When you kissed me, I lied.

I let you kiss me because I wanted someone to love me.  
I was selfish, I wanted to soothe my craving for attention, soft and kind love.

It’s because you’re warm and safe, I still do get the urge to trust you with love.
In fact you’re handsome while so insecure.

But I shouldn’t have kissed you, because I knew I didn’t want you but your aroma.
I chewed it and played with it to spare your feelings and to ebb my shame

but believe me, I’m happy to have made your acquaintance on that awful day that appeared on paper as perfect.
On the day when the last one I loved, introduced me to you

When the power grid crashes,
let's dance under the streetlights--
lit up only by the moon
and the tree sprites

I'm the cigarette--
glued to your hand.

I am the soft
flick of your thumb,

dripping ashes on your hand
like snow.

The world will never be as we expect
all I want is to see you alright
but I'm struggling to be ok too.

We don't learn
the real monsters don't hide from you anymore
because they live in your head
want you to end your suffering
but only if you'll do them a favor and wind up dead.

A jet black heart controls me
I am my own strife.
And you've been uninvited,
you're excused from my life.

You're taking breath away
from lungs that don't care
so do what you want with me
as I breathe in the already polluted air.
I laugh
as I'm dying slowly, painfully,
just living through the next few years.

And you're starting to see it in me
noticing why I'm so careless with what God had once given me.

Standing in the shadows,
waiting for you on the dark corner of an abandoned restuarant where I used to feel safe away from home
I'm just the freak girl with hidden hopes, sight losing eyes, and fading green hair that'll forever keep its color, still undyed, even after I'm dead.

Can you hear the tv static too
or is this just for me?
Welling up in my thoughts I feel sick.
Constantly....
I am so very sick,
watching seconds swim by
I can suddenly hear every clock in the world overwhelmingly tick.

Falling away fast from this life
I don't have much time left.
But anymore I don't see why it'd be such a bother.

Switch to something else to get the pain gone and see us continuously press pause on it,
contemplating the antidote
then we revert back to hit Go.
I feel bad to make God suffer
as he'll have to watch me,
rip my life apart.
I'm a monster on my own,
I tear myself up
without needing the devils claws.

so I noticed that we both drink coffee.
just like anyone, we both like ours a certain way.
i like mine sweeter, with just the aftertaste of coffee there.
caramel, sugar, creamer.
i think about when i’ll have my next cup, and the idea of it alone makes me happy.
i don’t care what time of day i have it, i almost always have a cup.
i make time for my coffee.
it might be safe to say i think you like your coffee black.
you might add just the smallest touch to soften its bitter taste, but never too much.
sometimes i think you just pour it and carry on, as though it’s nothing important at all.
as though all it is, is just some quick fix.
like you just want to get it over with.
we drink it in two different ways.
i drink it slowly.
i note every flavor in every sip, i enjoy it.
i note the warmth it brings me.
i like it all hours of the day.
you drink it quickly.
quicker than me, at least.
you don’t care if it burns your tongue, or perhaps you’re used to the pain.
you accept it.
you never let it last, you move on to something else soon after.
i lay in your bed, watching your eyes as they skim the screen in front of you.
your mind is somewhere else.
i savor the moments you look my way, if even for a second, and smile at me.
i wonder if you even notice them.
i feel your laugh vibrate my bones, making the hair on my arms stand on end.
do i make you feel at all?
i reflect on it every time i drink my coffee.
i think about it with each and every sip, taking my time.
something tells me that you don’t do the same.
after all, it's just coffee.
but i put my all into this coffee.
i think you like your coffee black.

I’m not a religious person
I’m not a Christian
I’m not a Muslim
I’m not a Buddhist
I’m not any of these
Or any other

I don’t believe there isn’t a god
I don’t deny God
I don’t deny Allah
I don’t deny Nirvana
I don’t deny any outside force
I just don’t follow their rules

I want to be my own believer