I fear.
I fear that one day I'll say something,
I fear that one day you'll see something,
I fear that one day I will do something…
I fear there will come a moment when I give you a reason to leave.
I fear that you will become bored of me.
I fear that despite what you think of me now, a day will come when the mist will be cleared away.
I fear that this fear is what will assure our undoing.
I fear that my fear will be the reason you leave.
I fear this.

I fear I will become nothing more than a face in the crowd and a name easily forgotten.
I fear that I will fall victim to my mind again and there will be nothing I can do to stop it.
I fear this not because it has happened before, but because I care.
I fear this because I care.
I care because it's worth the fear.
I care because I can tell that you are someone I want to be around.
I care because there is a connection to you I feel that is almost chemical.
I care because it's who I am.
I care because of who you are.
I care.
And that is why I fear.

We lie here with our loved
In the dampest of fields
Amid the days
When the dawn and sunset quarrel.
The guns are heard echoing in the fields,
"Mark
And
Take
And
Break."
And we who were loved
When the sky was still grey
Sleep in the fields,
Short lived,
Dead and Gone.

i thought the sun was bright.
you well your brighter.
you fill up the room with your talent.
you fill my mind with curiosity.
your talent you have many..
but the one that stands out is the one that attracted me..
your attractiveness
it caught my eye
your eyes they glow
at me.
you are dangerous,
to me.
i trust you to not break me..
i dont know if thats good or bad but you've proved to be capable of loving me.
youre not easy to read like all the others.
your personality fire and ice.
cold but warm at the same time.
youre loving but can be intimidating at times.
my heart melts when you say you love me.
its hard to believe.
someone so perfect as you..
is capable of loving someone so fractured
broken…
and torn as me.
you said you'd show me how it could be.
how love is suppose to be.
i'm hesitating on handing over my heart once again.
trusting someone with my already shattered bits of what's left.
trusting that you'll cradle it,
love it with all you've got
but, how do i possibly know that you'll protect it…
and love it..
or will you break it.
theres so many downfalls that this could go towards or it could go pleasantly but love never ends that way.
it's always heartache towards the end..
when you've done all you can possibly do with that one person then you move on and repeat it if not faster and it turns into a vicious cycle never ending until your body gives up and shuts down.
cold as a stone they say hearts are clold they are fake warm on the outside luring you to there coldness.so they can break you and tear you apart..
feed on your insides until you're all drained out then they leave you with nothing left.
love.
its a pleasurable monster that you can't get enough of.
love the drug.
that you'll trick yourself to enjoy.
love its painful..
but pleasurable.
screws with your mind.
a drug.
it feds off you until you finally die.
love its not possibly a waste of time it just makes time faster and soon you'll be drained and it will leave you to die.
love i've experienced it,
first time it was amazing..
great perhaps.
now i'm almost drained no more ink left but a pinch..
for you my dear.
don't waste it..
soon ill die.
love it's just a dream.
a nightmare perhaps.

If you’re listening to this right now hoping to hear something new,
Hoping to hear something that might inspire you
Or give you that rush you’ve been looking for…
Just…
Keep looking…

We’ve all said it before...
That we’re looking for something…
That we’re just not sure what it is...

And I think that -for the most part- we deserve that.
That uncomfortable mystery.
I mean…
What’s the point of reading a book if you already know how it ends?
If you knew what you were looking for,
There’s no adventure in the search for it.
So why is it that every time I see a sunset...
My gut reaction is to run away from it?
Like I’m trying to repent for wasting my day but I don’t know why.
It didn’t feel like I was wasting it until it was over and by then…
The sun was already setting.

Let me try to make more sense of this…

So you’re 8 years old.
Not once in those 8 years have you ever worried
That you won’t be enough,
That you won’t amount to anything.
In those 8 years you’ve been in spaceships and castles.
You’ve gone from training wheels to treasure maps.
Streetlights were your curfew
And the sunset never seemed like an ending.
You went to bed that night and woke up 10 years later in a panic Looking for something you lost the day before.
The world was falling apart
And the sun hadn’t even made an appearance yet.
Your spaceships have landed
And your treasure maps turned out to be dead ends...

The swing set couldn’t get you out of orbit
And you didn’t find what you were looking for
In that hole in the back yard.

You’re 18…
Everything feels like the ending of the story
And you don’t even know the plot yet.
You start drawing treasure maps again
And everyone thinks you’re crazy,
But all you’re really trying to do find is what you lost so long ago
And when they tell you to just retrace your steps…
None of the footprints look like you own.

You start running in reverse.
Whether it be to get away from yourself or who you thought you were, It doesn’t matter.
The point is that you’re looking for something.
You start dusting off old treasure maps and try to revisit the stars.
What once was your castle
Is now just an old blanket next to the couch in the living room.
You start to panic.
Frantically you search for the moment of impact
When your rocket returned home
And the lid of the treasure chest slammed shut.
But you won’t find it.
It’s not there anymore.
You start to notice how empty your gut feels,
Yet at the same time so heavy.

So you’re 18 years old.
You’ve started to worried that you won’t be enough.
That you won’t amount to anything.
In these 18 years you’ve been in spaceships and castles.
You’ve gone from training wheels to taking tests.
Streetlights are no longer your curfew
And every sunset is a different ending.
You’ll go to bed tonight
And wake up 10 years from now in a panic
Looking for something you lost the day before.
The world never stopped falling apart
And the sun hasn’t even made an appearance yet.
Your spaceships have landed
And your treasure maps turned out to be dead ends...

And I think that -for the most part- we deserve this.
This uncomfortable mystery.
I mean…
What’s the point of reading a book if you already know how it ends?
If you knew what you were looking for,
There’s no adventure in the search for it.
So why is it that every time I see a sunset...
My gut reaction is to run away from it?
Maybe because I know I’m still searching for something
And my time is running out.
And everyday when I wake up,
Panicked,
Looking for something I lost the day before
The world starts falling apart…
But by then…
The sun is already setting.

We’ve all said it before...
That we’re looking for something…
That we’re just not sure what it is…

And at the end of that day,
What you're looking for could be right in front of you,
Plain as the sunset,
But you'll never know unless you keep your eyes open,
And keep looking.

So if you’re listening to this right now hoping to hear something new,
Hoping to hear something that might inspire you
Or give you that rush you’ve been looking for…
Just…
Keep looking…

Covered in
hickeys
and cigarette smoke
- art is
interpretation
and I
am a masterpiece