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Lost Love


He remembers that day
many sad years ago
it was sunny out,
but soon a storm raged.

He returned home early
from work,
eager
to rest and nurse a cold.
Eager
to see his gorgeous wife
fix him a delicious soup
and give loving care,
a remedy not.
He caught a surprise.

Was it then a hallucination?
To see her ex's car
in front of their house,
fanning the flames in his heart?
Or to imagine the house shaking,
or to hear love noises howling
from the rafters of contempt,
as her fireplace warmed tempest.
He sure hoped then... it had been a misfire
it wasn't.

He slowly opened the front door,
walking decrepit and sad,
like he was in hospice care.
He could see the final script
playing out,
more so the tragic ending
the trail of clothes,
her ex-boyfriend's scent,
calamity,
and approaching closer
the devil speaking louder.

He opened the bedroom door
to their parts caught in honey jars
and scarlet red on his tainted wife
over bed sheets of shame.
Their eyes catch,
both flush, and tearful,
as breathing stopped,
his melancholy eyes asking why?
Why?
What about the future  lily pods,
our family, house, kids
... and you sell out.
What about being fresh
out of college with our dreams,
passion and honor...us.
What about the bonds,
pinky swears, pricking of blood
marital vows.
Her eyes had no answers.
She cried, loudest
as her ex-boyfriend bolted
not before passing the mill.

He closed her door for good
that mournful day,
dismissing darkness,
opening his wrath for her
in his mind, yet
what words or light can be exchanged?

Uprooted and lost, he walked
scarred over and over
by her promise and lost love.

That was thirty years ago
and he still walks with her
ghosts, and it still pains.

LR-5/4/17
 May 2017 Chris Vans
Aquila
*****
 May 2017 Chris Vans
Aquila
I will never understand
how the name of a girl
that once sounded like melted gold and blue skies
sounds now to me like the beating of broken wings
or how a girl who I once loved with all my heart
changed my life within hours
or how her eyes
never blinked
as what she needed to say hung in the air
like a thick fog
that neither of us could see through without the other
but by the time we realized that,
the fog had cleared.
and she figured we were better off alone after all.
So I will never understand,
why the name (Blank)
hurts to say
like sandpaper
against my skin.
I will never understand how someone who was once your best friend
can be taken from you
by someone else,
with meaner intentions.
How we used to walk side by side,
but now we walk three by three,
or four by four,
and it is never the same.
but she thinks it is,
and so I will leave them alone and let them be the same.
So I will never understand,
why the name (Blank)
hurts my heart the way it does
like glass
piercing through paper.
I will never understand how someone who never loved me
could feign attraction for three months.
and when it came time for her to end things,
I think we were both relieved
because in the end,
she wasn't the only one pretending to be in love.
but it still hurt
like any heartbreak,
though this was more
platonic,
it was just as real.
So I will never understand,
why the name (Blank)
is laced in nostalgia
and a feeling
of unforgettable immortality
coupled with hopelessness.
and I will never understand
how three sets
of five letters
could be the deciding factor
in my breaking
or my mending.
Names are blocked out for personal reasons, but rest assured that they are actual people.
‪Money in my pocket I got dues to pay‬
‪My shine made sure they've never taken my light away‬
‪But my shine ain't enough to guide the way‬
‪Let me find a way‬
‪Idle is the mind when you're going through the motions‬
‪Never being myself, always fighting off emotions ‬
‪You see this blank face?‬
‪That's me at any time, in any place‬
‪My friends don't know me like they think they do‬
‪Truth be told I thought I knew too‬
‪A wild card plays wild cards‬
‪Don't trust me, don't rush me‬
‪You're so lucky these thoughts escape you ‬
‪Started in a happy place but look where I've come back to‬
 May 2017 Chris Vans
skyler
devil
 May 2017 Chris Vans
skyler
the devil looks just like me
she resides inside my head
permeating all my thoughts
assembling words better left unsaid
she stares back at the mirror
and shrieks in pure disgust
whispers every single flaw she sees
reassuring that it's her i trust
her rambling is so piercing
that it shatters the glass with ease
and shards lay so unnerving
pulling me to my knees
so she hands me broken fragments
to glide across delicate skin
and with one last sickly smile
i finally rid the devil within

s.s
 May 2017 Chris Vans
fm
Like Her
 May 2017 Chris Vans
fm
her hair falls down her back and
glistens as she flaunts passed me
confidently

she has new jeans and heels that click down the hallways announcing her
arrival

she smiles at everyone and it is so
clean and beautiful that you can't help
but stare

her skin is smooth like the girls'
in the commercials that flash on your
screen

if i am compared to a daisy in a field
of roses then she is the earth
in which they sprout from

she is the definition of lady like
while I am the elbows on the table
at dinner time

she is the girl next door
the one you marry and have at least
2.5 children with

i am the one who has whispered
curses and disappointing stares to
define her

she is not sugar and honey but instead
is the combination of lavender and pine

relaxing and natural

i am hours in the mirror
staring at my reflection wondering
when will it start answering back

she doesn't own a mirror for fear
that she will behave selfishly
because looking at yourself is vain

i think looking at myself
is punishment that i was so wrongly
convicted with

but my paroles aren't short lived
it's a constant voice in my head
saying i'll never be like her

she is everything i am not
because i am not like her
but i want to be
i want to be someone i'm not, but what else is new
I'm more than ready for Winter to end,
Ive never looked beautiful in white,
I feel change around the bend,
but right now I'm fighting the snows bite.

I shy away from bitter cold,
and tend to shiver in the breeze,
So as the days and nights are told,
I beg my older ways to freeze.

August called; she wants me back,
and im not hesitant to go,
The ice reminds me of what I lack,
and Spring is coming way too slow.

Yet something solid keeps me here,
Binds my limbs to the frozen ground.,
So that even if it takes all year,
I have no choice but to stay around.

Without this place I'm incomplete,
I need the frost to keep me sane,
So until Summers warmth i meet,
I wait for heat to melt my pain.
 May 2017 Chris Vans
Hasan Maruf
Every wave which
came to the shore
Was just another
reminder that
you never came
Home
 May 2017 Chris Vans
Mark Lecuona
Don't waste time pretending
How are you going to be you
Don't try to prove anything
How will you free your mind
Don't be so sure of yourself
How will you learn something new
Don't be afraid to need someone
How will you fall in love with me
Don't be so hard for me to touch
How will I lay my head on your heart
 May 2017 Chris Vans
Ali
the garden
 May 2017 Chris Vans
Ali
each blossoming flower perky and unprepared for what's about to come,
each petal plucked one by one,
a deep bruise within the heart of the root,
a vulnerable stem fragile to each blow of the March wind,
left softly swaying in the garden where she no longer belongs.
All things were thrown
dishes were broken
paintings were destroyed
chairs were upside down
photographs were torn
hands were injured
walls had fists design
pillows were all feathers
this place was a warzone
power of passion of anger
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