeing your name
drives me crazy.
I still find myself staring at your page
for several hours, still wishing you were here with me.

Why do I tend to get so weak
whenever people would remind me, and
would ask me about you?
Then you told me those simple two words,
LOVE YOU.. then I’m breathless..
INSANE all over you again..

It is this something I have been dreaming
for you to tell me. And now you did it,
you did it which made everything unclear.
everything worse.
I’m not really sure what you meant when you’ve said it.
Though, I know that you only mean it as a friend.
BUT it’s still something that gives me hope,
something that I found there’s still a reason
for me to stay- to keep holding on.
Hold on to something that is 99% impossible.

Tonight, you've once again invaded my mind.
I just can’t stop thinking of you.
I never thought you would say such. And,
tonight SEPTEMBER 07, 2010, 07:00 pm
is the very first time you told me “LOVE YOU”..
Absolutely memorable, however, confusing.

When can I ever have you,
Freedom?
They have deprived me of you
for 23 long years,
and still counting.

I am guarded,
side by side.
One from my very own blood line,
another from my very own
“brand of heroine”.

I feel suffocated,
encapsulated by
my own trust issues.
And now, I am nothing,
but ******.UP.

Wrenched and alone.
Corkscrewed.

Half past the darkness
in solitude, I once lived.
Obscured in a room was freedom,
where hope is nowhere to be found.

A candle without a kindle,
a corner freezing in sorrow,
a heart that was left broken,
excruciatingly, accompanied with pain.

Tomorrow, I have learned to hate.
Another day, I have learned to forget.
Shadow, I became to befriend.
Alone, I became to embrace.

Half past the darkness
another being came for me to live.
Imminent in a room is freedom,
where hope is everywhere to be found.

A candle igniting a kindle,
a corner melting in enthusiasm,
a heart repairing itself,
poignantly, recovering from pain.

Tomorrow, I am beginning to love.
Another day, I am beginning to anticipate.
Shadow, fading obscurely.
Alone, I am no more.

Half past the darkness
God sent this being to me.
The reason may be unknown, but
enlightened today I am,
the vision of hope, and
the name of his, I have come to know.

To see you in pain is the least i want to see..
I know you’re hiding it from me, but baby
I think i know you for too long.

You may pretend in front of them,
but mind you, you can’t in front of me.
I could hear you even you’re so far away.
I could feel you even just by staring at your eyes.

Just the way you look at me with that sorrow you had.
Baby, you’re making me weak.
Like i said, to see you in pain is the least i ever want to see.
Your smile, is mine.. as well as your sorrow is mine too.
To see you happy is my strength, but
to see you in pain is my ultimate weakness.

I wish i could take the pain you feel right now,
but i know i can do nothing about it,
except to pray for you.
But please let me know what i can do
to at least somehow ease it up.
As I’ve told you before..
“I am here.. and I will always be…”

Ilang taon na ang nakalipas
ng huli kong masilayan
ang haplos ng pag-asa.
Ang paghangad na makapiling ka,
na siyang nabaon lamang
sa alikabok ng kahapon.

Halintulad sa isang bangungot,
ang sakit at pait na kanyang dinulot.
Kahit anung pagsusumidhing magising
ang gawin, hindi matanggal-tanggal
ang sakit at bakas ng pag-asang
paulit-ulit na binigo.

Sa mataimtim na panalangin,
sinubukan kong idaan.
Huwag lamang bumitiw
sa pangakong dala ng pag-asa.
Sa bandang huli, subalit
akin ring napagtanto,
mga naturing na panalangin,
para bang mga salita,
na isinambit lamang sa alapaap,
hindi dinidinig ng nasa Itaas.

Kaya't ako'y sumusuko na.
Tama na. Sukdulan na
ang pighati ng aking puso
na umaapaw sa kirot,
na nagdurugo dahil
sa ipinagkait na pag-asa.

Parang isang pilas na papel,
na sinulatan at minarkahan
para lamang lukutin, itapon, at
nagmistulang balewala --
walang isinulat at hindi sinulatan.

Isn’t it strange?
For two people to see
A love that was built
Yet uncertain, as time persist.

Isn’t it amazing?
How two people came to meet
From a distance submitted
Where millions of people existed.

Isn’t it weird?
A heart that was pierced
Still loves somebody so fierce
When agony was solely received.

Isn’t it exciting?
Once love has began
And pain is expected
A story is about to unfold.

Isn’t it sad?
When paths have finally converged
The wind will suddenly blow
Then paths will again diverge.

Isn’t it ironic?**
From strangers to friends,
Turn friends to lovers,
Ending as strangers, once again.

I thwarted,
For I see myself falling.

I thwarted,
Because it doesn’t seem
Like you’ll catch me.

I thwarted,
Knowing I am alone.

I thwarted,
Since I always had, and
Seeming like,
I always will.

How can it be known?
If with abhorrence,
    you are filled with.
How can it be felt?
If being inconsolable,
     was all you ever did.
Whatever's lost is lost,
all that's damaged are damaged.
The cure to oblivion,
    please remember, is
    to cognize -- LOVE.

Just love.
Love her.

Across this province of mine,
amidst that city of yours
I saw you standing,
so far away from me.

To look straight in your eyes,
To behold myself in your arms,
To hear you whisper in my ears,
Oh tonight, these are my desires.

For a moment then, I lost you,
Yet I struggled to retrieve you.
For a moment today, I asked
“Shall I ever lose you again?”

I fear of tomorrow,
anticipating such kind sorrow,
thinking you might leave again
in a sudden, and dreadful way.

However, I shall be prepared
for anytime, things may be impaired.
Until such time I must be practiced
for the art of waving goodbye,
and to never ever look back.

You left, and that was it.
What happened to the beautiful days?
We were still alright when the sun rose,
What happened when the sun sets?
I’ve been grateful for every day with you,
How can I be grateful now that you’re gone?

You were once my peace,
Now I can’t be at peace.
So many questions left unanswered,
Not a single word, not a chance for goodbye.
I opened my eyes, and that was it.
I didn’t know, but I wish I did.

On my Nadir, I am now to be found.
Regrets, tell me, which one?
Where to go? How to continue?
Today, I bleed and grieve,
And I guess, this is just it.

UMAGA (Morning)*

“I won’t talk, I won’t breathe. I won’t move ‘till you finally see that you belong with me..”

Nag-alarm ang cellphone ko,
at oras na ng pag-gising ko.
Oo, tama ka.
Ang paboritong kanta ni Paulo
ang tunog ng alarm ko.

Sa pagdilat ko, nakita ko nanaman
ang Araw na kasisikat pa lamang.
“Paulo” ayan nanaman ang unang salitang
nasabi ko, ang unang bagay at tao
na laman ng isipan ko.
Naisip ko, ako rin kaya ang naiisip niya
bago siya matulog?
Ako rin kaya ang unang nasa isip niya
sa kanyang paggising?

Umaga nanaman, panibagong araw na haharapin.
Bagong pagkakataon, bagong aabangan, at
bagong mga pangyayari.
Ang tanong ay simple lang naman,
Magkikita kaya kami?
Mabibigyan kaya kami ng pagkakataon ngayon?

Ang kahapon ay nakalipas na, sabi nga,
pero magmimistulang kahapon pa rin ba
ang araw ko ngaun?
Naghikab ako, sabay bangon.

Sa pagbangon ko, tumingin akong muli
sa bintana nakita ko na kumpleto
ang kulay na bumubuo sa paligid.
Berde, asul, dilaw, pula, puti, itim, brown,
lahat na ng kulay!
Ang ganda ng mundo ng mga tao,
ang ganda ng umagang sumalubong.
Pero nawala ang ngiti sa mga labi ko, at
kung may nakakita man sa akin
mababakas sa aking mga mata
ang lungkot, pananabik at pangungulila
ng malayo kay Paulo.

Gaano man kaganda ang paligid ko,
hindi pa rin kumpleto ang MUNDO KO
ng wala si Paulo.
Muli, napabuntong hininga ako
kasabay ng pagpigil ko sa aking mga luha
na nag-aadyang sila ay muling papatak.
Ayoko munang umiyak hanggat maaga,
marami pa naman mangyayari.
Mamaya nalang ulit kapag andiyan na ulit si Gabi,
ganoon ulit ang eksena, at ganoon naman lagi.

Binuksan ko ang pintuan ng aking kwarto,
lumabas na ako, at sa pagsara ko ng pinto
nagtanong ako ulit:
“Nasaan si Paulo?”

Of all the days, I’d still chose to be with you.
To be alone by myself, than to be with someone else.
I’d rather stomp through the rain, get wet and ill.
Than to remain dry and to feel nothing else, but dry.

I am lonely, longing, and waiting..
Starving for your warmth,
hungry for your presence.
Yet, I chose this..
To spend every day loving you,
than to regret each day not fighting for you.

What is it in you that makes me so vulnerable?
What is it that you do that I can’t get enough of?
What is it that you’ve said that makes me
catch my breath every time?

Masungit man ako, but still I have a heart,
a heart that beats your name,
a heart filled with love only for you.
I barely say it, I often express it
through pagsusungit because
I cannot find the right words to say.

To tell you HOW MUCH I love you
for no words will ever be enough
to express how I feel.
I don’t know how to tell you
that I fear of each day of having
to be far away from you,
that I dread the idea
of the possibility of losing you
to other women.

And I am afraid of having
to wake up tomorrow
without you loving me, and
me not loving you.
I can’t stand those thoughts,
but I shall admit that
they linger inside of me
because I love you this much
that I am afraid of the many things
that could happen out of this doom
that our relationship is going through.

I hope you understand these things
I’ve been trying to conceal through my childish acts,
sa pagsusungit ko, specifically.
Hindi ko sinasadyang magsungit,
I’m not aware of it sometimes, but
whenever you confront me about it,
that’s the only time I realize
and ask myself why.

I hope I gave you the answer,
I hope this clears us out.
I love you, if I am to be blamed
for loving you, then I shall be guilty.
If I am to be accused
for the crime of loving you, then
I shall face the sentence bestowed for me.

Masakit na nakaraan,
tayo'y kapwa mayroon.
Syang dahilan ng ating takot,
Huwag ng balikan, bagkus
Sa isa't isa halina't kumuha
ng bagong lakas,
ng bagong simula,
at ng bagong pag ibig.

Tila sinadya ng tadhana,
Tayo'y sinaktan at tinuruan muna,
Upang sa araw ng pagtatagpo,
Kapwa tayong nakahanda.
May dahilan ang lahat, ika nga.

Ilang sulok na ba ng mundo,
Ang ating nilakbay?
Ilang tao na ba ang sinubukan
kilalanin at sinugalan?
Gaano karaming luha na ba,
ang pumatak at naubos?
Ilang beses na ba?
At ilang beses pa ba?
Nandito na ako, hindi ba?
Nandito ka na rin,
Nandito na tayo,
Palalagpasin pa ba?

Sa malayuan, mananalangin na lang ba?
Sa malayo, mangangarap na lang ba?
Aasa na lang ba sa malayo?
Magmamahal na lang ba sa malayo?
Hanggang sa malayo na lang ba ang lahat?

Humawak ka lang sa akin,
Pangako, hindi kita bibitawan.
Buksan mo ang iyong mata,
ang ganda ng bagong pagkakataon,
pangako, ipapakita ko sayo.
Maaari ka rin pumikit,
Damahin mo ang aking haplos,
pangako, ikaw lang ang mamahalin
pangako, sa iyo, ako'y tapat.

Huwag ka ng matakot, mahal ko.
Tayo'y magtiwala sa Diyos,
Sapagkat Siya ang may akda,
Ng istorya ng ating pagtatagpo,
Ng kwento ng ating pagmamahalan.
Huwag kang sumuko, mahal ko.
Huwag tayong susuko, mahal kita.

Your eyes dwell
on the frailty of my ****** structure.
Yet, you find it pulchritudinous.
What makes it?
I have no idea, what you see.

I am as reckless as a child,
but it was my sophistication
that you’ve chosen to descry.

Your hands linger on my skin,
caressing every bit of insanity
and fragility, needing leniency.
What are you sensing?
I have no idea, what you perceive.

I am as sober as the night sky
minus the stars,
but you avowed your benevolence
towards my desolation.

Hence, you hefted such joy
inflamed such felicity that was lost.
What are you begetting?
I have an idea,
reciprocation, it is.

♥

For the most part of the day,
the weather's gloomy.
My bed-weather mood,
finally taken its toll.
In these tiny moments
of fragmented daydreaming,
my head and my heart
are clouded
by the very thoughts of you.

Suddenly, I am warm.
Suddenly, I am cozy.
Suddenly, I am at peace.
I behold this love from afar
although unspoken,
to have it in any other way,
I would never want.
Wait, is it love now?
Yes, it’s love now.
Yes, I can finally tell.

It’s not easy, you know
to love someone,
unknowingly. But duh,
love knows no bounds
neither any form of distance,
nor needs anything in return.
And I don’t need reciprocation.
It’s just how I feel,
at least while it lasts.
I’d like to keep it this way.

In this solace,
a bountiful of prayers
somewhere lies.
From my subconscious mind
to connect with yours, somehow.
I’d like to know:
how your day’s doing,
what are you thinking about,
what sort of things
made you happy today.

A prayer to get to know you,
to dive into your soul
and amaze myself
of what it’s like
to be ever present
right there,
in your world.
Because in my world?
Oh darling, you're there,
you always have been.

In a not-so-distant time,
any moment now, perhaps
we could finally have
our universe -
where there exists
two people
namely you and me,
side by side,
hand-in-hand,
as happy as we’ll ever be.
TOGETHER.

A f a s h i o n i s t a –
it’s not who I am
or I was, at least.
Am not the girly-girl
fond of hearts and flowers,
nor of a stiletto and
of a dress.

On groceries, (I wore)
an old pair of tees and shorts.
On malls,
a plain shirt and maong jeans.
On every day,
a pair of flat footwear.
Just those. Period.
Just until –

A pair of Chinito eyes,
on my direction, came across.
I was enchanted. Captivated.
And I was driven insane.
I. Want. Those. To. Keep.
Looking. At. Me.

So I began –
A dress, I wore.
Hearts and flowers, I was
covered with.
Stilettos, ah! They hurts!
but I slipped them on,
anyway.

A dress–
That white heavy laced
ballgown, in my dreams
I began to behold.
As I walk down the aisle
gracefully and proudly, towards
that pair of Chinito eyes.

That dress (The Dress)
that I never got to wear,
in my reality.
Because those two Chinito eyes,
to another direction,
**T h e y. S h i f t e d.

This hollow shell, inside
dwells something intangible,
that may be felt, excruciatingly.
For in this cavity,
there's no one else, nor
nothing else. Only, or
perhaps, this solitary state.
No air to breathe,
no bed of roses to lie upon,
neither a warmth to neutralize
the cold, and empty space
that fills the hollowness.

There's plenty of room to insert to,
and lots of something to be inserted.
May the heavens forbid them,
I won't mind. What matters truly,
at this point in time, is
to have something, or someone.
Than to actually have,
nothing and no one.

This hollow space, is
A battle, alone I had to win.
A longing, alone I had to withstand.

It's raining. Hard. Real Hard. In this train full of people. Some were sleeping, some were standing. While I was sitting on my own with my earphones on. It's raining. And I am thinking of what it takes to be a hero.

What is a hero? Have I ever met a hero of my own?

My idea has always been someone who would die for a country, or someone who would sacrifice for someone else. But does it really require dying and sacrificing? What about those who are still alive and living? Ah! The soldiers, indeed they are.

I know of a different and unique soldier. Whom I met up close on the 3rd of June 2017. He was young and beautiful, a little naive, and so were his dreams. He's a soldier for he's battling with his very own self in search of his own life's purpose, of his own self-worth, and of his own love. I believe that his battle is still on, but what makes him the soldier that he truly is, is by the little yet significant things he does for someone else.

My soldier is such a nice and gentle man. He is hardworking, persevering, and well determined to pursue his passions.  He always think of the safety of others and of how can he be of any help for them. And he would really get out of his way just to help you. Like accompanying somebody to the hospital just because she has a sick grandfather and is carrying a big ecobag full of adult diapers and underpads. Staying with someone inside the van because it's raining and he just can't allow that someone to lurk alone in the dark and to get wet by the rain.

He's the type who would text you all day to know of your whereabouts so he can wait for you to give you a free ride on your way home, everyday. And if he didn't get to ride you home, he'll stay up all night texting you to make sure that you arrived safe and sound, and only then he could sleep.

He will steal glances at you when you're not looking, and smile away if you ever caught him. He will annoy you and tease you until your stomach hurts while laughing and until you lovingly pinch him, and he will lovingly pull your hand for him to hold to make you feel loved. He will wrap his arms around your waist to pull you close so he can embrace you to make you feel like you are some kind of wonderful. And he will look at you as if you are the only person he sees at the moment.

He's the person to go to after a long tiring day to rant about how your egotistic workmate ruined your day, and he will calm you and tell you to just let it pass and think of him instead because he knows he can make you smile by the very thought of him. He's the person you can share your messy thoughts and whirlwind growing up story with, yet he still thinks you are an amazing woman and will never judge you. And he'll be your best friend. He'll even bring you himself to the hospital should you have your sudden asthma attack, and he'll be worried of you whenever you're sick and ill.

He will share his dreams with you, and he will need you to support and encourage him to go get them and to live his life to the fullest. And he will thank you for it and will send you plenty of kiss and monkey emojis and your favorite heart symbol to let you know that he appreciates you and will encourage you to do the same with your life. He will tell you how much he loves to eat chocolate bread alongside his meal and he will invite you for dinner because he wants to eat it with you and because he knows that you are hungry.

He will pout on you if he knew you've had more than 2 cups of coffee in a day and if you ever got yourself wet by the rain. He's jealous if you try to mention some other guy but will try his best to hide how he feels. That's him, he's not much of a talker but you know that his heart and actions speak otherwise.

He could be your partner-in-crime should you have the lazy urge to get a leave from work, or if you want to have some roundtrip joyride just because you don’t want to go home yet. He will tickle you from time to time, and will kiss you if he has the chance to. He will pick you up at 5am, then he'll make love to you all morning as he tells you that you are some **** and beautiful woman, then you'll have lunch together, and finish your extraordinary day watching movie at a cinema in a newly opened mall as you two try to bully that hardworking janitor mopping the floor.

He's a hundred fold stubborn, ironic, silly, childlike, selfish, foolish and impulsive at times. But you will love him even more because of them. And you are lucky enough that you were able to get to see those traits that makes him the imperfect yet the real man that he is. He will never ask you to wait for him, but because you are more stubborn than he is, you will still wait anyway. And he'll teach you what it's like to love somebody unconditionally because he will attempt to leave you and to bid you goodbye for several times, and you still want him, and love him anyway. He will give you the feels that you haven't felt for a long time. He will make you feel alive, more alive than ever before. He'll give you a sanctuary in his arms, and he'll be your peace and you know you don't have to ask for anything and for anyone else. And you will never want to loose him ever.

He will help you appreciate all the good things in life, every great thing there is, and you'll see that everything happens for a reason and that every thing is a blessing. You will experience what Carpe Diem means. He will complete your day in a way that no one else ever has. He will deepen your faith because you will end up staring at him while praying to The Lord, crying, thanking Him for bringing this man to your life and that He may never take him away from you and that He'll grant you a lifetime to spend together with. Because with him, everything just feel so right sooo **** right like all the stars out there and destiny itself are bringing you closer to each other and nothing could separate you apart and that together, nothing seems impossible.

This soldier will do everything to make you happy, and to see that smile on your face. He will never want to see you sad and even more to see you cry. But just like any other soldier, there's always a sacrifice that he had to make; and that is he will break your heart to let go of you and set you free because he thinks that you don't deserve him... Because he doesn't have the courage to tell you that he loves you, and he thinks that that's the way he can prove that he really do loves you.. That he'd rather be your friend, and you'd rather be his friend.

And that's the soldier whom I loved and adored so dearly. Yes, I have found one. He is the hero of my own. And because I love him, I have no other choice but to accept and live every day that I can only be his friend. But being his friend doesn't mean that I would stop loving him. For he just gave me a new beginning. The beginning of loving him from afar. The beginning of resting my faith with fate and of trusting the power of true love.

To love such hero has been one of the best privilege I could ever have my entire life. And I am always so proud of him. And the hardest part of loving my hero is to reciprocate the sacrifice he made for me, to let go..

It's not going to be easy, it will never be. For I will have to face my every day alone with a broken heart, longing for his presence. Because he was the hero who has made my heart whole again, and so he's the one who can tear it up again. But if it will make him happy, then maybe he's better off without me because I will never be enough. How can a hero possibly deserve some woman like me who just happened to love him in such unrequited way. Just some woman who made him her world. Just some woman whose own battle is to fight for his love.

But to me, my life will never be the same again because he will always be, my love, my friend, my soldier, and MY HERO. And I would still choose to be with him on both good and bad times all over again. I would still choose to have my heart broken by him if it's the only way for us to fall in love again. And I would fall in love with him all over and over again all the days of his life with every ounce of love left in me. And I will always love him and wait for the day that he shall finally win his battle that he doesn't have to search anymore, because (hopefully) he knew he had found him, he had found me, and he had found us. And we shall win every battle yet to come, together.

And so you see? A hero doesn't have to die to become one. Sometimes, he just needs to love. You just need to love him irrevocably in order to bring out the best out of the soldier in him.

My chest feels heavy,
my breathing is so tight
that I am almost running out of oxygen
leading me to a hypoxic state.  

I’ve been punching
this pulsing sensation inside.
Cursing it to stop beating,
for all it ever pounds
is the most excruciating pain
I have ever felt my whole life.
Running deeply from my skin,
to every nerve and to every tiny
fiber of my being.

I wanted to scream
from the peak of Mount Thor,
from there I’ll jump
only to submerge myself
in the Mariana Trench
to slough every tear,
repel every hatred, and
to relinquish every throe
that there is inside me.

Where no one would have
to witness me at my weakest,
where nothing would hear me
as inconsolable,
somewhere I know I will not see you.

How could you?
You grabbed my heart,
petted it, then throw it away
and have it smashed
to the ground.

How could I?
Prospered by your sole existence,
and dreaded by
the wrath of tomorrow, by
the pang of longing, and
by the ache of defeat.

Bizarre, that’s what my faith is now.
As for my prayers, they’re perfidious.
I am finally unarmed.
Am no longer the warrior
I once used to be.

Mourning in the shadows of the sun
A scar that was yet to be healed
Bleeding in the propositions of tomorrow
Begging for a medicine of hope.

Standing in the crossroad of despair
Tracing for memories of yesterday
Transforming each into a dream
An imagination of assuming reality.

Captured in the lair of darkness
Tortured by the pain of “without you”
Chained by fragments of promises
Exiled to a crib, full of longing.

Slept beside a melancholic lullaby
Beneath a twilight of photographs,
With or without you, I shall wake
Oh tomorrow, why do I fear?

In broad daylight,
I see the warmth
of the light passing
between our parted ways
guiding my heart
through the path
that leads to you.

Hope, is all that there is
To see myself standing
Right beside you,
Looking back at me
As if I’m the only one you see.

So darling,
walk with me
while the sun rises and sets,
Let its rays cast
the shadow of the years
that we lost,
of the distance
that set us apart.

Watch our story unfold
May you see nothing
but bliss, love, resilience
and magic.
In return you may
finally have a glimpse
of my vision
- of what it’s like
to become you and me.

Now’s exactly 07:33 in the evening of May 03, 2011:

Time is ticking round the clock
hanged on my bedroom wall
just above the upper right corner
of my room’s door.  
As I watched the secondhand
tics-and-tocs over again for several times,
completing a day, I have come to reflect
how did I spend every second of my life
since the day my heart had fallen over him.

I came to think of this question
I am now asking myself while writing,
“Does each second of my time,
of how my life had been
is really worth counting for??”.

I closed my eyes, a tear dropped slowly
one after the other as I clicked every letter
on the keyboard of this very laptop
I am using now.
I hate to admit of how I truly feel
at this moment of my life,
in the middle or perhaps
I am now heading to the END
of these events about him and me,
what hurts even more
is having my confusion or
if it is a mistake that I have said
“him and me” in this statement.

Was there really been “US”?
the “him and me” I used to know,
to believed in, to loved, and to fought for.

A moment of silence.
I looked at my hand, my left hand
which he first held on the first time we met.
I can still feel his warmth,
his touch which happened
to have touched my heart too.
His touch has had me wishing
I could feel it again,
feel HIM again.

Nobody knows of how I exactly feels now,
not any person in this world knows
how much I am hurting and
that I am hurting still.
I always seem to be okay, fine,
happy and cheerful in front of other people’s eyes.
I have been a great pretender,
I have been wearing a mask
to hide myself from the reality
which I never dreamt of happening.

These scars he had left upon me
has not healed yet, I even wonder
would they ever heal on their own.
I believe they will,
I just don’t know how long
will it take them to, or how will they heal.
They are all still open, or worst,
still bleeding.
Bleeding invisibly, and painfully.

I ran out of words to type now,
but I am actually reflecting and
feeling my emotions, at least for now
I tried to become honest with myself
that I don’t have to hide nor
to pretend of my heart’s condition
when it comes to matter of Love,
matter of him and me
that was left unclosed.

I started from where I falter.
Where was your hand?
I shrouded beneath the cloud,
shouting for rescue.

I exiled my own,
lavishing every excruciating memoir,
cascading by my very own desolation
affecting my ravaged heart.

Lies, lies, lies..
Who are you supposed to be?

On this chilly café
    independently, I sat.
To this Toffee Nut
    Frappuccino, I sipped.
With my never ending reverie
    called “self-pity”,
I am consumed.

Paved way for this
    sudden urge to get
    my purple-inked pen, and
    my nasty leather brown notebook,
    from my old blue sling bag.

What to write?
Believe me, I have no idea.
I just feel like to scribble
    this nonsense out from
    my littered thoughts, and
    disarrayed emotions of this
    solitary state called “singlehood”.

For where are those shoulders
     to lean on?
Where are those hands to hold?
Where are those sparkling eyes
    that stares back?
Where are those?
Where are those?

When can I ever
    have someone to share
    this table with?
When can I ever
    hear another heartbeat
    next to mine?
When can I ever read my poetry
    to this “special one”?
When can I?
When can I?

So now, five minutes left
    is all I have.
I’ll be packing my things now,
    stop this senseless scribbling,
    head to the office,
    with coffee on my hand.

This reverie, I must halt.
To rather remind myself:
   “Hey, today’s a brand new day.
     and who knows?
     *Who Knows?”