Did I fail the life I was meant to live?
In my mind I failed those who loved me.
All I’ve ever known is this darkness that surrounds my every thought.
Pushes me into the abyss and keeps pulling me in deeper and deeper.
Where am I?
As I fall deeper I hear a sound, over and over again.
The only voice beside my own speaks of nothing but broken,
Is that me?


Broken is what I’m known by,
And I cannot seem to wake myself.
I seem not tired or awake.
Where will I end up?
I feel no pain and sense no feelings.
Perhaps I am becoming nothing but the abyss.
Am I fading, or I am falling?
I feel wind across my icy cold cheek,
And as it caresses my cheek, only one thought pops into my mind.
Who was “Broken?”

As I landed on my face,
I felt pain for the very first time.
Although i could not see my surroundings
I could sense all the faces on my lifeless body.
I start to panic as i cannot move my limbs or open my eyelids.
I am trapped in myself.
I am “Broken” and i cannot fix myself.

As i walked this path home to the once happy place,
Now beaten up and destroyed by the memories that haunt me.
I start to feel the tears run down my cheek.
In an instant I hold my breath and count to thirty.
This is who i have been for many years now,
And i won’t be changing soon.

As i come back into my senses,
I noticed my weary beaten down house,
That once saved me from the monsters that were outside.
I noticed the small things,
The cracked paint,
Broken windows.
Spray paint sprayed all about.  

I grew exhausted from all the memories,
And the agonizing pain it brought me.
I found solitude in my steps away from that putrid house.
I loathed the feeling it brought me.
That vacant memory of that feeling came rushing back.
I began to stumble at the thought of it.
My world came crashing down in that house.
It's starting to be hard to breathe,
As my anxious body aches at the thought of ever being there once more.

I lay here,
Beaten and defeated.
Losing hope like its blood rushing out of me.
As i seek shelter from this feeling,
I find comfort.
Love,
At least i know that i can feel,
It's better than breathing.
I find comfort in the same thing that is killing me.
Defying the line i crossed many years ago,
I promised to never feel this way again,
But even broken promises hurt.
I started breaking promises before i started breathing,
Or my heart started beating.
Before i could walk,
I could think.
I could think of everything that is wrong with me.
That list goes on and on,
And as i lay here,
Thinking of everything wrong with me.
I decided to give up,
And with giving up,
I became happy.
I gave up in trying,
Breathing,
Feeling.

I gave up feeling,
Without feelings
I can breath,
I can walk.
I walked back into those lines i defied long ago.
And that's where you were.
I woke up on the hospital bed,
Half beaten,
Dying.
I laid there feeling alone.
Every single feeling came rushing back.
No one came running back at the sound of my heart beat,
Or my gasping voice.
You didn’t care,
When you saw me lying on that cold hard ground on that unpaved road,
You didn’t help,
You saw me at my lowest state,
Yet you didn’t love me then.
My broken heart yearns for you.
Yet you don’t want me even breathing around you.



I never learned to live without that feeling.
The feeling of betrayal,
Hopelessness,
Brokenness.
I forgot how i felt so at home in these feelings.
After losing you,
I felt alone.
Barely alive.
You crawled under my skin and made me uneasy.
Every day the unbearable pain you gave,
I couldn’t feel the same.
This hospital sheet itches at me like you words cut through my walls.
You made me uneasy,
Every thought of you killed me inside.
With every thought i became more and more careless.
It was like hell,
But on Earth it felt worse.
No one care enough to save me from this place i came into.

I looked away.
I looked away from everything bad in my life.
And i saw it.
I saw the stars and the way they danced with each other.
The way they worked in harmony.
I gave into my heart.
I started thinking of you and the way your eyes glistened when the light hit it.
Or the way you smiled when you were talking about something you were passionate about.
All those times i took you for granted and didn’t take the time to think.

The stars aligned,
And my heart aligned with them.
The way the earth danced with the big dipper made me smile.
It made me happy.
Not like a dog seeing their human happy,
But a mother and father seeing their new born baby for the first time.
And that moment everything was right.
I stood staring at the stars instead of my phone.
The social media consumed me until i looked up and saw what was made for us to consume the beauty of.

We take pictures of it but we never admire it,
And one day when it's gone we will realize we should’ve seen the way it looked down at us.
Every night and throughout the day,
It never gives up.
And the way the stars never giving up in us,
Showing us art.
I found shelter from this cruel world.
After many times of falling short all i needed was a look at the stars.
And in star gazing i found everything i needed in life.
I found myself which was more than enough to get me by.
And in finding myself i found love through a constellation.