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Sara Buzz Dec 2019
Another night where I cant sleep
Restless I grow
Remembering lost time
Unfulfilled dreams.
Feeling softly bitter at first,
But then I'd start to weep.

So I'll sit in the dark and sing my graveyard song
because the voices of ghosts won't leave me alone

why can't they see I'm trying to be by myself
the wandering spirits haunt me
though they're just trying to help

For they know what it's like to be lonely for a while
And I know it must be terrible to be alone for eternity
though even sicker are the thoughts,
sometimes I wish they'd trade places with me.

so I'll sit in the dark and sing my graveyard song
because the voices of ghosts won't leave me alone

it's a cold and sorrowful night
full of my own bleeding skins harsh delight
God will I give up?
Though despite everything,
all my failures,
my body still fights to survive.

The dead without bodies look on watching,
shaking their heads just waiting,
knowing that I'll join them soon.
Whether by mistake, or maybe someday when I'll reach for the light on purpose and depressedly on my own.

so I'll sit in the dark and sing my graveyard song
because the voices of ghosts won't leave me alone

screaming in my heart making me crazy
the blade tells me Yes but my soul cries out No
still my actions go through by themselves.
Acting as though I am possessed
but those lurking in my room
never did anything wrong to me
and my destruction only makes them stressed.
Strange, how these unwelcome guests who messed up my mind throughout so much time
are not the silent night watchers, but are of the living kind.

so I'll sit in the dark and sing my graveyard song
because the voices of ghosts won't leave me alone
I know if they were still here
They'd pray until I felt at home.

Funny, how I feel guilty
over someone who is not with me
Nor ever was or would be.
because even the quiet ghosts I see wanted nothing but the best,
even decayed ghostly hearts cried out for me, telling me to get my act together behind paper smiles.

Growing numb inside again,
I thought I'd felt less than them.
without real bodies they still supported me.

I felt more love from the inside my own mess and from being emotionally dead
than a putrid and horrible human like you had provided.
How could you have been, how could you be, so relentless, so loveless?

so I'll sit in the dark and sing my graveyard song louder
because the voices of ghosts won't leave me alone
yet dead and buried
I saw their pictures each night
before I closed my eyes
they weren't really there with me,
and my memories of them a large blur,
yet they'd be there in my heart
always more than you ever were.
Sara Buzz Nov 2019
Not sleeping because of nightmares,
but having alcohol for breakfast.
Trying not to cut though needing it so badly,
God how do I still want it?

Not eating, to stay skinny.
I thought I'd left that disorder behind...
forgetting to take my medication.
crying, clutching memories in small moments of spare time.

Sitting in the darkness alone
wondering where my heart is hiding,
God Where has it gone?
and if my mind will ever find peace,
or myself a permanant home.

Bouncing between being genuinely happy
and the warm hugs of bitterness.
The lows of my depression marked by weird highs of feeling emotionless.

Forgetting everything due to the memory loss but always remembering the worst,
all my regrets.
it's like I can never escape the knowledge,
the seduction of the mess.

Like a Siren luring me in
searching for comfort within
but the only thing calling back to me throughout the noise is sin.

Hoping to run from my pain
but honestly I'm steeping,
forever waiting in content
For something to save me that'll never come,
trapped within my own brain it's decieving.
Because self destruction is inescapable, inevitable, Hell bent.
Sara Buzz Nov 2019
Where will we go
will we fall or fly high?
and are you still with me at times I dont try
watching though the heavens
will you bring me to my senses?
I know that I am lost
come God, break through all my defences

force me to remember who you are, who I am
dont allow me to forget from where I came from, or where I am
make me believe that I'll be ok
that you'll be there for me
even when I'm headed off the wrong way
Come God, derail me,
put me down gently to see the right track
I know sometimes we wander,
but you always seem to know how exactly easy it is to find you,
and after time I'll find my way back

I ask you God,
Are you still with me when I'm walking away
fading in the darkness
or losing any faith
can you hear my screaming cries
see the endless nightmares in my mind
the old addictions trying to bind
would you ever still be so kind,
though I remain so silent to you,
because i feel theres nothing left as I begin to unwind,
and when I finally can't bring my heart any reason left to pray
will you still bring me a brighter day?

I know your answer is love
for no reason but just to love
for me to learn that
you alone God, it should always be enough
even when I'm falling,
it should be your name I'm calling
instead of looking away
but us humans have our flaws
we make alot of mistakes
yet you love us anyway
and give a million chances to be saved,
promised with repentance our sins would be waived
you sent your son to die for us,
your only son down to the grave, knowing the future and how we would behave
yet you loved us all anyway

I slipped and failed
relapsed and bailed
but though I refused to remember you
you still brought me that brighter day
which was the last thing I thought youd ever do
but because you loved me anyway
you stood with me when I needed it most
and I'll always be grateful
for the new life you gave me
and the blessings that I could never repay
Sara Buzz Nov 2019
I hear
addiction calling for me,
my name, again and again
but I pushed it far away
along with the people I wanted to stay
because I struggled over and over
but always fell back in
and in a haze i began to lose the days
forgetting the progress I already made.

life starting to fade I'd wake up again
in yet another cold sweat,
nightmares of relapses forever
but with sweet death I have not officially met.
Because God had a plan for me,
I guess He thinks I'm worth it
and so one day He sent his son, who died to settle my debt.
and moving forward He was able to collect and redeem the years I'll always regret.
stealing away from me my pain,
giving me a brand new name,
He was with me throughout everything.
Witnessed all the sorrow and dismissed the disdains.
Sara Buzz Nov 2019
Blood on the bedsheets
razors under my pillow
nightmares crossing my mind
so I cut them up...
but look down and its
on my skin instead
red lines dripping down.

reaching for you but missing completely
red lines I found hidden on myself.
I knew I shouldve read closer.

I was so used to the hurting feeling,
feeling good and wanting more.
Life outside of it never crossed my mind.
the bible always by my side
still unopened.
I should've tried,
Laying there lifeless,
but physically alive.

Singing worship,
I'd remembered the words wrong
Because while discarded everywhere around me,
the knives sang their songs.
Sara Buzz Nov 2019
Cobwebs in my skull
holding memories in place
occasionally giving pain
but mostly a newer saving grace,
I look up and see that God has come with the daylight
From the back of my mind
Saving me from the whereabouts
the cracks he fills with the better thoughts
He came to unbind.
To reduce the emotional emptiness
And destroying my old ways
A former and dangerous love
That only He can replace.
Sara Buzz Nov 2019
Another broken heart
lost within the dark
trying to fight
to erase the scars and marks
searching for a light, believing...
but when its found you feel
as though you're still not healing

so quickly ripped apart
because of the left over pieces,
they are like glass
had to watch my whole life from the mirror of the water I tried to drown in
standing in pause
holding my own heart
as it shattered.

Unfolding what I didn't expect
nothing seemed to be real
but I stopped falling when I heard this
Theres not a mountain God couldn't move, and theres no wound He couldn't heal

Until I remembered the
numbing pain inside me
slowly realizing my own self crumbling
shards and the splinters from fighting the world unwillingly snuck into me.
and I pretended I didnt notice
pretended I didnt care
but it stuck onto me
Scarlett letters for all to see.

I've been through it all
now, I said enough
There's a house on a hill that I'm running from
but that decision was never tough.
I sneak out in the dark and say so long
without ever returning
I mumble a quick goodnight.

Help comes by,
almost instantly,
I've made it through
with no thanks to you
those who lived in
the house which I abandoned

A God given ship
in my dark tossing waves saved me,
God, picked me up
and He warmed me.

And eventually I know you'll see your wrongs
whether in Heaven or hell, inbetween
only God could really tell,

but we humans sure seem to know so far especially where you're going,
after you laughed at Him
mocked, banned and broke His beautiful songs.

Little by little my things changed
over more time plans, goals, life,
I had gained
and here now I feel very safe,
happy, but still struggling,
away far from you
I'm beginning to trust again.

Yet still hesitantly, cautiously
I reach forward to others for
help instead of God
not because I don't want blessing or belief
but because I was born to see
what somehow Id fail to forget,
what my parents gave to me as a gift with no mercy or zero regret,
only every single ounce of burden in me,
is what I'm weighed down by
even though God I sincerely promise I want you to send it in the air and to forever show me so that I may see in you I am free.

Losing all the people in my life might sound like disaster
but I've found nothing aside from
learning, love, hope, order, and newness
from him in the sky,
the almighty pastor,
you can joke around about timing
but all good that looks, sounds, is, is eveything unlike you.

Because it is funny,
that perhaps the one you say isn't real,
though you even think that you have any heart,
I'd like to point out to you,
He who you dont see, or know, or believe exists in any way
God saw my place because of you
and He loved me alot faster.

I'm still broken
but I'll use those rough edges and knives to survive

the house on the hill that I'm no longer hiding from
im finally throwing bad memories into the garbage where they've always belonged
giving away instead of holding on
because honestly I've hoped for way too long.

Thinking things could be better,
rhought my prayers had been prayers wasted,
but thats really not Gods fault.

Now they may be forever late
I'll see any smiles as fake bait.
hugs as a beartrap
kind words as their curse.
no matter how or if they do someday change for the better
I'll keep the unbudging so long
and permanant goodnight to them.

another silent night
filled with forgotten lullabies
a life ahead with endless possibilities
what emotion will it be this time?
you wonder if things could ever be right
but you're too focused on the inabilities
to see anything clearly through that layer of personal grime
you know very well the past can't be changed
focus on just today and tomorrow
stop remembering the pain
and dont throw any part of a future away

Screaming and manipulation
it was in The house on a hill that I  ran from
a quiet story only known to some
im living fully since I've been long gone
many times I dreamed to say
so long
and goodnight to it all

One day,
I found
The house on the hill that does not exist to me anymore
in the back of my mind it does not dwell
no longer hurts me
I'm no longer mourning.

I can finally say
I've successfully escaped
so, so long
and after a great many years being patient
becoming healed and safe
I can peacefully sleep
and refreshed I can wake
it's been so long since
I've had a good morning.

I say so long to that misery
and goodnight to the suffering.
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