Praise to Him
For delivering me from what was
And all that could have been
His word & wisdom keep us safe
How wonderful and beautiful are all of His ways

Oh, we played
Between your walls
But never noticed the pain
Behind your smile
You fed us snacks
And our games went on
Deepening your sense
Of how it’s not supposed to be this way
How did it end up so wrong
We saw you as invincible
You wished you could be
But the brokenness
Clawed and scratched it’s way
Even into your dreams
We slept soundly
And laughed away
But you died a little
Each day
The understanding that comes with hindsight...
Yet even more, the deepest sorrow
That comes from knowing, all along,
There was One who could make it all right
The harvest is plentiful,
The laborers are few
Still the truth remains
Eternal life, in Jesus Christ
and He makes all things new.

Am I afraid if I make you my poetry
That I might just get too lost in you
Am I afraid of writing the wrong words
Afraid you won’t want to read them
Afraid you don’t want to be my poetry
Our Father says perfect love casts out fear
Because fear involves torment and he who fears is not made perfect in love
For the grace to love you without hesitation
To triumph over the nightmares that reveal my insecurities
To break through the barriers that separate our hearts and our dreams and the things unseen
When forever was a dream, I choose to overlook-
But now that it’s right, and you are forever mine, why would I only focus on the things I can’t find
and not try to find out who you really are
Why would I not dream for you
And laugh with you
And bring out the best
Why would I now not try to be your friend
To some “ I do” is really a death sentence- their relationship drowning in unmet expectations
Bitterness and the list of hurts ever growing and promptly kept,
and the love does not survive the fire, the heights or the depths
May it not be so with us
May we be full of the joy from above
Of the peace that passes understanding
Of the forgiveness that conquers the deepest of pains
Drawn only and freely from Immanuel’s veins
I have a dream for us to be all that He wills
Exceedingly and abundantly above all my small ideals
According to the power at work within us,
When Christ is all, when we are One, for we are His and He has won.

Oh, why should we die, when You conquered death?
Oh, why should we be mastered by our sin and our flesh,
When you purchased the victory should we settle for less?
For you paid the price to free us,
Let Satan not steal, ****, and destroy
Let the Childen of God not settle or rest
Until all the promises are amen & yes
For the liar proclaims there is no freedom or victory for our case,
But we know Your word says
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man,
But You are faithful and You make the way of escape
Oh our God give us the faith
To receive the victories abundant you give,
You are our freedom
You are our power
You are more than a conqueror over our sin
No addiction, no vice, will stand against your Light
At the cross, they are defeated
At the cross death returns unto life
Did you not purchase our liberty?
Let our eyes see your salvation
Let our hearts feel your vindication
Let no child of God remain in the grip of Satan.

You were alone in that garden of gethsemane
You had a Will- you prayed "if there's any other way, let this cup pass from me."
You meant any other way to save humanity
From hell, for those who would accept
You told your disciples, come watch and pray with me
But their eyes were heavy and instead they slept
So you prayed to your father - alone and sweat
Great drops of blood/ blood that was about to be shed
Even for the remission of the sins of those who pierced your hands and feet
For my sins as well. Yet before the cross you said
"My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even into death."
3 times you prayed, for any other way
There was not. So despite your will, you laid your life down, willingly for me- no one forced you
And you said, "nevertheless, not my will but yours be done," to the father above
Even though you didn't HAVE to.
Because God so loved the world he sent his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting LIFE.
what that would take is for you to die,
So you set your face like a flint and went to the cross
Obedient to death, and you counted the cost
So when you ask me to repent, and let go of my sin, is it really too much?
I know like a parent when you hold out your hand, and ask me for what's in mine,
I know it's out of love- for you know all
And if you obeyed for me, I can obey for you, by the power of your Spirit ALONE you make me new
This is why I find my life in your death,
Because to save mine is to lose it to you, and to lose mine is to keep it from you,
Jesus Christ, the son of God.
"And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again."
And you did raise- and as I die to myself and live to you- you'll raise me too.
Life eternal, jesus, with you.

Sometimes I have to scream to you with my eyes closed and my head turned
Away from the reality that I'm lying to myself and I don't want to let it go
Jesus you can have this and that cause they are bad-
But please don't touch this part of my life that I just gotta have
I want you to take it but I love it so bad I don't even want to ask
Would I let it go for you?
Consuming my thoughts - is it a big deal or not
Maybe it's just my own fault
worrying too much and overthinking or maybe that's my delusion not allowing your truth to seep in
"Love the lord your God with all your mind all your heart all your soul"
So I gotta ask myself what's on the throne-
The throne of my heart I kick you out too much
How ridiculous because it's your rightful place
I got to ask you to come back in with a turned face
And a divided heart- I ask with no intention of opening the door to let you in
Cause I can feel that my ears just aren't listening
And my eyes just don't want to see-
Cause sometimes on the throne of my heart I look and I see me.

once upon a time i thought pain would disappear if i ignored it,
i called emotions dramatic, and numbness strength-
blocking memories chasing fantasies sinking deeper into insanity
insanity became my paradise- i was safe there
from all my regrets, all of my shame, i could forget
at first i felt in control
then i didn’t feel a thing
and my heart started to sing
a song of silence, numbness overtook my life my memory my love all I had inside
everything i wanted i could not find
underwater, on autopilot i couldn’t find the switch
it happened like this:
step one:
i gave my heart away,
he stomped on it,
and him, and him, and him, and him, and him, and him too
step two:
i fell into a pattern
and a few different vicious cycles
a piece here- a piece there, i gave away my soul
my heart and my mind were nothing but tools in all the wrong hands
by this time all i had was worthless to me,
abusing and being abused not one of us cared,
about a thing but ourselves I was constantly scared
what i saw through blank stares occupied most of my mind
using hearts and bodies as a way pass time
i offered distraction to those who gave it to me,
my distraction and my distractions were never enough
step three
i aimed a little higher-
trying to save everyone else though i couldn’t save myself
nothing was enough especially not my help
“the mess tries to clean up everyone else
what a joke, she can’t even help herself! "
searching for hope in a hopeless world
crafting happiness through optimistic words-
holding onto feelings of elation in a fallen creation  
hope, hopeless, hope, hopeless,
a roller coaster of numbed out watered down emotion and reality - cycles of pretending that I was not broken or that i knew a thing
chasing freedom not knowing what to call it
Not knowing He had a name
Chasing truth without being sure there even was one
Never heard of grace for my shame
Step four
I heard it
For the first time
I heard Him
But I still did the same thing
See I got it all in my head,
I knew it jesus saved me from the dead
But all the pain that was in me, I was like "you can't have THAT."
My numbness is what I held on to,
It wasn't until I said father help me give it all to you
step 5
like to a counselor i poured out my heart
all of my pain i fell apart
screaming about how bad it hurt
screaming and crying and shaking my fist
about wounds i thought were long healed,
i didn’t know until i spoke the words to my savior
there was still so much in me i didn’t wanna feel
but the father of all comfort spoke in ways i didn’t know he could
told me he loved me and would never hurt me or lie
that he was with me the entire time
i went from crying to smiling
laughing in joy
that the god of the universe didn’t see me as some toy
that he cared enough to reach down into the depths of my heart
and heal the things that were buried under layers of rock
and it made me question why i ever held anything back
step 6
turning to him instead of running from pain
i’m still learning and crawling my way
towards this love i need to know more about
the one with the fountains of living water poured out for me,
an outstretched arm, an ear waiting to listen
to the things that i don’t want to mention
and i’ve come to know my depression
is nothing more than running in the wrong direction.