I always rehearse the things I would say to him in the case of a chance encounter. I run through different scenarios and perfect my wording, my syntax, my inflection, my ****** expressions, my tone of voice, my eyes, my breaths, until the skit resembled a fraction of the impact I could dream of in my head. Over a year later, and I’m still doing this. I know this is what we as humans do. I know it’s okay. And yet, I can’t help but wonder to myself; what am I trying to prove?
And then I realize- he resembles my insecurities about myself. I’m trying to prove something to him because I’m trying to prove something to me. And perhaps this is more terrifying to admit, because it means it’s not entirely about him. It’s about me accepting- embracing- who I am, flaws and all.

Summer
made it easier to cope
it was warm
the sun was out- so we were until we’d collapse like tired children after a long day of playing
it was the best time for distractions

But in the Fall
i fall
ill from the hauntingly beautiful memories of Fall’s past
when we first fell
in love
as the leaves grew gold
our relationship grew strong
as the air turned cold
in our apartments we’d belong
unable to spend a second apart
my eyes locked with yours
from morning ’til dark

Now, look where we are
each of our memories forcedly releases
Oh my darling,
how in the hell did we fall to pieces

He has always inspired me to write,
and I thank him for that
Never has anyone caused me to feel
such intense emotions
that all there's left to do with them
is turn them into art

Sometimes I ponder
how beautiful it would be
if when I'm thinking of you
you're thinking of me
Although we're apart
we're still with one another
forever and always
over my heart you will hover

The painful irony
of when the words you want to hear
are spoken from the wrong mouth
'You are worth waiting for'
What makes me worth it to you
and not to him?
Why is it, that the one who offers me the world,
is the one I don't want
and the one whom I offer the world to
doesn't want it
What kind of disturbingly ironic world am I living in?

It's kinda cool how when life is normal
rainy days make me lethargic and unmotivated.
But when life is hard and I'm struggling
rainy days are the greatest comfort,
as if the earth is crying with me
saying that I'm allowed to feel it all

Sometimes I wonder if you ever really knew
How much I appreciate the truest form of you.

I think I've come to realize
that not everyone has the same definition of Love
and in my eyes
a beautiful Love
is all-consuming
without consuming you
is the first thing you think of when you wake
and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep
is home
no matter where you are
gives you everything you want and need
but you've never been so selfless
is what you thank whatever force it was that brought you together, everyday, for
makes you believe in the universe
is the reward for everything bad you've been through in life
makes the sad days happy
and the stormy days sunny
is complex and has it's challenges
but your love makes it simple
all I want
is someone who has the same definition of Love as me

I truly don't want
to someday look back
and realize that my present
which will then be my past
was spent with my mind in the future
waiting for you
when all I really need
is Me, not you