Have you ever wanted to die?

I have
I have wanted to die for such a long time
That the wanting became a part of me
When i was young despair fell into my lungs like a liquid
And i couldn’t get rid of it
Tiny lungs filled quickly
And they couldn’t handle when my face reddened and my pulse quickened
So much so, that as i wheezed out of consciousness
I hoped and prayed to never wake up

But i always did,
And as i grew
So did my lungs

Instead of being full they were only a third of the way there
I wasn’t so suffocated but i could still feel it stir with every breath

To me the world had always been a sad place to be in
Everyone was always searching
For something bigger
Searching for something better
For more
Because having what you have was never enough
And loving what you love was never enough
Even being who you are was never enough

The sadness was engraved in me too
The sadness was a wax coating over my body
And it made it hard to move

Hard to feel
All my senses were muffled
And it left me so unsure of everything
About my feelings and how others felt about me

So that even friends were not really friends
Because relationships make people delve into each other

And how could anyone delve into me if the wax
That had once been a thin coating was now protruding limbs?

I was alone
In a planet full of people
In a life full of companions
And in a family that was kind but neglectful

One day, gruesome thoughts began
I wanted someone

Anyone

To feel the despair and the sadness
Much like i did
To make them wheeze, to make them numb

I wanted to tear them apart

Floating in in the pool that became an ocean
Of my very own psychosis
Twisted me into the very thing that was killing me
So i could prey on another
And start the cycle once again

There's a parasite in me,
That's eating away at my mind
My sanity
And my soul

I hope to end this with me before it's too late

He said
"It’s ok to be strange, but not too strange"
And over the years it has never left me

Because apparently, people can appreciate your “uniqueness”
But only in small doses
And if that is so, then why bother at all?
You can’t take a piece of someone and call it a whole

The good and the bad that resides in all of us
Is something we have to accept wholeheartedly
It's our humanity

There is a madness in all of us
A darkness
Just the same
As our will to live
As our happiness

Being loved in bits and pieces is torture
It's not just wanting to change for someone
Trying to be what they want you to be

It's hating yourself for not being right to begin with
It's feeling inadequate
It's worries and doubts pouring over you like a thick sludge

It's wishing you could hate that person discarding those unsightly pieces of you
And not being able to

Some people don't see the pain they cause
Because they've become numb to their own pain
And have gotten tired of waiting
Waiting their whole lives for someone to see them as a whole

All it takes is one step forward
Steady and sure
And one resonating acknowledgement:

"It's ok to be yourself"

So that our hearts may flourish

It’s like a lightning storm during the night
How it blinds you and makes the night seem darker

Like an abyss

And when she rumbles
You can feel the vibrations
Before she deafens you

It’s such a destructive force
That when she finally hits
She tears everything apart

Whether she means to or not

And when she hits you
She burns you deep into your core
Rooting its way into everything

Everything you are
Everything you’re not
Everything you wish you could be

Temptation to end the ringing in my ears
To ease the shaking in my hands
To slow the chaos in my mind
To **** the shiver in my spine

Am i getting heavier?
Or is the air around me pushing me down?

But it’s only me

Nothing touches me in this abyss
Because it’s a prison for me alone
Made by my own crippling self-doubt

By my ever-deteriorating mind, crazed and distraught
Is it that i still loathe myself so much, that i can’t stop struggling ?

If in the past
I only stayed alive to keep suffering
Why is it that after finding someone special,
And after finding tremendous love

I still feel like i'm suffocating?
Being slowly smothered out of air

What is it now that is holding me down?
Is it still only me?
Did i never free myself from my cage?

How can i stop my hesitations?
Whether it’s foot or tongue
If everything that comes out of me is processed various times before it’s even uttered
Why do i still stutter?
If every change in direction is fully thought through
Why do i still misstep and stumble?

What is wrong with me?

Although i don’t think of killing myself as cruelly as i did before, I still do think about it

I think about it every time my body seizes
From suppressed adrenaline
I think about it every time my throat swells
From the burn of suppressed anger
I think about it every time my voice wavers
From suppressed shame
And i think about it every time my eyes water
From lack of any hope.

When i think about it now

I hope to die alone

I hope to feel the surge of a few second drop
I hope to feel when i’m splattered on the ground
And take in the immense pain before i die

I no longer wish
To show you what the inside of my veins look like
I no longer wish
To tear myself apart in front of you
And pour my anguish out to you

"This is what you did to me"

No
Not anymore
Because the one to blame is me

"This is what i did to me"

This is what i did to me
Because i never figured out what it was i was supposed to do

And i couldn’t stop repeating the same mistakes

I can’t stop repeating the same mistakes

I keep repeating the same mistakes
I keep repeating the same mistakes
I keep repeating the same mistakes

Why do i keep repeating the same mistakes ?

If my skin is meant to encase all my insides
Why does it always feel like they are ready to burst out?
And in contrast why does it feel like my bones will suddenly melt out of their rigidness?

That my ears hear, but only in echoes, like someone yelling from far above a well
That my eyes cast shadows when nothing is there
And my hands tremble even past the mistakes

I’m not sure there will ever be a time, that i will feel ok
In retrospect i don’t think there ever was a time when i felt ok
And because of it i will always be attracted to the nothingness of death

Knowing that one day i will succumb to the darkness