they put me on pills again
they said it would make me feel better
that I wouldn't be sad anymore
but the shaking is worse
now I can't leave my room
because I'm scared of dying
I'm scared of confrontation
because I'm scared of people.
I don't want to get hurt
and now my palms are clammy
face flushed pale.
inhale
every things gonna be ok right?
exhale
it didn't work
I'm not fixed
the anxiety is still here
and its eating me alive
my mother thinks I'm insane
and my sister is scared of me
I just want to be alone
but I need someone to hold me
to tell me that it's alright
when I know it's not.
the nice people in the white coats
said I would get better
but I blame them
this isn't normal
how can wanting to die,
but live at the same time,
be normal?

A mother's love is supposed to be tender and kind,
But why is yours deadly and frightening?
Don't get me wrong but that's how I feel,
Whenever I hear your steps nearing my room's door.

But let me tell you why I feel this way,
With all due respect to you,
And to whatever you have done to me,
While I have barely lived in this world.

Since I was young, you hated me so dearly.
What did I ever do so wrong?
Was it me being conceived in your womb or something more?
For you treat me just like a trash or a dog.

Fairly, whatever I do is not enough to please you.
I am worthless, pathetic, and stupid as you might utter regularly.
Some say, you aren't just expressive just like the others;
But you are actually expressive, just not in the way expected.

Some days I wonder, am I really your child?
Because I don't feel it in a way I should.
All I have is a sense of physical and emotional suicide.
Yet, constantly waiting for that day when I will be more than nothing.

Your words are as sharp as silver daggers,
Slowly killing and numbing me in this atrocious cynical world.
I usually pretend that I do not care about them but I do care.
They affect me more than they should but what can I do?

You are my dearest mother,
Supposedly someone who gave birth to me to see the world;
Yet I am entrapped by dark clouds torturing me every second,
Only laughing and seeing how I die tragically.

I wrote this letter to you not as a writing for you to change,
But something as a suicide note while I beg for euthanasia.
For I can't bear to cry all night long just for you to tell me I'm dramatic,
Instead of assuring me that everything is going to be safe and alright.

I love you but it brings me pain,
That I can't even feel that I am even your daughter,
Maybe it is actually my fault why this kills me every day,
But it's too late, for I will now say goodbye with tears forever unshed.