Ayeshah

Ayeshah Nov 2015

I never known  what  you speak of

I've not obtained

what it is to sustain

a meaningful relationship

Seems I'm destiny to be alone forever

I've not grasped what it is to allow someone

to just be who they are

all I can see is my own imperfection in them

wanting them to be better

and
throw a fit when their so inadequate

more so

I'm the one whose lacking

and
fear changing

just in case they wont approve

I don't ask for validation

since
I validate myself

Isn't it still important

if we're reflections

of

  our love and relationship?

I've not yet understood this concept

since

I'm so used to doing it always on my own

with or with you.

More so with out then with...

Few have tried to show me

teach me

yet I've ran fearful of what COULD be

TOO scared afraid

I just cant be  hurt again

but no one understand that

Closed off from love so long

I've forgotten what its like

and

when I've had it

I've not known if it were real or fake.

Too many times

I've been lead to believe in the illusion

of love when it wasn't even true

How do you condemn me

when

you've participated

in my demise to began with?

He told me we'd never part.

He too told me I was his heart.

This one said I was his only.

Another said he'd never leave me lonely!!!

Yet they've all left

weather I made it so or on their own

Too many times

I listen to a lie

yet I'm to blame

Somehow unbeknownst to me

its all ALWAYS my fault.

Til death do us part

was me dying each time he cheated

or how about them beating

I should stop blaming

and

take responsibilities for myself

for my actions

it's always someone else's fault

that

I'm how I am

but truth is it really has been

yet at my age shouldn't

I have to face facts....

I need to love me

give to me all they're unfulfilled promise's

left me longing craving needing and wanting.

Fix my own broken soul

I want to

I don't even know how

I lack the ability to move on

past the hurt

which consumes me

and yet

I want a

Meaningful Relationship*

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

I'm 38 and still can't seem to get this love thing right, best I stay alone! maybe but I wish pray and hope there is someone for me, seems for my exes they've found true love so *** is wrong with me>???!!! guess I'll figure it out one day before I'm gone. or iI'l go without ever knowing !

#love #lies #fear #desire #pain #abuse #hope #hurt #resentment #wishing

Ayeshah Nov 2015

MUSINGS OF...

Clocks ticking

but I didn't even notice

As I lay on my back

head hanging off the bed

I hear it

tic toc tic toc tic

I'm floating

watching myself

sounds weird huh

I can see everything my flesh is doing

like a movie,

yet I'm above my very being...

Numb

but I can hear it

the clocks ticking

I'm praying he'll stop

tic toc tic toc tic

Musing of someone with dissasocitive identity  disorder!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

Mental illness is real! ****** abuse isn't cool and it ***** the life outta my me.
Why I'm no good for anyone.
Past yet emotiomal / mental scares never healed!

#depression #abuse #anxiety #mental #ptsd #health #did #bpd #tramasadness

Ayeshah Nov 2015

Lustful-Love!

I craved this monent,

longed for it,

dreamed a dream made reality. ...

Hold me again & let us retrace our sensational embrace.

You're intoxicating scent lingers on the sheets.

Your weight shadows where you've lain atop of me.

Impressions of your hand print echo in my mind,

I remember you...

I can still feel you....

I'm still breathing heavy,

trembling  too from our consumation...

I'm drifting off

but I can't help smiling  as you wrap your strong protective arms around me.

So this is what peace & safety feels like

wrapped up in our

Lustful love!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

I'm enjoying the small stuff!

Ayeshah Oct 2015

NIGHTMARE!

I woke in a panic,
a cold sweat
after all this time
I realized what was wrong
and*
I've no way to make a right what's happening...

I've  settled
out of fear of being alone,
settled
after being rejected & blatantly disrespected.

I long for the days I once had,
the life I once made,
I long for the unknown
yet I'm so afraid,

Afraid to move on
more then
what I've allowed myself to do...

I don't understand it myself
and feel so confused.

Laying awake until the next day
since
I'm always dreaming of
what we could be and have been.

I don't understand
how
I can still love you
after the devastation you've left here.

I have this notion of us
being
better than before
and moving past all the hurt...

I've even been told;
"a couple can separate for a very long time - like years and end up together."

I've thought that's what would happen for us,
but I have no trust,
You've showed
you can't be trusted,
and that's why I'm confused...

how do I still have feelings for you?

Which I've thought I lost-- not locked away!

How is it you still can melt me to my core,
and
it's nothing there,
not for you or for me.

We've both moved on,
so how can this be?

GOD HELP ME PLEASE,

I've prayed this prayer over and over,
begging to let you go...

To forget about what once was and move on.

I've laid with another man,
took comfort in his embrace,
not even a thought of you while there,
and
I'm sure you've done almost the same,
You've hand plenty women or so I'd rather assume

Since evidently I never was enough for you

*I bet she's given
herself to you and
you've found love,
that I believe is what makes
the difference between me & you!

I have nothing left in me to give you.

Contradictions
are
the fact that I have this
UN-abundant amount of love to give of me...
but feel I'd be crushed again
if I let in not just you- anyone.

I've pushed men away
because
I'm too scared,
so afraid...
that their going to be another you
or have similarities of you.

I can't bare the thought of being with you nor being with out you,

I refuse to allow another in to hurt me and devastate my life all over again!

I wanna wake up, I want to forget, mourn this bitterness, I need to let go of all the shoulda woulda & coulda...

what mighta been or the possibilities and all them filtered memories.

We've grown and changed and all I wanna do now is

WAKE UP FROM THIS ****** UP DREAM....
SLEEP WALKING THROUGH MY LIFE
LIKE A ROBOT DOING THINGS MECHANICALLY.

I hate what I've reduced myself to,
and for every little feeling I have towards you...

I'm always in a panic, a cold sweat...

You might come back may even come home,
oh my GOD
how I can't bare it, or you
because

You're my walking,breathing

NIGHTMARE!

*Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

I have moved on yet time and time again IM haunted by YOU!

Ayeshah Sep 2015

NO ONE CAN HEAR!

He watched as I  'slept",

seems as if my chest is rising and falling in tune

as he breathed deeply through parted lips.

He shed his clothes and,

wearing only his boxers,

he stretched out alongside me.

He trailed a finger down my cheek,

my neck,

caressing every inch of my body

He bent his head to nuzzle my smooth  COLD skin,

flicking my ear with his tongue.

A soft moan escaped his lips.

A single tear slides down my face.....

No One Can Hear Me!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

He's Killed me!

#pain #death #morbid #molestation #stalker #creepy #******

Ayeshah Sep 2015

DADDY

I fell down today and scrapped my knees, Daddy can you kiss it please...
A cartoon bandaid, a few cookies & lemonade.

I was push today, Daddy she's way bigger than me, she said cuz I'm black my hairs a weave,

I said I'm mixed and my hair isn't fake, she spit gum in it and pushed me into the bathroom stall.

Can you help me, teach me how to fight Daddy I don't want her to beat me up.

I have no where to go,

Daddy can I stay with you please, I've left him for good!

He won't be hitting me anymore,

Daddy I need to sleep I'm pregnant & haven't had much to eat.

I got a job today and I need bus fare, can I have 4 dollars please 2 for the bus and 2 to eat...

Daddy I'll be working after school, at a hotel and I can even get a free room,

I'll work in the front office and sometimes help the maids but it's ok since I'll now have my own place

I got married today,

Daddy  I know he doesn't make much and didn't ask for my hand but Daddy I really love this man...

He took me to the court house and we said I do, you were too sick to come and I didn't want to bother you.

I've moved away,

Daddy and I won't be coming back,

I left my husband since he has a habit of messing around, putting me down and hitting.

Daddy can you call me I need advise I'm married again 3rd time and  pregnant for the 4th time,

I wish I could visit you maybe next year, right now I have college, work, and my 4th on the way.

I called you today but I've got no answer, we're here now and I have a present for you Daddy,

it's been a while and lil sis says you're not doing too well...

I tried to call you today,

I've forgot what your voice sounds like Daddy.

Forgot I can't call you anymore,

Daddy you're gone now.

Daddy  the realization hits me just as hard as that girl did when she pushed me into the bathroom stall,

my eyes brim over with tears just like it did when I pushed out 1 of my kids...

I can't talk to you and get your advise,

can't get lemonade & cookies when I fall this time,

I miss all those years we couldn't be together cause I was in foster care, group homes and again once I moved to other states..

Daddy I've married again have 5 girls a few lost pregnancies and some really bad marriages,  3 times in fact.

Daddy I've had some messed up relationships along the way as well had a stalker from  New Jersey  even and what a looser he is,

I've moved  to a whoke new state 3 tines now and laat year I was super sick and yet worse of it was not being able to share any of it Daddy ...

Not being able to call and hear your booming voice tell me how to proceed or you coming to make sure them exes and maybe even that stalker from Jersey left me be Daddy!

It's been 14 years Daddy and every day I miss you so much,  but right now Id take the advise and tough love.

No longer married but I'm sure it'll come...

hehehe maybe 4th times my charm,

right now I'm fine as things are I have 2 cars just got a new crappie job a new house and all your grand kids are doing good so far.

Daddy I'm a grandma isn't thst crazy and my 1st born your grand daughter's changed her life round, she's coming home to get her son.

Even though I don't see you I know your with me and one day I'll stand on ya feet and allow you to lead me in a finally dance,

I know someday we'll be together again , with Mommy and my grant parents

Daddy!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

R.I.P.

Ayeshah Sep 2015

♡☆THERE'S NO HOPE FOR ME☆♡

I was obsequious towards you.... opening up to you, I was an impressively sedulous suitor,

Didn't I constantly show my love; like a doting concubine,

yet never was I supposed to.

Did things I'd never wish to again do, You were always lethargic returning any affections.

You're  constantly an exorbitantly  cruel lover, on too many occasions you've left me; feeling, clinging, wishing & praying that your bitter tortures -  would end.

Morbidly I'd crave you like a killer craves the death of his victim's.

Oh there's no end, no relapse or realse, my tormentor, my seemingly drug of choice--is you!

I  sincerely felt a cordial love & dislike for how you've had me susceptible to this elegiac experience.

Unmerciful you cast away my heart and dealt my soul a mighty blow.

NEVER again  would I be your willing victim,  you're  antipathies & archaic behavior  leaves me wishing for a way out, since you've made me seem more like the enemy.

This love's a beautiful beast & so oblivious to my demise...

I'm still obligated....

I've vowed to stay, fight comes what may...

  yet & still You make it clear I'm disqualified before a race could ever be won.....

Why?

My questions unanswered
as if I've never vocalized a retort!

IVE COME TO REALIZE THERE'S NO HOPE FOR ME

☆♡

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

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