a speck of cosmic dust
or a tiny dot
in the blackened emptiness
full of mystical voids

life has flourished here
even in the savagery and butchery
of flesh,minds and even souls
all in the lands floating in blue

yet we are not terrified
or stupefied of our existence
neither grateful nor pity
for this spectacle

or maybe the light
is at the end of the tunnel
and me walking in opposite
or worse running blind.

I don't know.
Maybe I should

just tell him.

I don't know.
Maybe I should

just end it all.

Right now.

I mean,

that's what lardas-ses do,

right?

The one with trust issues,

not to mention the only

thing im good at is

making boys moan with this mouth.

I don't know.
Do you?

It took time to rewrite my past
in a way that looked pretty on a page
but everything-
just eventually
turned
   uncomfortable.

It feels
like i'm always
wearing wet clothes,
sulking because I tried to drown
these memories I didn't want at the surface.

But I needed air-
so they came to catch it with me.
They demanded a home inside of my world
  and so they put me under.

Now I'm clawing my way to oxygen
but this doesn't feel like
  just water anymore
  more sheet metal than surface.

Every move made
by anyone-
  myself included
feels like a weight.  

I keep fighting my way
to sanity and
I keep fighting
  to remove this memory.

but it says with me
and it screams
every time you touch me.

How will I ever be okay
with comfort?

How do I cope
with something
so adamant about
keeping me under.

These dark images
invade the back of my head.

It's not my fault
someone
  took away my childhood.

So why am I the one-
drowning?

Run, run,
r  u  n.
Fast enough to
fill you up with doubt.
How would you prefer it done?
I'm not a fan of guns,
they scare me.
Sharp and rigid edges?
But they aren't really
a friend of mine.
I could down a handful
of pills.
You already know how
I'm good at swallowing
things.
Look at that,
turning death into a
****** innuendo.
Maybe to help you
if you still cared,
you know,
past that plastic exterior.
Maybe to help me,
life is truly down since
the one you want
doesn't even
know
you exist.
Or maybe just doesn't
care.
Or maybe,
just maybe,
it's a joke.
All of this is a joke.
You, me, the world.
Life.

i wanted to capture that moment in time
like a black and white moving polaroid,
complete with sounds
and smells
and feelings.
i wanted to hang it
on my bedroom wall
and revisit it whenever
i felt lonely
or sad.
i wanted to reach through
the photo paper
and jump back in
and relive the moment
where i was most happy.
but i can't do that.
you are gone.
you have been gone
for so long now
and nothing can take away
the longing in my heart.
you are gone.

Brokenness is a pattern
Pull the **** trigger again
See you next week

Is what I feel on my tongue
Every time I attempt
To utter a phrase
In a futile direction
My rationality
Cannot cope with pointlessness
But  like an unstoppable
Energizer bunny
I go ahead despite it all
Smileless