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Lynette Oct 2018
Poor little seed
Your shell is cracked and exposed
The heart of your beauty
Your beautiful ribbons of DNA
So much potiential
****** into the bitter cold
Unprotected

What would you have become, little seed?
Remains unknown
Lynette May 2018
i wonder if think of me as i think of you

Days and nights pass-

silence.

You are in my thoughts every second of every minute

Looking at the time adding 5 hours

Imagining at that moment what you are doing, who you are with.

What are you seeing? What are you feeling?

Knowing you are not thinking of me.

Shaken i cannot be part of your world.

Wanting to be one with you

But you have always kept me separate.

Churning stomach like the sea you are balancing on and breathing in

How much i yearn to be with you

But fate laughs at my wants

And denies my needs

And i am left hollow and alone in a hostile world that feels like Death.

This was not my intent. My fears and the trauma always take hold

The fear and anxiety i feel inside take away all sense of reason

And i spiral down into the abyss of terror
r
That i am not, have not been enough.

That someone else has your attention

And once again the one thing i wanted  to call just my own

Was really not mine at all but sharing himself with another

Who did not deserve. Who had no right.

Out of touch with the only thing that anchors me in the world

i am adrift in a violent sea of Emotion and pain

While you laugh and your eyes bathe in the beauty that i love so much and want so much to be able to share with you

Cruel.

Even crueler who might be there in the place that should be mine Laughing and soaking it all up with you.

When it should be me.

But i am here. In this dead, hostile place where my days consist of just survive.

Just survive.

One foot in front of the other

towards uncertainty.

How can you be there, enjoying, playing, laughing, feeling love

When you know how much i dream of being there with you.

My stomach tightens, the tears flow down my cheeks, imagining you there doing and seeing all the things that woke me from my sleep and made me feel

Alive.

And not being able to share in that, too.

And wondering if someone else gets to take my place and feel the feelings and see the things with you that should be MINE.

Wondering who gets your attention and affection in all the silence that separate us.

i feel alone and adrift. Drifting towards the abyss once again.

Only you and your love and understanding has the power to heal me.

Of that, i am certain.

What would it take for you to extend your hand and take my vulnerable hand into yours and persevere with me through this difficulty rather than break from me throwing salt on the already stinging wound?

Would you be able to for money? Would you be able to love and hold me through my hell and stay beside me during my fears if i had something other than my heart and soul to give in return?

Because i will pay you. Since my heart and soul are not enough.

What will it take?

i need you. i need you to merge with me and help me through my fears.

i miss your face, i miss your voice. i miss what little share of you i get.

This void is like a death once again.

A black hole.

Belonging to no one, nothing.

i am nothing if I can’t belong to you.

There is nothing i want more than to be loved by you.

i feel like a frantic, immobile child who needs mommy

But mommy isn’t there

And not knowing where mommy is or when she will come back

While i cry and cry and scream for her to come

Wanting her to scoop me up in her safe, warm arms and hold me tightly and soothe my fear of being alone and uncared for and unheard.

In her arms, in her love, I once again exist!

I am heard!

I am safe!

I mean something.

That is how i feel. That is what i need. That is something i have never known in my life

My mother didn’t, couldn’t, give me what i needed to feel safe

And i need it so badly i can taste it in my tears.

i miss you.

i wish i were a part of you.

i wish you needed me like i need you.
Lynette Dec 9
Her eyes tell a story if you look close enough
Her shoulders are rounded from a life that's been tough

Her days carry on with no hope in sight
The same old song repeated each night

The angst of longing for the one that won't love back
Her heart is heavy and her days are black

But yet she keeps on hoping for him to see the light
To learn how to give himself and make everything alright.

She needs him to be with her while the chips are down
He can't seem to understand why she needs him around

She screams for help but no one hears her call
The one she needs the most won't listen at all

No understanding that this sadness she can't help.
There's no way out for her. Her life is a living Hell.
Written September 14, 2016
Lynette Jul 2018
Looking through my warm brown eyes
All I see is Grey
Steely cold and lacking
I sleep the day away

I want to see the lapis sky
The leaves so evergreen
But the lenses that I see through
Wash out the color scheme

My days are grey as are my nights
No indigo, twinkling sky-
My world is ever-montone
My secret wish to die.

No pill will ever cure this
No psychothera-py
I was born with grey colored glasses
This is who I be.
Lynette May 2018
My heavy heart braves the day
Like a sun-ripenened raspberry, bulging and quivering
On the verge of disbursement

What do you call the pain on your chest?
"Loss" is the name I say.
Loss of love, of trust, of happiness, of strength.
Loss of family, of safety, of faith, of me.

So many losses, too many to count--
That bear weight on my chest each day.
And when a compassionate soul comes my way-
The floodgates open
A torrent of repressed tears.
Sweet catharsis; grief unleashed
Lynette May 2018
Mirror, mirror show me me
Show me the things I cannot see
Why does no one really love me?
Without you, I don't know who I should be.

Mirror, mirror
Am I bad, am I good?
Tell me some good things, if you would
I know all the bad, it's plain to see
At least from all the things that you show me.

Mirror, mirror
Are all mirrors like you?
I wonder if another mirror might see something new
A chance for a view that just might be true
Truer than the one my old mirror imbues
Lynette Dec 9
Laughing giggles where did they go?
Frowns are the only thing right now we know
What happened to us? why did we grow
So far apart like warm earth beneath snow

Bring back the light to warm our days
The cold is mean and bleak.

The seasons change too quickly and the days turn into weeks

Let our hearts be light, for in the dark they seize

And make our days so painful that all we see are trees

The trees they are so big and tall and obscure the simple path

The forest awaits with its wisdom
If we can avoid the wrath

The wrath with which we self destroy the path we've already worn

The one made of our history
And of the vows we've sworn.

Let the forest be our goal
Who cares about the trees?
With love and faith and kindness we can navigate with ease

And let us recollect all the times we've had along the way--the good, the bad, the in between they all have something to say

We are better navigators than at times we seem

Get out your map and compass and lead us to our dream
Written August 27, 2016
Lynette Jun 2018
I needed attention
In the noise of distraction

I needed a haven
In the torrent of the storm

I needed water
In the midst of the desert

I needed oxygen
In the depths of outer space

I needed to be seen
But all around me were blind

I needed touch
But no one reached out

I needed guidance
But there was no GPS

I needed truth
Yet was bathed in lies

I needed you
I needed someone
But no one showed up.
Lynette Jun 2018
What are words, but a tool of gold
Unburnished gems to discover and hone
Words to me are windows to the soul
A heart with no words is a fisherman with no pole

My words have feeling, and meaning, and thought
Complete sentences, punctuation, carefully wrought
Edited and curated like I was taught in school, to package my message like a precious jewel.

But the culture at large has no time for my words,
No patience for complex thought
A sentence longer than five words is glossed over and then the message is lost

How do I take all that I see, hear, smell, taste, and feel
And put it into five short words
So that the masses can hear?

I feel a burden at work everyday
When i have to communicate or have something to say

I always thought this was the right way.
Maybe that was just from a time long passed away.

Those who read, write, think and appreciate the beauty of language are a dying breed

And my heart bleeds for our precious Words
Lynette Dec 9
If I could take your pain away
And make your world all right
I'd give you silky kisses
And tuck you in at night

I'd sabotage the hurt inside
So you could feel my love
That pulsates through my veins
And radiates from above

Your wounds would disappear
No longer to be felt
And you would bask in love's lush light
And make my starved heart melt

With every action, word, and deed
You'd blanket me in love
Warm and cozy we would be
Like a pair of woolen gloves

Our world would finally then be one
No more hurt to bear
And from our newfound freedom
This love we then could share
Written August 26, 2016
Lynette Jun 2018
Pop rocks snapping in your mouth
**** taste of lemon on your tongue
Salty sea air inside your lungs
Words make the world come alive

Soft cotton sheets, the expensively woven kind
Twinkling fairy lights dancing in my eyes
A kittens guttural purr calming my mind
Words shape our lives

A magnetic pull towards a lover’s delicious lips
An intoxicating rhythm as we sway our hips
How else to make sense when we lose our grip?
But with words.

The word “word” is so simple and bland
Belying its living, infinite, ever-evolving essence
To bloom our soul in a barren habitat.
Lynette May 2018
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
The minutes pass
You don't call

Buzz, Buzz
The message sounds
You don't text

Whimper, Whimper
The tears fall
You don't care
Lynette Dec 9
He was the sexiest man she had ever laid eyes on
His countenance rugged and bronze
His smile was infectious and his lips perfectly curved
And his body was a five alarm

And his accent--oh his accent!

Well, that did her in. She was smitten and wholly entranced
Bound and determined to have him, and thus began their dance.

He showed that country girl exquisite things that her heart had only dreamed
He wined her and dined her and...(well I will leave that to your imagination what happened next)
But things weren't exactly quite as they seemed.

Little cracks during conversations that seemed rather odd.
Not returning calls, being drunk, angry and cold.

Inconsistent, resistent, not true to his word, he would tell her he would call then go off for days, not to be heard.

She would wait and worry and fret and stew, but he would eventually call again
That thrill of excitement, that wonder of lust, revving up her rusty engine.

This went on for quite some time--the ups and the downs in her soul and her mind. It all seemed quite normal to him as long as she didn't whine or demand his time.

She was in love. He said he was, too. But something didn't seem right when she would occasionally feel blue. Anything not fun and sunny and light would anger him and turn him from Jekyll into Hyde.

She would weep and cry and try to bring him around. But that made him angrier the more she would expound.

His moods tossed and turned like an insomniac. But she still loved him to the moon and back.

She was used to her mother who was similarly made, so placating and pleasing became a routine way. The times, when good, were amazingly great.

He crossed the Atlantic to make her his wife. His first week there was a crash course in strife. Demanding and cursing rather than just trying to fit in, it was going to be his way or the highway, her resilience wearing thin.

The name calling began, the anger more mean
The weeks were spent recovering from the screams.

He called her names she had never been called. She withered and wept and emotions were raw. Nothing was good enough from her to him. She tried to make them a life, but there was too much sinking to swim.

Her friends never knew if they were on or off. Her children just tried to stay aloft.

She would breathe a sigh of relief when he would come down, allowing them to repair the break from this round.

But finally the ups and the downs took their toll, and after leaving twice before he took the plane back home.

Leaving her devastated and emotionally drained, not knowing where they stood, feeling she was to blame.

Two years later and two worlds apart, they are still legally married but of questionable hearts. She still loves him as from that first sight. He on the other hand, doesn't seem to want a wife. He tells her he wishes they had never met--
"*******, *****" rings his voice in her head.

Why can't she let go? No need to walk away or leave. He's 4,000 miles away, and couldn't care less for her needs. She knows this is wrong. She knows he is toxic. But her heart rules her head.
Perhaps she is hypoxic.
Lynette Dec 9
She is in another place
Fading
What does it feel like to be caught in the in-between?
Moving through
To the other side.
Lynette Jun 2018
In the pregnant space between us
After I bared my shadow side
A moment of connection
That could have turned the tide

My emotions raw and unfiltered
You listened but didn’t hear
The message was ignored
Or were you paralyzed by fear?

Your eyes stared cold
While mine blazed hot with tears
The searing pain inside my heart
Charring my soul for years

A tender look into my eyes
Your hand on top of mine
But no—-
The space between us stayed empty
Like touching me was a crime.

Should someone ever choose you
To share their struggle and strife
Reach for them, don’t hesitate
Your touch could save a life.
Lynette Dec 9
There is a sadness in my eyes
That no one knows
Feeling lost and alone
The emptiness grows

All I ever wanted was a love, a love that was true
A love that would shelter me when everything was blue

With hope in my eyes and pain in my heart
I look to you to help me restart
My life

Can you put your anger aside and hold my hand through this dark lonely night
And carry me to a brand new day
Where the sky is blue again and the sun shines the way

You are my rock, my shelter from the storm
Can you give to me and keep me safe and warm

Hold me in your arms and never let me go
Letting nothing come between us
Ever again.
Written September 14, 2016 during the throes of narcissistic abuse

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