Heather

Heather Jul 2020

Every thought runs through my eyes
He reads my face
And repeats back my biggest fears to me loud and clear
“Yes I can tell your lost”
“Yes I know I’m perfect for you but you’re too afraid”
“Yes your ******* this up”

Takes the reigns right from my hands unbothered and leaves me shaking in the passenger seat.

Heather May 2020

Just some passing thoughts...

For as long as I can remember I’ve been damaged
Sad eyes that only appear more beautiful with a glassy film of tears.

For as long as I can remember it’s been difficult for me to love or be loved.
I always feel so close to many but never truly connected to one

For as long as I can remember I’ve been disappointing
To myself who is never satisfied until I’m writhing in pain

But even then, I’m breathless.

Something I found in my notebook.

#ptsd #anxiety #ambition #heartbreak #woman

Heather May 2020

Fantasies

It’s these moments that still shock me
As much as a Sunday school girl past
When I close my eyes and see flashes of me
On top
And *******
And hair pulled
And *** smacked

As much as I want to be virtuous. I’m just not that kind of Mary it seems.

#*** #church #***** #hot #fantasy

Heather Apr 2020

Tingling

First I feel it in my fingers and toes
The buzzing that grows
Grows into a quiver
From my thigh to my spine; a shiver

The pain of numb so few will know
Vision as black as crow
I trace my raised skin
What made the tingles begin?

#panicattacks #anxiety #faint #mentalhealth

Heather Apr 2020

Making connections

A song, a taste, a color
Any could knock the first domino
A tangled mess of linked traumas
That gave way to present strength

#memories #life #trauma #chainreaction

Heather Jan 2020

You left your mark

I cannot say if I can
Nor even if I want to forget
Your hair as black as the night
With its touch as soft as satin

Because I find it everywhere

Laced around my clothes
In the seats of my car
And curled in my hands

Your hair, it keeps me up my dear
Draws my hands below my waist
I can still feel it brush against my stomach
As you tell me how good I taste

#fantasy #*** #lust #love #women #memory

Heather Jan 2020

Sun cycles

Sleep escapes me again.
I listen to the train whistles come farther apart
And the wheels on pavement grind to a halt

Lights that once illuminated the peaks and valleys of my skin have all extinguished.

And funny that a stranger stated my truth so plainly.
To describe these nights of torture ;
My existence ties my stomach in knots.

Something my social work client said in a service meeting today. She has a cognitive delay and bulimia. She is a reminder that pain does not discriminate by color, religion, gender or intelligence. She is a reminder that mental health is simple, and yet so complex.

#anxiety #insomnia #upallnight #chasingthesun #pain