Man I don't know what's going on with me.
It's like I'm stuck in this mental hell and I don't want to be.
Honestly I'm just trying to keep going with it,
I could be dying inside but I never let you see it.
Weak one? No I'll never be it..
Life has a funny way of showing up on you.
Like **** I was fine now I don't know what to do.
I'm crying I'm sighin,
I'm moving with pain,
I'm just trying to keep going with whatever motivation remain.
I been through it all
I felt every major fall.
And I did it on my own,
**** everyone yet don't wanna feel alone..
****, What happened to the peace?
On god this got me feeling in need of a release.
But I'm ok, I'm fine.
My past stuck on replay
But I'm ok, I'm fine.
No need to press rewind.  
I pretend to smile so you'll be okay,
I pretend I'm fine so you have a good day.
All of this emotional **** I'm really starting to feel faint,
**** this **** get lonely,
After a minute of trying to be happy when you ain't..
When everyone is expecting you to rise and don't understand when you don't,
But I promise I'm not giving up,
I promise I won't.
Another day, another issue,
I just pick my head up and grab a tissue.
I'll be okay I promise in time I'll be,
Until then I'm moving forward just so you can see.
Don't worry no dirt on my name,
I'm still Haley I'm still the same.
Just a little broken just a little down,
But I'm gonna make you smile when I come around.
Sometimes the people who hurt the most show it the least,
Humor at it's best and pain hidden like a beast.
I can't hold it in all the time,
It's not a race it's a climb.
Stay woke to what you blind to,
People really taking their lives,
This ain't a game out here,
Off your pain that devil thrives.
Listen with your heart,
You never know when you're gonna be apart.
If you care show it, if you mad own it.
You only get one chance, live it.
Now I don't know where I'm going with this,
Just tryna make sense of all of this.
**** I don't know why I stay in my head,
From wake up to going to bed.
There's not much to share than what's already been said.
Theres not much to think than what's already been in my head.
I'm trying to find the reason I feel so bad,
It's like my light getting dimmer and I'm loosing what I had.
Maybe it's anxiety? Maybe it's depression?
Never thought how I feel would be something I question.
****.
This got a little too real and I'm not ready to deal,
I got too much going on with everything that I feel.
But why am I crying?
Why sometimes I feel like I gotta give up trying?
Why is my world so dark from the light?
Something needs to change man..
Something ain't right.
It's not okay that I'm giving up the fight.
So here I go again picking up the pieces I've torn apart,
Nothing but a struggle when my life story start.
Is it worth the pain though?  
****.
I really don't know..

You said dry your eyes and you promised that you wouldn't leave me,
But man how times have changed..
You made it look so easy.
It's like someone set a bomb off inside my chest,
You steady played me..
I guess you lied when you said you're not like the rest...?
I wanted more, you wanted space,
My thoughts were cloudy and my heart began to race.
We was so close but there were so many signs of danger,
Next thing I knew..
We somehow became strangers.
I'm not used to that,
I'm not used to hearing you say that you don't love me,
I'm not used to you putting everything and everyone above me.
**** you could have spoken to me..
I would have respected you a lot more,
But now I'm just stuck with this image of you walking out the door.
What happened to us being able to communicate?
All those times I gave you my last..
You didn't stop to appreciate.
I felt it before you slipped.
I felt the pain from miles away...
No matter how in denial I was I knew it would happen one day.
Then it did and it hit my heart heavy,
How can I keep my balance when we ain't even steady??
We're not on the same page, we are well off track..
The person I fell for I prayed for her to come back.
Man what a year it's been,
Losing everything I loved trying to find myself within.
But **** you made it look so easy not to care,
I wish I could forget all the feelings that are still there.

No light shining through my home..
No space for me to roam.
I dream of the day..
I can fly away..
I stay flying around in my 32 inch tall cage..
Plucking my feathers, full of rage.
Unfulfilling an animal to it's nature
A form of torture..
Don't come near me I'll bite..
Company I do not invite.
Inside my confinement is no sight.
But my swing that has succumbed to old age.
But I'm just a bird..
Stuck in a cage.

The style of of your hair,
The sound of your voice,
It hurt when you left..
But you didn't have a choice.
Time stood still and the wind quit blowing,
How amazing you were..
You left never knowing.
Two hands together,
Looking to the sky,
Praying to God,
Trying not to cry.
I turn to no one whispering...
"You are gone too soon."
Searching for you..
Between the stars and the moon.
Wishing I could bring you back somehow,
I hate to say it...
But it's goodbye for now.
All the laughs we've had,
Man I'm just sitting here reminiscing,
Your beautiful smile,
All of you I'm missing.
God called you home,
But he left me behind,
A person like you...
I'll never be able to find.
**** you are gone too soon,
What am I supposed to do?
It's not the same..
Trying to live life without you.
Days pass by and it's getting harder to breathe,
We had plans..
It wasn't supposed to be your time to leave.
Now all I can do..
Is lay here and grieve.
You are gone too soon..

Throughout my life I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder, Anxiety, Bipolar, and PTSD.

It's a crazy list I know, it's basically like having my mind and my body at war with itself and me.

It's not easy for me to see things clearly or even more so, to try to understand it.

This isn't the life I had hoped for, it isn't how I would have planned it.

I been through a lot including addiction if you want to add that to the list,

But honestly It was my way of coping with life and my mental status.

If anyone even knows a thing or two about drug addiction, then you know it only made it worse.

It only took the first 10 seconds of numbing, to have me stuck in it's curse.

Drugs took everything. Shredded me of what I loved and with every thing I cherished,

It was gone, completely perished.

What I needed was taken away from me.

I would look every where in sight and there would be nothing left to see.

It took jobs, apartments, my real friends, family, materialistic,

It didn't stop there, it took my heart, my self worth, my mind. I started to believe in the unrealistic.

The enemy in my mental steadily grew angrier and more aggressive,

The numbness never lasted and its destruction slowly became more progressive.

I felt even more down than I was before, I had became something unrecognizable and I was surprised,

I became the enemy, the monster, I had became something I despised.

That's when the power greater than me stepped in and saved my life with his power,

It took him doing that a few times but his love over me he continues to shower.

Every day is a decision to stay clean and every day is a decision to be great.

No one is a lost cause. Trust me just wait..

Growing up I seen alot of things young people shouldn't see,
Drugs helped me escape they helped me become free.
Until it became the only thing I could see.
No white walls
They was replaced with dark fogs.
I kept going back to that life trying to make sense of my own insanity,
Oblivious to my own reality.
I hurt people I caused pain,
I watch people leave and only I remain.
It was miserable and depressing,
Now that I'm clean and sober...
I have been stressing.
How can a friend just betray you?
How can a lover just play you?
We live in a world where hate is taught and love has to be earned.
Yet it says "love thy neighbor"...
I'm a bit...concerned.
Hate it's a battle everyday,
Many people disagree about how I go about my way.
Telling me they love me,
behind my back plottin against me.
They wanted me to break,
They took everything they could take.
I mean even my own blood was praying for my downfall,
But I turned it around and I made that call.
I made a decision to change my world looking through my eyes,
I got rid of the dark skies..
I focused on my rise.
Here I stand a different person because I took back my power,
By taking it second by second,
Minute by minute and hour by hour.
Not allowing myself to fall back to toxic people,
Understanding that they are lethal.
Understanding that what I thought was love was really hurting me,
Understanding that I have to let go to be who I want to be.
Understanding love has to come within before I can give it away.
Understanding people aren't always who they portray.
Understanding sometimes I just need to get out of my own way.
For once I'm doing it for me and noone else,
For once I'm happy with myself.
I found new ways to cope,
and for others,
Ill never stop sharing my experience, strength,
and hope.