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It’s like I can’t breathe through the night
My chest startin to feel real tight
Anxiety makin it hard to sleep
& no one knows but it cuts real deep

tryna replace old habits with good things
addictions a ***** but I’m tryna forget my sins
& I know this life ain’t meant to be ez
But I can’t stop these thoughts from consumin me

so when I’m on my own I get down
butchu gotta understand I lost my crown
now I’m tryna get through the pain
imma long lost soul been driven insane

cage: a structure of bars or wires in which birds or other animals are confined

Caged inside my own mind of worry
I can’t decide if it’s me or everyone around me
Constant paranoia eats away at me while i run from the darkness that surrounds my lungs, smoking the feeling of pain that my self-inflicted thoughts do to my gums
I’m always down, I don’t know why
I try to stay up but instead the anger triggers an evil eye
the most reliable thing I’ve ever had is music
something that drowns the thoughts of aspiring to be anorexic
denial traps my family and everyone around me
I’m suffering in silence to let them move on positively
back to the perception of a fat brown girl
I can’t believe my mum taught me to shake the feelings, to not eat the twirl
I can’t help it that I feel imprisoned within a safe home
i can’t help it that I diagnose myself with every possible syndrome
it’s easier to know there’s a label of identification than to be unaware and completely oblivious
I know, this trait of mine I don’t usually share as it’s cruel and hideous
but I just want to be loved
instead, I get a kick out of being crushed
sometimes I like the feeling of loneliness
it helps me feel as though there isn’t an emptiness
it digs at my stomach like the punches I threw at myself as I suffered from throwing my fingers back and gagging for food
just to control the unknown and how I really felt about our family feud

I learn today that I have changed,
for better or worse i'll never know
People come and people go,
I am going through something I was once afraid to show,

Chapters are my story line...
adding up to reveal different personality crimes
it's how the system grows and grows,
 I'm a thriving kid of wild ambitions and colour of indigo,

counting up as my age ascends like killer queen,
I'm young, naïve and cleverly keen  

Has God answered my prayers?
I guess that's a question i'll never stop asking,
I need to take a bath and start relaxing
days and nights, runs and walks,
praying and praying when will he talk ?
you come out better than your demons warned you not
listen to Kesha and pray,
its your only way of fighting your enemy

The thoughts stay awake in my mind
bullied all my life even when I was kind
Struggling, yearning for my weight to go back down,
to where it was when I didn’t frown
Constant reminders of myself
Shopping windows, mirrors and family,
they even put me in therapy
“Brush it off” they all say
talking,screaming,shouting so abruptly
The voices so loud I can’t even distinguish my own laugh

it doesn’t leave

I want it to cast me away
Take me to an unknown island
Forget about me, leave me with the grass
my “flabby arms” and “visible stomach” are my worst enemy,
worse than the seven trench built army
The bullying soldiers both inside and out
They must be right?  
I do not doubt

Somebody help me
Tell me I’m right
Young girls find value in appearance  
This diabolical and alluded kite
This will **** many like me,
who’ve suffered enough and cannot breathe
So please teach them to be smart
you can do more with a brain than you can a face
but in this age, it is a race

Control
Was I in control ?
Was I in control when the food i digested got  thrown back up into my toilet bowl while the door was locked, shower turned on & my scarred knuckles down my throat?
Control
Am I in control?
My emotions are obsessed with my weight
Why won’t they leave me alone ?  
My mind races at one hundred miles a second
Am I fat?
Am I fat?
Am I fat?
Imagining a slim life
No problems

We used to stand in our tiny kitchen
You would make jokes and I would listen
We’d talk about my friends, people and god
I would be captivated and you would patiently nod

You cooked up the best food, curries and salads
I watched and observed and sometimes sang ballads

We’d go on drives to our local store
Listening to music, It doesn’t happen anymore
I’d jump out the car while u sat and waited
I’d pick the best chocolate while you stayed seated

Then we’d go home and I would make tea
We’d sit on the sofa and stare at the tv
I miss you so much but you’re not even dead
Parents get divorced and now your enjoying someone’s else’s bed
Don’t get me wrong, I love your new wife
but I’m sad that you decided to change this life

Now I lay in the bed of my childhood house
You’ve decided to sell it and move in with you’re spouse

I don’t expect you to understand but I miss you with mum
I know you deserve love but I can no longer trust anyone

I’m not afraid of God
I’m afraid of man

Burning anxiety demands to be felt,
Pain on a cross crucifies my safety belt

The Bleeding of anger surrounds the planet of Saturn,
Cowering emotions of a weak and reflective pattern

Differentiating the savages from one another,
Blasphemous torture brings a reign of popping colour.

Conflicting paintings of contradicting contrast,
Overpowering the loneliness of a raw & ready outcast

identifying potential and searching for identity,
Dangerous obscurity holds deep defying
serenity

Face tackling emotions, distancing with deflect,
Running on ideas, this light won’t project.
Sound waves and paintings nourish a soul,
A way to reveal the basics of mind control

An angel disguised by a demonic personality
The protective armour worn is only
temporary
Writing my feelings has become impossible
Drawing my feelings has become a war
Between the two people that haunt my dark twisted brain
That u pricked prodded and tore

You were my best mistake
And I can’t even deny you

Farah

Whatever I do, I do it deeply. Emotions are things that I know all too well about. I'm very intense, and sometimes I bring others into my intense world. Some can handle it, while others tend to cower. Some are still around, while others have retreated back into their plain meager worlds. I like deep conversations about various topics. I like people who use their brains for something other than preventing their skulls from collapsing onto itself. I love deeply. I hate deeply. These are good and bad traits I know. This is why I'm into art, poetry, and writing. It takes a deep person to appreciate these things. I love that I am deep. It shows compassion, it shows individuality, and it shows that I can be passionate. It might take a lot to get me to open up, but I've got good reasons. If you can be patient with me, I'll introduce you to my intensity. I am so **** introverted. But, it's the quiet people you have to look out for. I don't live my life to please others. They don't live to please me, or do they give a **. This may make me a bit of an outcast, but it's the outcasts that followers look for to do the dangerous missions when things get heavy. I am who I am. I love to learn about others and I love to learn about myself. I'm learning new things everyday. Extreme intensity! Sounds good to me. Extreme sports are cool, but nothing beats learning about your own inner self and bringing others into it. I surprise myself sometimes. While searching for my inner self, I discover who, what, and how I am. We spend so much time trying to please others and learn about others, but we forget to look within ourselves

I don't know how much more intense I can get. I'm looking forward into discovering it though. Physical, mental, and emotional intensity. I think that sounds pretty sick, and we artists can see things from all sorts of perspectives. I'm done trying to be liked by others. I'm done trying to fit in where I don't belong. I am a puzzle piece that is dark, trying to fit into a puzzle picture that has a blue sky and beautiful field of flowers in it's scene. I think I fit into a picture that has a dark sky full of star

Like a cigarette, ignited and raised to your scornful lips
you made me your addiction
and i let you consume me

How do you manage to make me feel so worthless?
You tell me to pack my bags and loose focus
I was running right on my track till you came along and snatched my laugh
Your charismatic charm, your wrath and open path
The wonderfully dark and dearing experiences you offered me taught me to be a lying troll
You lured me in with your ****** bait then you threw me into the world of sea and fed me to the sharks where I drowned and sinned under your control
I love you
Too much
My obsessive behaviours taught me a lot
about myself but most of all, about you
You’re a manipulator & it’s not even your fault

I love you

Fire burning
Tables turning
Love is searching
I am lurking
You are earning
My deep desertions.

Blown away by the mourning of nature
Captured by the frame of the green leaves on my blazer
How can my lens captivate this sadness
when my mind can’t even comprehend the madness
The intimidation brings an essence of fear & joy
Just like you made me feel when you asked me to pay you with my body
I am not an object
I am not your toy
I am scared of being a reject
I am scared of being void
Save me from myself before I drown in  oath to which I cannot promise

I am more than the next woman waiting in line
and he is a coward

I guess sometimes I fall,

I fall so hard that I can’t feel the vibrancy of explicit detailing that nature brings to my very feet,
I fall so hard that I forget who I am and try to find myself in everyone else.

I am so real that my mind and heart are beautiful yet, I am ****** with the taunting and self- depreciating thoughts that creep in to my open mind late at night.

I guess the real ones have the capability to completely drift and float aimlessly.

Sleeping was my escape
Until the demons came and
stole my peace
they fed me lies
and lured me to the knives
Until I broke down again
and relapsed a cycle round my head
I am north
They are south
They attract

My worst nightmare.


**** I’m going insane

Obsessions with lies
Warmth and pride
Obsessions that lie
Pride that echoes warmth
The tip of my finger fights the lie I want to share
Tell me your obsessions
and I might just share my lies

Sad feet carrying the weight of my misery on the back of their ankles
Overgrown nails and worn out nail varnish
Take care of yourself Farah they say.
Take care.
Do they really mean it?
Can they not see the weight I carry around?

Eyes close one more night
It’ll be better by tomorrow
I promise
They don’t know
I fall asleep every eve with the same ******* thought

The light fades in a time consuming race
All it takes is to not show myself as any bait
The countless hours spent scheming with hope have all come back to haunt my faith
I don’t mean to be sour so I’ll only pierce you in your sensitive daith

Optimism turns to dust as my thoughts fade with the light
The luminescent bright sparks used to blind my sight
One cannot stress how they feel in such turmoil
I don’t want to give up but I have a fear of being too loyal
I’m sore minded and came across an undimmed dazzle
I’ve lost my way and can’t even find my soil or gravel

The key that unlocked my heavenly door dived into the water that bled in fast motion
I’m afraid to find another way but maybe I’ll come across an unwitting potion
Something to give me leeway & remove the permanent thoughts
Just to give a temporary fix to the mind games I play and people I fought

sometimes its good to have a break
but one more time for old times sake
a cycle to be broken
but a cycle never cracked

Suffered a bad fall
bashed my head against a white wall
didn’t even feel the pain
but who’s fault is it if not the charming *******

I cant even ******* write poetry anymore.  for **** sake.

Past the point of tears
Tears mock my strength
I’m as weak as a group of bears
And It’s so ******* intense

My madness murdered sanity
My sanity is insane
What is sanity when you’re as insane
As a brown beaded brain

Writing my feelings has become impossible
Drawing my feelings has become a war
Between the two people that haunt my dark twisted brain
That u pricked prodded and tore

Survival of the fittest
Rich against the poor

tell me you want me
but only for tonight
& if u mean it, then **** me right
satisfy me inside and keep me warm
*** I can get cold, i need ur support
let’s keep this a secret, we’re sippin on sin
enter inside me n caress my skin
look me in the eyes, hand inside my thighs
consume my body, whisper in my ear
tell me you need me, that I’m your dear
but please be gentle, I’m like a rose petal
im scared if you hurt me, I may become resentful