Journal Entry #11

People in my life always ask me why I don't date, my mother included. And we can now add my therapist to that list as well.

I told my therapist I find dating humorous and annoying currently.
I think my answer caught her by surprise as she smiled at me and then asked why?
So I decided throwing out actual scenarios would be my best course of action.

I told her for starters I'm completely oblivious when a guy is interested.

For instance:

My Mother: "Honey, why didn't you end up going out with that nice boy, he seemed like a good person for you?

My Response: "Mom, I planned on going out with him. But then I started watching that movie What Woman Want with Mel Gibson, and I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not wear pants.
So I never left my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~

My best friend: "Hey, that guy over there keeps looking at you. He's totally checking you out!"

My Response: "Naw, he probably has something in his eye and just so happens to be looking in my general direction. He was probably eating something spicy and touched his face. You don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Sister: "Umm, that man was clearly hitting on you. He was just just taken by you, it was so obvious! He was smiling at you the entire time."

My Response: "Naw, he was just really interested in what my preferences on vacuums were."
~~~~~~~~~~~

My therapist laughed at my awkward interactions with men and then went on to say,

"Clearly men are interested in you, but maybe you're just not ready to even be open to the idea of dating again, and that's why you really don't see when men are actually interested in you. How do you feel about that?"

My Response: "I think in part that's very true. But I also think that the idea of actually having to put on pants and talk to men is just a huge no thanks. I think the day I even humor another mans existence will be the day a man makes me happier than eating bread in a pile of freshly washed laundry.
A girls gotta have her standards."

Journal entry#11

My mom is my best friend.
She's wise beyond her years.

Today I came to her with tears.

I said, "mother why am I suffering."

I could hear her smile through the phone as she gently replied...
"Without suffering there would be no compassion."

I chucked through my tears and said, "Tell that to the ones who are currently suffering mom."

Her voice softened even more as she responded with so much love,
"Without suffering my sweet daughter how would we ever know joy?"




I love you mom

Journal Entry #10

I had the worst overwhelming stressed out day at work.
I felt like crying.
I felt out of my element.
I had no strength to go on.

And it was in that moment..
That I thought of you.
I wanted nothing more than to come home,
Bury my face in your warm embrace and cry.
All I needed was your strong arms wrapped around me tight and I'd know that everything would be alright.

It was only when I walked through the door of my empty lonely apartment that I realized.

"Oh.... that's right I'm not married."

Journal Entry #9

To lame to stand how I feel..
I press my lips to this glass filled with forget and I swallow deep.

Standing in nothing but a t-shirt, alone in this big empty apartment. I take solace in this glass to numb the pain within.

But as the music changes a song that reminds me of you starts playing.
How Ironic wouldnt you say...


I close my eyes tightly...
tense up..
try to fight it...
but before I know it my body is a slave to this beat and it makes my body come alive.

My hand grazes my bare thighs and I lose myself just briefly....
I pause, as I remember how good it felt when you touched me.

I remember the electricity and how you use to look at me.
God, the chemistry...
moments later your face appears so clear and perfect in my mind.

"Oh god, I hate this!" I think, as I press into the counter top behind me.
I try my hardest to stop thinking about you but memories of you are coming in waves and im being swept away.

I cant help but imagine what it felt like when youd slide your hands to wrap around me...
my god, the safest I ever felt.


I ache for you.

These memories are torment.

Tears stream down my flushed cheeks.

I bring my hand to my lips and I'm lost again.
I imagine bringing your lips to mine and how much of a rush it was each time.
You were intoxicating.
Kissing you was like a drug I could never kick.
Always wanting more.
Entangled in eachother.
Hold tight, each moment I did. Never wanting it to end.
Kissing in such synchronisation. Kissing you was nothing but second nature.

But I fight it, I try and shake it off.
shake you off.
my hips begin to sway falling slave again to our perfect song.
To the beat of my favorite song. The song about us.


I dont know how you do it.
I dont know how you forget such an addicting thing we had.
But you did and I'm lost with only memories now.
Memories I have to bury.
Because they give me so much pleasure but also so much pain.

(Revised)

Journal entry #8

It was surprisingly through therapy, I learned that grief doesn't just happen with death.
You can actually mourn someone still very much alive.

So, as my therapist would say,
"Lets explore that."


#1: Denial.
I remember this stage pretty well.  The world felt meaningless, Everything was overwhelming. Nothing in my life made sense anymore. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that there was no more you and me. I was paralyzed with shock. I was utterly and completely numb. I didn't feel anything for weeks. Until I guess I was ready to start asking myself the why of all that happened between us.

#2: Pain
As the shock and denial of my marriage ending began to slowly melt away, I felt as though I was hit by a bus as deep pain and guilt within me had finally surfaced. The reality of it all sunk in and I was left with nothing but a huge void in my heart.
The pain was beyond excruciating, a type of hell I'd never wish on anyone. My only escape to avoid the unbearable pain was drowning myself in wine. I drank almost  every single night for the sole purpose of escaping the reality which was to go on living my life, but without you in it.



#3: Rage.
Now I'll admit it took me a while to get to this step.
And after weeks of crying and missing you. It happened as fast as a flick of a light switch.
I was so angry at you, for what you had put me through.
I wanted you to feel every ounce of what I was feeling.
I wanted to hate you.
I was angry at all the things you had done.
All the truth I found out after I left you.
I felt like it wasent fair that you were there living Scott free without a care, without a worry with someone you replaced me with.
Rage consumed me.
I was even angry with God.
So I cut myself off from everything and everyone.
I talked to no one because I was just that angry.
At life and above all...
You.
I felt like I was lost at sea with no connection to anything.


4: Bargaining.
Then came the what ifs.
Maybe if I had been more this we'd still be married. If only I had done this maybe then you'd still be here... with me.
If only I could just got back into time and tell you once more how much I loved you, maybe then you'd understand, make better choices for our marriage.
I even bargained with my own pain. I did anything not to feel the pain of my loss. I remained in the past, trying to negotiate my way out of all the hurt.


#5: Depression.
Ahh depression the current stage that I am at.
It'll come over you like a thief in the night.
Empty feelings began to present themselves, and my grief came into my life on such a deeper level.
Deeper than I had ever imagined.
I am completely in a never ending fog.
I've withdrawn from life.
I want so desperately to pull myself out of this, but I'm lost.
I've lost myself.
I think that once the loss of leaving the only man I've ever loved settles within my soul That will be when I truly Find peace.


#6: Acceptance.
If I'm being perfectly honest with myself and my therapy.
I'll admit I'm not there yet.
You were the first love of my life.
You knew me.
I knew you, despite all the lies, all the things you tried to hide.
I saw you.
The real you, which is why I tried to save you from yourself so many times over, for years.
I saw your darkness, and I took it on as if it had been mine all along.
I tried to be the light in your life.
I tried to show you that despite your flaws, your past, your lies, that you had a chance for a better life... with me.
The very person that saw all of that horrible ****, and still loved you and felt in her heart that none of that was who you really are.
But It was never enough and sadly neither was I.
Looking back now I second guess myself.
Maybe that's just who you really are and the saying love is blind was our ultimate end.




#7: Hope
My therapist says that hope is the final stage of grief a person goes through after acceptance.
According to her the feelings you experience are not the same as resignation or feeling defeated.
It's In this stage that, you soon realize that,
(for instance in my case me ending my marriage) is something that was going to happen and was not in my control.
Moreover, I would then be able to move on with my life and even try to plan for a better future. The loss of my marriage, though still might be upsetting, when I reach this stage I hopefully will no longer be filled with the unbearable pain I've described throughout this poem.

Journal Entry #7

I have a beautiful one year old, harlequin, Great Dane and she's huge.  
I'm use to people staring but I was not prepared for today.

So they we were, walking in the snow.
I had my headphones on.
Music blasting.
Minding my own **** business and these two very attractive guys pull over and yell, "hey" loudly at me.
I stop and turn and they say to me,
"what's your baby's name?"

(Mind you, I am awkward as **** when it comes to interacting with men in anyway, and this entire interaction caught me completely off guard.)

So I smiled awkwardly and replied, "Sawyer."
They both smiled widely at me and the driver leaned forward and yelled "Hiiiiii Sawyer."
All I could do was laugh because to me this was just hilarious.
Still smiling at me, both the driver and the guy in the passenger seat finally wave and say bye and all I could come up with at the time was the words,
"ok."

Which brings me to the conclusion that if you're dog is getting more attention than you I should just assume the title forever alone.

Journal entry #6

When he use to look at me,
the way he use to look at me...
I always felt, like he didnt know, what I lacked..
Or rather, how I am incomplete.
I felt like he saw me, for what I am, as I am.
He made me believe he was happy with me.
Happy to see me.
Every single time.
Every single day.

But he had a darkness about him.
A darkness I tried to save him from.
A darkness I couldn't compete with, no matter how much light...
I...
Myself...
Saw...
In...
Him.