My value is up in the air again.
“Be confident,” they say.
“Do your best!”
But what is my best?
When all my contributions are turned back,
when my best is thrown away,
I need to reassess.

Perhaps the value I've given
is not valuable.

When I am trapped in a single
uncomplimentary description,
when they smile
and turn away,
am I now worthless?

I may decide I am worth
a kings ransom
and my thoughts and actions
his right hand
but I cannot be confident in
the assessment
unless there is one
willing to buy.

Just when I have hit
The earth's very core..
I'm told there's pain
Afresh, anew, galore..

I wasn't like this always
Colourful, could carry tune
Sunrise, birds, sea waves
All lost, all of them now gone..

He loves us. He is kind.
Really? I wonder, I wonder.
Tell me then, almighty thee
Where is my mind?
Where is my mind?

Countless times I told myself
Never ever fall in love easily

Countless times I told myself
Never ever repeat the mistakes

Countless times I told myself
Stop putting on high hope on someone

Countless times I told myself
Never trust someone easily

Countless times I told myself
Reminding dear self my heart is covered with scars

Countless times  I told myself
To be happy

Countless times I told myself
To put myself first instead of others

Countless times I told myself
To love myself more than others

Countless times I told myself*
Stay away from from relationships

Because relationships
Was the reason to my scars
Of my heart that is now badly damaged

This inferno.
This rage.

I want to light this world up.
I want to watch this world burn.

I'm a walking wildfire.
I'm a walking disaster.

Turn your head, look away.
But each step taken leaves a blaze.

Go on get, there's no saviors here.
Just fire, and end times, sincerest cheers.

Inhale dark embers of a long forgotten flame.
Exhale black death, be free of all desires.

Thinking of and missing you..
Eyes wide shut, I blindly stare.
A spark jolted me awake..
Twas from my cigarette's ember..

How strange is it, how weird it is
You bless me with your company
Only and only when you need me
You know I'm right, ain't talking crazy.

I bring it up cuz it just struck me..
Everytime I asked if you were free
If you had time to spend with me
Times when I needed you, like, really..

Oddly, mysteriously, inexplicably
You were caught up, you were busy..
I'd say okay, only to find you all cuddly
With strangers online, giggly and flirty..

If I were to do the same, abandon thee
You'd question my friendship, my integrity
Am I being possessive? Am I being needy?
Hey, I dunno.. Why don't you enlighten me?

You like to say, I'm crazy, albeit affectionately
That I undertand you more than your family
You'd said I'm your best friend, ***** buddy
Then why aren't you ever there, only for me?

I can't synthesize my feelings,
Hopeless desires,
Of hopeful wonder,
Breed sadness among joy,
Scoundring moments,
Where my dying heart feels elated,
Where time isn't spent,
Wasteful nights decoding,
Melancholy thoughts,
Clouding the paper my fingers write upon,
My mirthless body feels pain,
During moments of bliss.