Journal entry #5


I'm missing you today.
Don't ask me how I feel about it cuz I wouldn't know what I'd say.

Today is harder than others.
At times I'm angry.
At times I'm so sad.
It feels as if the inside of me is screaming.

Why the hell did I agree to do this.
The only thing that seems to dull the deep ache within is this bottle of jack.
I know it's not the answer.
But I'm dealing with the fact that your not here and I can never take you back.

I guess I'm just hoping,
That after this fever I'll survive.
I feel strung out, Maybe even a little hazy.
My pain is my only reminder that I'm still here.
Hand over heart.
Quit beating... for him.


If you ever went looking for me you'd find me scattered in pieces on this cold bathroom floor.
And every second's like torture.
I'm searching the heavens for an answer on how to let you go.

Journal entry #4

Ever since I started this dammned therapy, it's as if the flood gates have opened up within my heart.
All the memories of you I kept hidden are now breaking through. Destroying all the walls I hand built to keep you out.

These memories come in waves.
Some are brief.
Some are long.
Some are just glimpses of your handsome face.

But out of all of them, one in particular stands out.

We had rented movies.
All the movies you chose were action packed.
But I chose a romantic movie.
I don't remember the name, but I do remember the ending.

It made me cry, it was a beautiful ending about love everlasting.
And I remember looking over at you expecting you to laugh at me, but you too were crying.

I remember how we both instantly laughed.
It was then In that very moment,
(At the time)
That I thought we were sharing the same feelings.
That we were crying because we could relate to how much these two people loved each other, because we loved each other just as much.

I'll never forget how you pulled me in close hugged me, and kissed me and then said I love you so much.

And most of all, I'll never forget how we both wiped each others tears and said,

"**** this movie."

Lol

Journal Entry #3

It's been a few days since I listened to all those songs that reminded me of you.
But before I begin..
Lemme just ask..
Have you ever listened to a song that just touched you?

Its weird just today I was on my way home driving in the snow.
This song came on that I hadn't heard in years and it brought me to tears.
Not tears of sadness, but tears of happiness.
This song reminded me of who I use to be.
So confident.
No ***** given.
No holding back.
I spoke my mind.

I was such a fun loving person before I met you.
And this song made me realize that I had given so much of myself to you, and along the devastating way, I lost myself.
I lost so much of myself trying to love you.

The songs called "Don't let me stop you by Kelly Clarkson."
Below is my version revised of her original song.


I used to be a little bit shy.
Little bit broken inside.
I kept my deepest feelings inside.
Speaking up to anyone about my feelings has always been hard.
But this just can't wait.

I finally found myself again.
I'm feeling pretty brave.
So no more holding back with you.

This is gonna sound kind of silly,
But I couldn't help but notice
Feeling like there's something between us.

But I'm not into games.
Got no patience for that kind of game.
If you don't need to be with me,
And I don't need to hold on,

Then by all means...

Don't let me let me stop you,
From doing what you wanna do.
If You don't wanna stick with me just it's cool.
It'll take me no time getting over you.

I'm not glass baby.
If you wanna leave baby you can leave.
Just don't pretend that you're into me.

There's a lot of things I can take.
Got a high threshold for pain.
But let's get one thing straight,
I'm not down to share you with anyone.
If that's not what you're looking for..
****, nice knowing you, but honey there's the door.

I'm not worried, cause I know that I can find someone who'll give me what I want.

I don't wanna hear goodbye,
But either way I'll be just fine.

Journal entry #2

Curled up on the bathroom floor.
I stare down at my phone, so long, that my eyes glaze over.
Surprised I remembered all the songs that use to set my soul on fire.
Music was always my second love, and then there was you.

Already tipsy, I take a long swig from my bottle of jack and say to myself, (Rip it, its just like a bandaid just do it.)

I hit shuffle and the first song that plays is...
(H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line)

The pain that washed over me was excruciating. It made every hair on my body stand and shiver. Tears fell from my eyes as my mind brought me right back to that time, and that place, in that car, as I brought you to our home and you sang that song to me.

I remember thanking God in this moment.
I finally had you back. I remember thinking how lucky I was... Blessed.
Thinking we conquered it all.
Feeling like I had died and gone to heaven and there you were.

I felt short of breath, I felt like I was suffocating. Because I  never knew such a happiness existed...never wanting someone so much in your life..

Try to see this through my eyes.
Life hasent always been good to me.
I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
But then, in walks a man I thought was sent from heaven.
Maybe, it was finally my time to be happy?

God is that you?

Too blind to see it at the time, but God was saying No the entire time.

I was blown away, what could I say?
It all seemed to make sense at the time.
Stupid me, thinking he loved me, as much as I loved him.

Journal entry #1


After driving home from my first therapy session.
I parked my car and sat there for a while.

Digesting, I guess you could say.
I let the words of my therapist circle my brain like a category 5 hurricane.

Her master plan of getting me over you, our divorce, and all the pain that still firmly consumed me was something I really didn't want to do.

(Make a musical playlist of all the songs that reminded/remind you of your ex husband. Find songs that he's dedicated to you, sang to you or just songs that hold sentimental value to you. Furthermore, she said I needed to cry, grieve, let it all out some way.)

But I didn't want to.
Why dig up **** you've buried?
Why resurrect what's been dead?
Breathe life back into feelings I wish never existed?

I sat in my car for hours.
Hating the idea of resurrecting my love, my feelings for you.
And I'll admit I got close.
Almost convinced myself to blow it all off...
Say to hell with this ****.

But then I heard my mothers words ring out in my mind.
"I see your pain and it brings me nothing but pain. I don't see my daughter when I look at you. All I can see is the reflection of your pain in your eyes."

It cut deep, not ganna lie.
And if you knew me personally, you'd know how much I love and adore my mother.

I exhaled in defeat...
Rolled my eyes...
Got out of the car dreading what I knew I had to do.