sometimes i wake up with the stars i mapped out
caught in my eyes,
other days its a silent panic-
how many times have i had to fear my friends?

sometimes, like you, i hate the pet-names;
the way they crawl under my skin
as an excuse to not butcher mine.
but i would melt like wax wings to be your ‘baby’
just once, won’t you let it slip off your lips?

like honey?
like amber i'm begging to be trapped in?

how long has it been since my soft skin has been touched?
how long has it been since i last felt compassion
in the form of exploring hands
and gentle whispers?

so beautiful, so soft, so willing to listen to me as i

fall
like putty
into your hands.
into a love,
no longer mine-
oh, what would i give to be a lover?

lips full, never kissed
eyes open, never seen
ready to listen, but no words are spoken
no sweet nothings, but arms wide open.

what would it mean
to be held,
as the sun began
to rise again?

if i’m doomed not to sleep,
might i do it
with your name in mind?

if i’m cursed to stay awake,
talk to me until
the sun is in our eyes?

i would melt like wax wings.

would you have me then?
would you take my hand,
with the sweat on my brow?

would you have me now,
so bruised and tired?
with dark circles to balance
my rose-tinted outlook?
won't you hold my weary hand?
don’t be shy.

don’t pretend;
we both know i’m caught between daydreams.
aren’t you nothing but a hallucination?
i’m certain i’ve made you
up in my mind.
don’t be shy… don’t be shy.

is my mood ring broken?
or did i forget what it felt like
to know you?

i often wonder if i've numbed to it all,
but maybe my heater just stopped working.

all the same, i've forgotten the sound
of my name on your lips,
the air passing through, like a parting kiss.

so why let it be spoken at all?

is my mood ring broken?

all i'm feeling is small.

the sun has vanished
and the world has run cold.

and i can't

remember a time i've run to you
for warmth, intimate or otherwise.

but in the darkness?
you're all there is.
or rather,
you're all i'd like to see.

so i sprint to the monitor,
blue ribbon in hand—
hoping for a moment,
you sense the urgency in my

[hello! :)]

and the ice is creeping up my spine
as i wait
for three dots that promise a reply

you shoot back

[oh hi.]

and the milk that once
enriched my bones
curdles
and i fall to dust;
nervous.

you hold a power that frightens me
your warmth, your chill, like heights

(i like the view, but cannot breathe.)

and would you, as well, compare the light
to an embrace?
the switch of grey to red to green,
like the caress of the abyss?

i want to be known by you.

(but cannot bare to be perceived.)

message those who deserve a good bye.
like i'm leaving oz tomorrow;
like i can live in my dreams
of february.

i want to be known by you,

but as messages pile up
i'm buried.

80, 190, 270.
texts, sexts, mirrors, enemies.
(wishes to be seen.)

one more message then back to
the problem at hand, so
shuffle the deck until you know
whats wrong with me.

i can't keep pretending my
notifications are off when i'm
waiting for your reply,
( & i'm flooded by noise. )

but i, among the hurricane
in the eye of the storm

ask to be known by you.

if i don't reach out
will you?

I can't be the panacea you've
made me out to be.
I can't be the antidote for
what ails you, but I've tried.

I've tried so hard to heal
what I never hurt,
and it wasn't enough.

Where you see my name, I see the words:
"Down The Rabbit Hole."
( I ache for you, but hate your guts. )

I don't know how
you still have a hold,
but I never learned
how to let
go.

Wrote of red strings?
I was bound by you,
but you never showed me the truth.
*** smoke and mirrors,
that's all you gave
to me.

That,
and a selection of songs I
listened to
until they felt like my own.

And it was all fun and games
until you kissed me
to every song
I ever loved.

( How could you do something so evil? )

I can't get the taste out of my mouth,

I can't un-see the oranges you left to mold
On the kitchen sink.
Just like me,
Still waiting to be held or thrown away.

Just like me, growing green with envy
for who is seen for more than just
her packaging.

"What's the cute way to do it?"

Your impersonations hurt like Hell.
So cute. So beautiful. So glad I'm here.
So glad to see me stay a few hours more,
But you never heard me sing.

( Unless it was a song you'd play. )

Never a word meant for your ears alone.

You always thought
my poetry was about you,
so I'll gift you with this.
Bottled up pain;
The feeling of knowing the meaning too late.

I hope you're satisfied—

I only wanted you to understand.

But you've only ever ran.

My white rabbit; my Peter Pan.

When I needed you, you never came.
But I sense you, coming back.

And the dawn is bleak as you take your time,
flowers bleed heaven and your love is mine.
The Gods turn their backs, they're unappetized.
But my baby sparks fire, and sips from my wine.

Would you as well,
Take shape of their youthful mistakes?
The rolling of thunder,
As our crescent moon breaks?

Trace hill tops for a purpose
Scan histories for my name,
You stammer through apologizes,
Will I alone remain?

You're golden,
The sun is your smile—
And I, a fool, stare until I'm blind.

You're glowing,
The Gods blessed your altar—
And I pray amongst flowers for your light.

Your hand is empty,
Mine barren; like Californian earth—
You're too far to reach, but my hand is outstretched.

(I'm not who you're looking for.)

You don't need to know my name,
But I,
Am half convinced I've made you up.

In my head,
Have I built you up?
Or am I just unsatisfied?

You don't need to say hello,
But I notice the way you
Murmur your words as you feel
All eyes through a camera lens.

I'm enamored by you.

And yet, we've never met.