I dream in
lace & pearls
blue roses & ballet slippers
Poe & Plath
Because to properly drink a martini
you need a steady hand
and a broken mind
Don’t you know
There are certain shades of limelight
that can wreck a girl’s complexion
Certain scents
that can’t mask the desperation to held
Certain make up
that only highlights the you
you’ve tried to leave behind
Keep playing dress up little girl
everybody knows the truth
They know you’re hurt
They know you’re hungry
Eat your heart out if you’re starving for love
Keep sailing the open ocean
Keep telling yourself that you’ve changed
You’re terrified to look up to the sky
because you know the constellations
will keep calling you home
to the real you

- Dress Up

It’s easy to lure sailors in

with a siren’s song

it’s what I’ve always done

it’s easy to reel them in

with the Machiavellian melody of 
red lipstick and Robert Frost quotes 
the cadence of raspy vibrato 
the aroma of blue roses
Every nail painted 
Every word calculated 
It’s always so easy

and we dance for a while 
they twirl me around 
enchanted by my pirouettes 
And we drink the wine 
and we watch old films
and it’s beautiful

for a time

But alas 
nothing gold can stay

and I take the road less traveled

I become too much

too hard to reach

too deep

too far under the sea

buried in Davy Jone’s Locker

And they sail away

to the other side of the world

and drop the memory of me off the edge of it 
I’m alone

again 
because the sun always sets on the Jersey Shore
 
Some women fear that they’re not enough
I fear that I’m too much

But not for him

He wandered over all by himself 
I didn’t have to sing a single note

there were no more cadences to whisper 
he made me want to speak the truth

there was no upper hand

so I grabbed onto his

I started living in my body

instead of in my shadow

He stormed by beach

and took away my suffering

He never left

no matter how hard it got
He stayed when I lost my voice

and he helped me get it back

When I got dragged down too deep

he dove to the bottom of the sea to find me 
He helped guide me to the surface

He helped me remember how to swim. 
 
- Mythology of Loneliness

You watch me dance 
sexualizing my every move 
fantasizing 
thinking that 
I’m shaking for you 
to get you to notice me 
You think I must want you 
the way you want me 
But I’m just trying 
to shake this devil 
off of my back 
The one that comes around 
when I have to be around others 
around people like you 
The devil that has me 
searching for the right thing to say 
at the bottom of the glass 
My holy water replacement 
The devil that shoots panic through my veins 
and sets my blood on fire 
My body can’t stop moving 
because it rejects interaction 
It is being tormented 
by my tormenting thoughts 
The air perishes 
and I’m being dragged to hell again 
Why is something 
that seems so seamless
for everyone else 
so strenuous for me? 

- Social Anxiety

Today was a bad day 
I’m seeing stars 
lingering in the hangover of sobbing 
drowning in my own tears 
I got lost inside my head again 
dragged to the bottom of the sea again 
pulled by the anchors attached to my legs 
I feel a pain that’s all too familiar 
like a next door neighbor
that won’t leave me alone 
I’m still paying for the mistakes 
made by my former self 
Shaken that I haven’t changed 
as much as I thought 
I see the devil lurking in the shadows 
waiting to escort me back to hell 
I’m trying to swim up 
I’m trying to kick and paddle
but I feel paralyzed 
crippled by self enmity 

But I don’t need to drown again 
I won’t 
I know how to survive this 
Even if I can’t swim right now 
I know what can lift me up 
I have floating devices 
I can paint waves 
collect shells 
listen to the hymns of the seagulls 
or watch the sunset on the horizon 
I can’t swim 
But it’s okay 
to wear a life jacket for now 
I deserve to float 
I deserve peace 
and so do you 

- Self-care

I sing a single cadence
and you come
I lure you towards the shore
and bury you in the sand
because I can’t be alone
I drown myself in the bottle
because I don’t want to feel
Sometimes I hope you will sail away
for your own good
But then I sing again
and there you are
loving me in all of my misery
glimmering and broken
And you make me feel
like I can
float.

- A Siren’s Song

I take off the spectacles
and I realize 
the Emerald City 
isn’t green at all 
I see you 
in the light of day 
and I realize 
you’re not the person 
I thought I needed 
to make me feel good about myself 
I was asleep in the poppies 
and the validation wasn’t worth it
I loved you last night 
but I was dreaming 
too far over the rainbow
Now 
I just want to go 
home 
Someone please take me 
home 

- Manifest Destiny

How can I then return in happy plight? 
I can’t sleep
when I do 
my subconscious torments me so 
or worse 
it plays cruel tricks on me 
by dreaming of a kinder world 
one with 
you
in it 
I want to sink into a slumber 
because I want the night to end 
But I want to stay awake 
because I don’t want tomorrow to come 
I can’t do this again 
I just want the noises in my head to stop 
but the silence is violent 
I look at my reflection 
and all I see is 
you 
The sun 
and 
the moon 
once at opposition 
shake hands to torture me 
and I remain a knave to them both 
I wander around the other side in my nightmares 
and follow the echoes of your voice 
crippled by the memory of your touch 
I would toil the galaxy to find you 
but the earth pulls me down 
back to this bed that feels like a prison 
So I lay here 
stabbing swords into the night 
cowering from the morning 
The sun 
draws my sorrows longer 
The moon 
makes grief’s strength stronger 
I can’t live without 
you 

- XXVIII