once upon a time i thought pain would disappear if i ignored it,
i called emotions dramatic, and numbness strength-
blocking memories chasing fantasies sinking deeper into insanity
insanity became my paradise- i was safe there
from all my regrets, all of my shame, i could forget
at first i felt in control
then i didn’t feel a thing
and my heart started to sing
a song of silence, numbness overtook my life my memory my love all I had inside
everything i wanted i could not find
underwater, on autopilot i couldn’t find the switch
it happened like this:
step one:
i gave my heart away,
he stomped on it,
and him, and him, and him, and him, and him, and him too
step two:
i fell into a pattern
and a few different vicious cycles
a piece here- a piece there, i gave away my soul
my heart and my mind were nothing but tools in all the wrong hands
by this time all i had was worthless to me,
abusing and being abused not one of us cared,
about a thing but ourselves I was constantly scared
what i saw through blank stares occupied most of my mind
using hearts and bodies as a way pass time
i offered distraction to those who gave it to me,
my distraction and my distractions were never enough
step three
i aimed a little higher-
trying to save everyone else though i couldn’t save myself
nothing was enough especially not my help
“the mess tries to clean up everyone else
what a joke, she can’t even help herself! "
searching for hope in a hopeless world
crafting happiness through optimistic words-
holding onto feelings of elation in a fallen creation  
hope, hopeless, hope, hopeless,
a roller coaster of numbed out watered down emotion and reality - cycles of pretending that I was not broken or that i knew a thing
chasing freedom not knowing what to call it
Not knowing He had a name
Chasing truth without being sure there even was one
Never heard of grace for my shame
Step four
I heard it
For the first time
I heard Him
But I still did the same thing
See I got it all in my head,
I knew it jesus saved me from the dead
But all the pain that was in me, I was like "you can't have THAT."
My numbness is what I held on to,
It wasn't until I said father help me give it all to you
step 5
like to a counselor i poured out my heart
all of my pain i fell apart
screaming about how bad it hurt
screaming and crying and shaking my fist
about wounds i thought were long healed,
i didn’t know until i spoke the words to my savior
there was still so much in me i didn’t wanna feel
but the father of all comfort spoke in ways i didn’t know he could
told me he loved me and would never hurt me or lie
that he was with me the entire time
i went from crying to smiling
laughing in joy
that the god of the universe didn’t see me as some toy
that he cared enough to reach down into the depths of my heart
and heal the things that were buried under layers of rock
and it made me question why i ever held anything back
step 6
turning to him instead of running from pain
i’m still learning and crawling my way
towards this love i need to know more about
the one with the fountains of living water poured out for me,
an outstretched arm, an ear waiting to listen
to the things that i don’t want to mention
and i’ve come to know my depression
is nothing more than running in the wrong direction.

You were alone in that garden of gethsemane
You had a Will- you prayed "if there's any other way, let this cup pass from me."
You meant any other way to save humanity
From hell, for those who would accept
You told your disciples, come watch and pray with me
But their eyes were heavy and instead they slept
So you prayed to your father - alone and sweat
Great drops of blood/ blood that was about to be shed
Even for the remission of the sins of those who pierced your hands and feet
For my sins as well. Yet before the cross you said
"My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even into death."
3 times you prayed, for any other way
There was not. So despite your will, you laid your life down, willingly for me- no one forced you
And you said, "nevertheless, not my will but yours be done," to the father above
Even though you didn't HAVE to.
Because God so loved the world he sent his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting LIFE.
what that would take is for you to die,
So you set your face like a flint and went to the cross
Obedient to death, and you counted the cost
So when you ask me to repent, and let go of my sin, is it really too much?
I know like a parent when you hold out your hand, and ask me for what's in mine,
I know it's out of love- for you know all
And if you obeyed for me, I can obey for you, by the power of your Spirit ALONE you make me new
This is why I find my life in your death,
Because to save mine is to lose it to you, and to lose mine is to keep it from you,
Jesus Christ, the son of God.
"And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again."
And you did raise- and as I die to myself and live to you- you'll raise me too.
Life eternal, jesus, with you.

Sometimes I have to scream to you with my eyes closed and my head turned
Away from the reality that I'm lying to myself and I don't want to let it go
Jesus you can have this and that cause they are bad-
But please don't touch this part of my life that I just gotta have
I want you to take it but I love it so bad I don't even want to ask
Would I let it go for you?
Consuming my thoughts - is it a big deal or not
Maybe it's just my own fault
worrying too much and overthinking or maybe that's my delusion not allowing your truth to seep in
"Love the lord your God with all your mind all your heart all your soul"
So I gotta ask myself what's on the throne-
The throne of my heart I kick you out too much
How ridiculous because it's your rightful place
I got to ask you to come back in with a turned face
And a divided heart- I ask with no intention of opening the door to let you in
Cause I can feel that my ears just aren't listening
And my eyes just don't want to see-
Cause sometimes on the throne of my heart I look and I see me.

Oh, why should we die, when You conquered death?
Oh, why should we be mastered by our sin and our flesh,
When you purchased the victory should we settle for less?
For you paid the price to free us,
Let Satan not steal, ****, and destroy
Let the Childen of God not settle or rest
Until all the promises are amen & yes
For the liar proclaims there is no freedom or victory for our case,
But we know Your word says
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man,
But You are faithful and You make the way of escape
Oh our God give us the faith
To receive the victories abundant you give,
You are our freedom
You are our power
You are more than a conqueror over our sin
No addiction, no vice, will stand against your Light
At the cross, they are defeated
At the cross death returns unto life
Did you not purchase our liberty?
Let our eyes see your salvation
Let our hearts feel your vindication
Let no child of God remain in the grip of Satan.

Am I afraid if I make you my poetry
That I might just get too lost in you
Am I afraid of writing the wrong words
Afraid you won’t want to read them
Afraid you don’t want to be my poetry
Our Father says perfect love casts out fear
Because fear involves torment and he who fears is not made perfect in love
For the grace to love you without hesitation
To triumph over the nightmares that reveal my insecurities
To break through the barriers that separate our hearts and our dreams and the things unseen
When forever was a dream, I choose to overlook-
But now that it’s right, and you are forever mine, why would I only focus on the things I can’t find
and not try to find out who you really are
Why would I not dream for you
And laugh with you
And bring out the best
Why would I now not try to be your friend
To some “ I do” is really a death sentence- their relationship drowning in unmet expectations
Bitterness and the list of hurts ever growing and promptly kept,
and the love does not survive the fire, the heights or the depths
May it not be so with us
May we be full of the joy from above
Of the peace that passes understanding
Of the forgiveness that conquers the deepest of pains
Drawn only and freely from Immanuel’s veins
I have a dream for us to be all that He wills
Exceedingly and abundantly above all my small ideals
According to the power at work within us,
When Christ is all, when we are One, for we are His and He has won.

Oh, we played
Between your walls
But never noticed the pain
Behind your smile
You fed us snacks
And our games went on
Deepening your sense
Of how it’s not supposed to be this way
How did it end up so wrong
We saw you as invincible
You wished you could be
But the brokenness
Clawed and scratched it’s way
Even into your dreams
We slept soundly
And laughed away
But you died a little
Each day
The understanding that comes with hindsight...
Yet even more, the deepest sorrow
That comes from knowing, all along,
There was One who could make it all right
The harvest is plentiful,
The laborers are few
Still the truth remains
Eternal life, in Jesus Christ
and He makes all things new.

If the volume is up too loud
How are you going to hear the answers to the questions your soul is asking
How long will you settle for distractions?
If there is no truth why does your soul seek it so-
Come to the arms of Jesus let Him bestow
All the answers you've been looking for
The forgiveness and the freedom from the guilt and regret
That keeps you awake at night
He'll take your sin, of which causes your death, and give you His life and His righteousness
Sinner be saved- let love pave the way
To the God who made you, be reconciled
Through His word He has given. All in the bible
Learn your creators heart and become His child,
Though we are all born separated from his family His love made the way
To bring the dead to life and give them a new name
Taking the barrier that stood in the way- ourselves.
No we aren't all His children,
But God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever BELIEVES in Him should not perish but have ever lasting life.
Not all do, but all can. So come to the Fountain

I just wanted to feel something
Instead of nothing at all
And I stood in the path of destruction
With my arms open wide
Anticipating the time of the fall
To see if I was still alive enough to cry
See the numbness was my fortress
Until it became my cage,
The walls came closer and closer
The cold in my soul kept me awake
Because I couldn't care
I could not love
I needed somewhere to put my trust
It hung in the air and it was suffocating me
It belonged somewhere
I tried to put it in me
But I couldn't fool myself too long
To trust my reflection had to be wrong
Because the broken promises
Rung in my ears
Of all the times I did that thing
I said I'd never go near
They told me look inside and you'll see, And when I looked inside,
I knew the answer couldn't be me
All that i’d find were questions
And my answers were only guesses
So where was the freedom they called the truth?
Because they promised and promised but never came through

And then you showed me, Lord,
That the answer was you.
“You turn man to destruction, And say, “Return, O children of men.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭90:3‬ ‭
And from there you took my hand
And walked with me on a new path‬‬
Never to be alone again.
You delivered me from darkness and the shadow of death,
That shadow being all my regrets -
That would follow me to hell,
And when I spoke from my cage
Let me out Lord Jesus please, only You can- I can't do this on my own,
My heart is broken.
My soul is longing,
You spoke back and at the sound of your voice
You tore the bars down and gave me a choice,
"Come with Me
Away from the grave"
Just as you rose,
I said I believed it
And I followed You
You gave your beloved rest.
Over my sins You were victorious
Rest on my soul, the lord has dealt bountifully with you
My indifference transforms to praise
When I put my trust in the only one who can raise from the grave.
Those who put their trust in YOU are never ashamed.
You have brought my soul to a wide place
The walls fell down
Every question is answered as I gaze into Your face,
Cause your face to shine and we shall be saved
This world binds in chains, Your words bought the freedom, for us you have written, You are the escape.
The promise maker, the promise keeper,
To Him who will always and ONLY be Faithful and True.

Life was so promising
The surprise baby was born
The youngest of three
As time went by- he grew
His personality started to shine through
Born sinners, we all go astray from the womb,
Of course rebellion and sin were already built in.
But God gifted him much,
Oh that he’d surrender these gifts to him!
How different the picture would be than what it’s become
The black droplets of sin have stained this life that could have been-
frustration and anger
Numbness and explosions,
It’s a normal day.
There’s no where to go or run away
From the numbness yet loudness of it all
There is no real rest,
Only manufactured from substances,
The escape of lust
Only leaving more emptiness to try and fill up.
The purpose is gone, did it ever arrive?
Day by day, he just survived
There’s much laughing and fun,
But it’s been forever since the inside has seen the sun
To where will he run?
There’s another picture- another life he could live
In the arms of a Father who never forsook one of His kids,
None who have trusted Him have been put to shame
No never, no matter how much they have left in pursuit of His name.
There’s One with nail pierced hands
Who’s love for this child cost Him so much, His very life
A love so deep it heals the pain
So vast it would consume this child’s life if he only came,
To the Fountain of Life, who is the light of men.
how different his story could be,
After surrendering to this lowly King;
Who left His glory behind to become a man, weak and despised
But He bore our sin- so that we could have the chance to live for Him.
He is not forceful or demanding, He calls, He knocks
But He’ll never kick down the doors to a closed-off heart
oh the beauty of Him! Worth immeasurably more than all the pleasures this  world could give-
The satisfaction and rest He brings from within-
There is no peace apart from Him.

What could this life be like in the hands of my God? Healing, freedom, I hear the songs he could sing!
This peace I drink of, this mercy freely given,
This blood that cleanses the blackest of sin
That he’d receive it! That he’d be set free.
I too once was blind but now I see.
For now. I do not know what will be.

Let me hear the song you've given me to sing
My mind forgets the pit in which I used to live
When all my songs were empty and minor toned
And in a room full of people I was still alone
Remember my soul, the torment at night
When the current of distractions flicked off with the light
And the flood of questions and gnawing regret tore me up inside
With a hunger for answers that I could not find
Remember my soul, stroll down memory lane
And recall how life used to only be
An effort to learn how to live with the pain
And numbness came and became a new monster
The silence screamed louder than the noise
And in the darkness I could not find a point.
Remember my soul, how could I forget the cage?
The prison cell the door never budged at all
I never felt home shackled between those four walls
Hopeless defeated from running against them in effort to escape
Recall my soul-
That's when I answered the call
It must have been in the background I'm sure-
Oh soul how long did you ignore
The sound I was making must have been too loud,
As I was punching the walls He knocked on the door
persistent He was
I guess I was too caught up in my own efforts to see
He didn't want to come in,
He was holding the key
He was there to rescue me
It wasn't until I stopped trying to save myself,
That I even saw he was there to help
A song to sing
Now I have too many to count
And my new minor songs sing of His suffering for me
Now know my soul,
In an empty room He is holding you
Embrace it my soul,
The sweet sleep at night
He is the truth, and He’s  set you free
It's not numbness His comfort brings
But in my pain I recall he died for me
Remember my soul, you no longer live in a cage
You are free to worship the one, the Author of your faith
And all my devotion He does deserve
Jesus Christ the savior of the whole earth.

Praise to Him
For delivering me from what was
And all that could have been
His word & wisdom keep us safe
How wonderful and beautiful are all of His ways