“do cats understand time?”
i ask my cat
scratching under her chin
“or do you just move
between food and sleeping?”
“it’s been a year since honey bear died”
“do you miss her too?”

my cat gave no answer
not even a purr
but her eyes looked sad
and then i remembered that
after honey bear died
she would lay right where
the dog’s bed used to be
as if she were keeping watch

i still find dog hair
on some of my clothes
and the whole back seat
of my stepdad’s truck
is blanketed in her fur
it still smells like her

so does the closet
out in the livingroom
where her bed used to be
and sometimes
i still think i can hear
her toenails on the floor
her little huffing breath
and i miss her so much

i have had dreams
where i go to the back door
and call her name
over and over
leaning out of the doorway
and into the dark night
but she never comes
she never comes
and i wait
calling her name over and over
but she never comes

it’s been exactly one year
since she passed
a whole **** year
and it doesn’t feel anywhere
near that long
it feels like yesterday

my chest hurts
my heart aches
i feel hollow
i miss my girl so much
but
i know she is no longer in pain
she can see
and run without her hips hurting
there are no more needles
no more vet visits
but i miss her so

i love her
i love her
i lover her

Every night I wake from the same nightmare
Screaming ****** ******, flames echoing across the room.
Blink and I’m an infant, a 6 month-old cavity
In a crib crying rivulets of blood,
Drowning; sweat gushing in from all sides, boxed in like the pile of
ashes I still hallucinate about sometimes
(Would you rather burn or drown?)
Dean always chose to drown.
And in that twisted way he was his own man,
Always sky blue over jet black, but me; I
deserve to burn.
I guess it runs in the family.
Charred black: that’s my destiny. Hooked on IVs of
Liquid coal, onyx adorning my veins. In this (under)world
I
am
King.
My throne is carved out of fallen stars that
Couldn’t put themselves back together again. I sit on
Lipstick-stained skulls
(They have names, names that ring in the hollow of my
Heart, names that whisper;
Counting down the hands I’ve let loose, let go)
Its a tightrope of insanity that I’m tiptoeing on; teetering on the frayed
Edges between darkness and
Light
I cannot tell where I begin, where I end,
(is this all but a figment of my imagination?)
For Mom, Jess, Dean.
Dean
They are the cobwebs that still linger between my muddled mind,
Tethering me to a world of lies;
A world that has no place for a boy with a blinding smile and nightshade lips,
A boy who once dreamt of a love so good so pure
–but that was before–
Before I dug out the demons I’d thought I’d buried six feet under
the fireworks of that night on the 4th of July,
do you remember?
But that was the rose of my previous life,
Now all that are left
Are the thorns.

Large wings,
Constant mischievous smirk
He fell from the sky
Blurred in shades of red
A war between winged humans
And 9 tailed foxes
Bones snapping,
Metal clashing,
Wings flapping,
Fangs baring
The enemies blood
Mercilessly slaughtering
One another
Proving their strength

Why are all the starships dead
                 The devil’s eve is a dessert waitress
Making phoenix ash pie
                 Devour the oasis
And burn to dust

It’s the same scenario, the same November night,
a whole year apart.

It’s colder than it was before, silence so loud, it hurts my core.
It’s been so long since I saw the sparks light up that fateful night, been so long since I wrote you that song,
It’s been so long
(and you’re not even here anymore, not in my heart, not in my soul)
and it feels like everything has fallen apart.

The sparks are bright and loud (they don’t light up the skies like they used to),
The candy not as sweet (I didn’t even go down to reminisce, I have no one to reminisce with, no one to reminisce about),
My smile not as wide (days of tears, taking it’s toll).

Fate took her price and left me forlorn.

For I’ve learnt that love is hard and painful, and it leaves you bitter and hanging,
Love was miserable in a way it was never before.
And friendships struck a thorn into my heart, and twisted,
and twisted,
and twisted,
Till I could feel nothing anymore.

I learnt that lonely wasn’t just a word anymore.

But pain comes, and pain goes.

The fireworks burst, high in the sky, pink, gold and green
as the cigarette smoke filled my lungs.
I made my peace with pain and hurt, in a room filled with tissues and tears,
I made my peace with pain and hurt, when I held myself close and let myself go.
I made my peace with pain and hurt, when I cried and called her phone.
I made my peace with pain and hurt; for now, for all my knowledge of them in this single moment.
I made my peace, and
I move on.

but your eyes blaze in
the inferno of your soul
and stars envy them

so there's this boy
he wears plaid, is kind of cute, i guess?
i raised him straight from the worst
and still, he hates himself everyday
why can't it stop?

so there's this angel
he wears a trench coat, is really cute, i guess?
he raised me straight from hell
and i don't know why, but i hate myself everyday
why did it start?

so there's this boy
and i try to keep him happy
but it seems like he's going back to hell again
how does it stop?

so there's this angel
and he tries to keep me happy
but i feel like i'm going back to hell again
how does it stop?

so there's this boy
and he hasn't come home
maybe he was drunk?
was he still out on his hunt?

so there's this angel
and i feel horrible to leave him
did he think i was out drinking?
or did he think i was still on my hunt?

so there's this boy
and he hasn't been home in a few days
did he leave?
usually things are supposed to end with goodbyes

so there's this angel
and i watch over him everyday
i feel bad for leaving
it's kind of ironic, watching after your guardian angel

i am a killer with good intentions, angel
you saw as your wings held back the nightmares
you fell from heaven as i crawled from hell
but against all odds, you're the one who cares

sometimes angels miss heaven and safety
but i will make this place your second home
even if you've been feeling lost lately
i promise you will never feel alone

if i **** you one day please forgive me
the poison runs black through my veins on some days
i can control it if it's you i see
but sometimes i can't see past the mad daze

but when my eyes open, i see what i've done
that's when the real godly war has begun.

When no one else was there to save me,
it was.
It always wraps me in its warmth,
Listens to my every sob,
Pats me in sympathy and comfort.
It's been my lifelong friend.

Most kids are afraid of the dark,
But really there's no need.
Darkness has always been my friend