Pop
Push
Use
Snort
Smoke
Shoot up.
Pass out and repeat.

Cut
Burn
Bleed
Bruise
Scab
Scar.
Cover up and repeat.

Starve
Binge
Puke
Weigh
Work
Weigh
Don’t eat and repeat.

Lie
Scream
Cry
Plead
Hide
Run
Give up. No repeats.

I want to cut.

I need to cut.

I miss cutting. 

I miss the scars. 

I miss the voices. 

I miss the deep spiraling depression.

I miss feeling out of control.

I miss feeling. 

Why do I miss being sick?

I thought I would be happy when I wasn’t depressed anymore, but now all I feel is emptiness. 

Where feelings of fear, anxiety, and sadness used to live, empty space echoes revealing what is lost.

I miss it all.
And I know I shouldn’t.

But living in denial is my safe haven. 
If I wake up, then I would have to face reality… And in that, I would have to face the fact that I’m not ok.

Sludge caked in my throat
I don't want to think of it
Fire burning in my heart
I don't want to think of it
The memories **** the air from my lungs
I don't want to think of it
The blood drains from my face
I don't want to think of it

***** fingers touching my chest
I don't want to think of it
Evil lips on my neck
I don't want to think of it
The thick smell of sweat
I don't want to think of it
Fighting back his voice in my head
I don't want to think of it

The trust that was destroyed
I don't want to think of it
The guilt chained to my soul
I don't want to think of it
The disgust of my own flesh
I don't want to think of it
The taste that will never leave my mouth
I don't want to think of it

I don't want to see it
The flashbacks make me sick.
I don't want to feel it
The pressure between my thighs.
I don't want to think of it
My best friend ***** me.
But I do.

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

I wish I could tell you that after we texted last night, I cried for the fear that I might lose you.
I wish I could tell you that I still think about you all the time. And I often hope that you could be more in my life.
I wish I could tell you that I dreamt about you last night.
We made love like we did the first time; On the floor of your bedroom because your plushie collection took up the space on your bed... I didn't mind. I could smell you in my sleep and it made me so happy.
I wish I could tell you that I love you too... And more than just a friend.
I wish I could tell you that I want to kiss you...
That I want to hold you...
That I want to love you like you deserve to be kissed, held, and loved.
I wish I could tell you that I wrote this about you.
But I can't.
Because it might **** you.