"A comfort zone
is a beautiful place,
but nothing ever grows there..."

I miss you
in the breath
of broken promises
in involuntary verses
of the prose I cannot write

I miss you
in a senseless beat of irony
and the nights that close my eyes
with the truth that strikes the wall
in the calm and the collapse
in the storm that will not pass

I miss you
in a corner of the mind
too often occupied
with involuntary rhymes
and –in all that I cannot write

in a week you'll be a thousand miles away.
and i'll never see you again.
i'll never see you again.
each world heavy
dripping in permanency
and it settles in
and weighs me down
never again
never again
never again
how could that be?
when did always become never
and and i love you became lets be friends
never again
never again
never again
as i sit here alone
anticipating the never
i want to have you while i can still say yes
but in the morning you'll have to leave
and i refuse to be hurt
one more time
never again
never again
never again.

1521

The Butterfly upon the Sky,
That doesn’t know its Name
And hasn’t any tax to pay
And hasn’t any Home
Is just as high as you and I,
And higher, I believe,
So soar away and never sigh
And that’s the way to grieve—

I am not afraid of the depression anymore
I am a warrior
This is my body protesting the trauma and the injustice
I was born to stand up
For all the worlds mothers and daughters, sisters, aunties, fathers, cousins
My body is just trying to say listen to me now please
This pain cant be processed if you keep your eyes and mouth shut
Just listen in to the inner child
Nobody did
So you must
Only then can you help the others

No this is not true! I have to help them
Mine was nothing compared to others
Clouds rapidly gather
The thoughts become over whelming
I feel like vomiting and hear my stomach rumble
I am overwhelmed
Did it really happen to me?
Its not true!
Its not true!
So I numb body this morning as usual
With another spliff

In silence we mourn for now
Its just how it goes
Everyone that knows wonder how I can be functional
They say I am a survivor, an inspiration
Huh?
Truth is the real pain has begun only 10 years after
And I haven't been to work  much these days
I am a survivor but I am not functioning, I never did
Like i used to write back then in my diary
I was on autopilot
Destination - self destruction

Its not easy and I am just at the beginning of the end of this chapter

But I am no longer afraid of the depression

I step in the morning with horizon-fixed eyes
Underneath the December rain
I'm feeling good and no one knew I would
Because they only focus on pain

They frown and drown under the weight of it all
Yet they don't understand
I'm fine, just fine, and if I'm not, I'll call
Life is but a grain of sand

Somedays are perfect but no week can be
Even moments have ups-and-downs
Some let small grow big and tall, but me?
Only death will bring me frowns