I am not an alcoholic,
I just like beer.

I am not an alcoholic,
I'm just a little hungover.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just want to drink with my friends.

I am not an alcoholic,
I am just bored.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just can't sleep.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just like to feel warm.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just like to feel dizzy.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just want to feel brave.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just want to feel something.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just want an excuse to tell someone I love them.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just feel better when I drink.

I am not an alcoholic,
I only hide it because my parents would yell.

I am not an alcoholic,
I am only sixteen.

I am not an alcoholic,
I just need something to cling to.

It's been long
A mighty cold spring
Out in the wind
We lost touch, something
Now I can't remember what went wrong
I only remember what days have befallen

It was so silver
It was so silver and gold
But I felt small
Beside an ocean of wanting
And currents they grow, emptiness flows
From a wild sea they rose, currents they grow

But if you'd just call
If you'd just call me sometime
I'd make us warm coffee and tea
Just for us, the way you once loved it from me
Why won't you call
I'd be your love once more

I'd pick up the pieces we left by the sea
I'd make you dark coffee and rose tea for me
And you would let me give you my love
I'd fix us some coffee and brew up some tea
I'd give you my love
I'd give it so free

I can't seem to center
my thoughts anymore
I'm lost between whether
I'm alive or dead,
I'm not sure which one
I would prefer.

You were just a line
A line so faint I couldn't believe it
But then you became two lines
Three lines
Four lines.

Scattered out on my bathroom floor.
Its amazing, what lines can do
To a twenty year old girl.

I couldn't even say the words out loud.
But its been 9 months since those lines
And you're not here.
And all the thoughts I wouldn't let myself think
They're all too real.

Perhaps your name was Audrey
And you had your daddy's curls
Maybe you would've had your mommy's nose

Perhaps your name was Elijah
And you had your mommy's eyes
Maybe you would've had your daddy's smile

Or maybe I would've never known you
And you'd never know my name
I'd dream about you every night
As you lay far away.

I wasn't ready
For those little lines
Nor was your daddy
He cried.

I remember how I shook
The night you went away
The crying and the aching
I wanted you to stay.

I'll never hold your hand
You'll never ask to play
And I will never know
What it is like to hear your voice

But I am healing
I think less of your loss
Than I do my inability to care
You deserved better than I had.

~

Silhouettes, shapes,
  clouds backlit
   by a distant sun
  rising slowly
      in the east,
   Cantaloupe swatches,
       painting introductions
    of a desirable dawn,
  drape the sky,
    illuminating my heart
       to another
          wondrous day
                *with you