"first love"
i guess that would be you
austin.
you wrapped me in your arms and
filled me with every desire
i ever wanted
untill my desires changed
and i no longer wanted
what i used too.
so i pushed you away
until you broke
until we broke.

You fell in love with them
the way they touched you
without using their hands
but in the end we’re all fighting
a world where “I miss you”
doesn’t mean I’m coming back
And “I love you” doesn’t mean
“I’ll stay”.

I could love you more than anything in this world and still seek a universe
Worldly possessions would never shine bright enough
To block out the dark
To outshine the stars
Drawing me to something more

Don't just look at me
Look into me
See within the columns of my being

I'm like a painting
Which you might like or might not
But endeavour to know the story behind this art

Don't be carried away by the outside
Open the doors
The inside is yours to discover

We let the silence speak
And it speaks loudly

As we lay together
tangled between sheets

Chest heaving
You can’t breathe
Pain in your chest pain in your stomach
Pain in your heart.
The roaring in your head won’t stop
You think in that moment that you’re dying, that you’re shattering-
Can’t breathe
Can’t breathe
Can’t-
Breathe
You’re ok.
But the shaking in your hands won’t stop-
You are loved, you are light
You are the trees and the rushing water
The echo of birdsong on a distant wind.



But your heart is tired, the world is too much
The noise
The fear
Everyone talking everyone asking things of you, too much it’s too much it’s too much-
Stop



Breathe
Remember the people
The ones who hold you, the ones who see you, the ones who understand.
You are light
The panic is in your head
Don’t listen to that part of you screaming that you can’t.
Rest.
You will be ok
It will pass
You are light and power
The crackling air before a violent, beautiful storm
You are stars in an infinite galaxy
You are the howl of a hungry wolf into the beckoning darkness.
You are made of love.



Breathe

when i flip through my notebook,
i see your name cluttered in its pages.
its scribbled in the margins,
scrawled in big bold letters,
and sometimes,
i can see where i’ve written half of it
before reality pulled me
out of my own head.
your eyes are drawn
in my sketchbooks,
your words are etched
in my heart.
and then,
there is nothing.
barren pages like dead forests,
filled with invisible words.
invisible words like ***** water,
trickling off of my paper.
the letters in your name
don’t haunt me anymore.
they don’t tangle their fingers
into my hair and pull at my thoughts.
your eyes don’t seem to
watch me,
no matter how long i look.
your words are still
etched into my heart,
like the carvings that cover
old oak trees,
but they no longer mean
the things they did,
my notebooks are filled again,
with all the colors of a sunrise
and all the sounds of an orchestra.
a thousand emotions bleed into
its snow-white pages,
staining them with a color
i’ve never seen before.
they’re filled with endless hours
of a dull pencil dragging
across a new page.
they’re filled with myself,
flipping through its papers,
as the sun creeps into the sky.
my notebooks are filled
with everything now,
but never again will they be filled,
with you.