'I don't think you're capable of loving anyone',
he said
hands on steering wheel
twinkling eyes on the road

breath in.
breath out.
suddenly i forgot how to breath
pang on my chest
'but i love you' - i wanted to scream so bad.

but how could i say it
when i had never done that
how could i say it
when i had never learned to say it
how could i say it
when i had never loved anyone
before you
show me
teach me how
please
wait
a little bit
longer
as i
learn
how to love
for
there was
no one
else
before you

i desperately wanted to say so.
yet i let a little pained laugh.
'of course I am', I answered.
'tell me at least one person that you love other than your family'.
i could sense it
your hope dangling
you had been patiently waiting for me to say it out loud
yet still
how to say it?
how
say it, please.
now
please

i feel your disappointment
within those silence.
and i'm sorry.
for i could not say it out loud.
but i loved you.
and i still do.

*yet you're gone before i could even learn to say it.
and now
you left me screaming it to the world out loud alone

It was all so new
Like the shine on shoes
When I was with you

And it was hard to contain
All of the pain
I felt inside my brain

But I did

So when we came
To this new game
I was almost ashamed

And you surprised me
When you didn't flee
And tried to love me

But it wasn't enough

Pain seeped out
And sent confusion about
I felt so lonely in my drought

I shoved it aside
To look out side
Myself and tried

But it wasn't enough

Were you dying
While I was crying
From this drying?

True meanings lead astray
And I'll continue to pray
Each and everyday

But is it enough?

Beneath the dusk skin
lies a noble heart
the alluring smile
with captive warmth

Those hazel eyes
wandering unknown universe
And thick curly hairs
as downstream river course

Lips uncovering your smile
revealing the heaven for a while
Forhead as a rose petal
voice is divine to tell

You are beautiful my girl
A lost priceless pearl
wish you would have known this
wish this mirror could've you convinced

I apologize to my children once again,
I know u probably wondering when the pain will end.
Mommy messed up made wrong decisions and because of me we are apart,
I know u probably tired of me breaking your hearts.
Again i must overcome this obstacle and i will continue to fight,
But thats no excuse for my choices and no matter what I will make it right.
I hope u still love me and accept me for who I am right now today,
Just know that im not giving up on u and Im not far away.
Im to blame for everything me not u my love it is not your fault,
U matter the most u didnt ask to be here u wouldn't understand if you was never taught.
Please understand those selfish days with the sickness im fighting they may come again,
Im trying to find me and love me so i can love u and our struggle will come to a end.
Soon my babies i will get our family out of this messed up situation,
Who says motherhood doesnt come with its trials and tribulations.
As soon as i can get us right the pain in your hearts will no longer live,
I will mend your hearts from that pain even if you're not ready to forgive.
Every second we are apart i miss and love u will never give up that is a fact,
For now its no goodbye's for it is soon we will have our family back!

I put it all in a letter
The reason for the end
You would move on in time
Seemed easier just to send
The coward’s way i know
But that the way it goes
Life is what it is
Forever moving
No time to reminisce
The train was ready to depart
When he heard the news
That broke his heart
A girl had jumped from a top floor apartment
The letter by her side
Such a shame
So young
Far too young to die
The text came through
Where are you
He kept staring at it
Is it you
What’s wrong, did you forget Gina’s engagement
No, i got held up, rushing to you my love
Just you and me
Like it was meant to be.

Remember when we buried a stray
dog under the old church bell
in your backyard?  You said

the dog belonged to the *******
mechanic  south of the school
& his mom set the animal

loose because she was jealous;
it did not make sense
then, it does, today.

She looked so small when she slept.

The bed wasn't big by any means, I could've easily stretched myself across the entirety of it and she would still find a perfect spot to curl up next to me.

Her hair was funny.

I would wake to see traces of brownish blonde hair before anything else. It would tickle my nose as I breathed deeply, taking in her scent and letting it remind me that I'm awake.

So beautiful.

A feeling would go through me as I see her there, snuggled up against me. A warm heat that quickly spreads and turns into a dull ache. Sometimes it would pass. Sometimes I would forget it by pulling her close and breathing. She smelled like shade on a hot summer day.

Sometimes I couldn't handle the feeling, like having her was too much.

I worried about her. I worried about what she would give up, being with me, as well as whether or not she was happy. I worried so much.

When I held her, she felt so small, as if she would be lost by morning if I didn't keep hold through the night. So small, that one day I might lose her, and in a way lose myself.

I wondered if there is any reason for her to wake.

As long as I could, I would be that reason.

Forever.