Pastell dichter

Pastell dichter Jan 2016

A whirlwind of thoughts and all I can say is

**...

#thoughts #whirlwind

Jan 2016

sorry

I'm sorry I can be bossy and somewhat manipulative
I'm sorry I'm so demanding
I'm sorry I can be so negative
I'm sorry I hurt myself
I'm sorry I've hurt you
I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby, making a such a big deal about nothing
I'm sorry I can't just keep my mouth shut
I'm sorry I'm so bad at helping you
I'm sorry I can't put myslef back together
I'm sorry that you're going through what you are
I'm sorry I can't stay clean
I'm sorry everything is confusing
I'm sorry I can't be strong
I'm sorry I cried myslef to sleep last night
I'm sorry I ran out of tears
I'm sorry I'm so numb and empty
I'm sorry I can't pick myself up and continue on
I'm sorry I'm not skinny enough
I'm sorry I can't do anything right
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I gave you any idea that I'm worth your time
I'm sorry I wrote this
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so
so
sorry

I just want to feel something other than fear and numbness

#depression #imsorry #selfharm #sorry #apologies

Jan 2016

Can't Believe It's Not Butter

I'm Just a Hypocrite

I say you need to sleep
When I'm too scared to close my eyes and try

I say you can be strong
When later I fall on the ground, too weak to stand

I tell you everything will be okay
When I can't see past the darkness in my mind to know

I tell you to make sure you're eating three meals a day
When I've skipped 5

I tell you to take care of yourself
When I don't drink water and don't eat and get myself in dangerous situations

I tell you not to give in and to never give up
When I gave in ages ago, and give up on a daily basis

I tell you to keep in mind the fact that you are beautiful and loved
When I constantly feel like I'm just a speck of dirt on your shirt, about to be brushed away

I tell you you don't need to apologize for anything
When I am constantly apologizing to the demons in my mind

I'm just a hypocrite

#depression #selfharm #sorry #hypocrite

Pastell dichter Jan 2016

I'm sorry part 2

I'm sorry I couldn't help you,
I was trying to help myself.

I'm sorry I didn't see the cuts,
I was busy trying to stop the blood,

I'm sorry I didn't love you sooner,
I was trying to love myself.

I'm sorry I can't be there all the time,
I have to try hard to be there to eat dinner.

I'm sorry I didn't push you to eat more,
I was trying to choke down my lunch.

I'm sorry
So so sorry

#cutting #depression #eating #sorry #imsosorry

Pastell dichter Jan 2016

brain

I try to be happy
but you are nothing
I hate my brain
and everyone hates you
I just want it to shut up
you are stupid and worthless
I beg please stop
no I'm just telling you the truth
I just want to be okay
*no

#depression #selfhate #notokay

Pastell dichter Jan 2016

Steam

The steam from my tea rises up into the sky,
Like an angel, small and white
I wish I could rise with it
Up into the grey sky
Never looking back to the cold dark ground

#sad #depression #dark #tea #steam

Pastell dichter Jan 2016

The secret to surviving

If you feel like you can't survive
Simply ask yourself if you can survive the month
And if you can't do that ask yourself if you can survive the week
If you can't do that, the day
Or simply the second
And live in that second in tell the next one starts

#day #surviving #year #second #month #minute